Wonderland

For so many years I found myself emotionally stagnate, lost and at times even carrying a negative belief system about what life ultimately had in store for me. When I found myself in between the light and dark moments, I would go back and forth from letting go to holding on to what I wanted to see. Due to my own actions, I couldn’t provide my mind, body or soul the appropriate fuel needed to actually survive in a healthy manner.

I remember at one time feeling as though I would never get what I really wanted, no matter how hard I tried. I believed that I had done all the work and paid my dues in spades, yet I had nothing to show for it. Not only was I dead wrong, I was crazy. Yeah I said it, crazy. I thought I knew myself completely. As it turns out, I didn’t know myself at all. That’s not an epiphany anyone wants to get, especially when they’re set in their ways. “Who me, change? Believe something else and do something different? Yeah, right!”

To get different results you have to try another way. We all know this, but when we’re knee deep in drama and feeling lonely or scared, there’s a tendency to float toward people who don’t have our best interests at heart, carry a negative belief system or keep ourselves frozen in time. We can also miss out on grand opportunities for change because we’re so focused on what we don’t have. Until we have learned how to master the art of letting go, we will continue to experience the same thing over and over again. Believe me, I should know and it‘s not very much fun.

Letting go is a 1-2-3 process that takes an enormous amount of faith and time. When I say let go, I mean give everything up to the Universe and believe you are getting what you need to achieve the life you really want, even if it doesn‘t feel so hot. It’s easier said than done, yes, but I can promise you the results are nothing short of amazing.

All you’re doing here is finding an understanding of the past and current situation, then training your brain to stop wanting to change what is. The only person you can control is you. This takes a lot of patience, but if you want something bad enough you’ll stop at nothing to reach that goal, right? The goal being peace of mind and self-empowerment (just thought I’d be clear on that one). The best way to stay on track with this step is to constantly tell yourself that you’re supposed to live through this experience and it’s just a stepping stone.

Depending on how strongly you were affected by the person and/or situation in question, steps 1 and 2 can take months or even years to complete. The timeframe is strictly up to you and nobody else. Moving on truly begins when you’ve hit rock bottom and are sick of yourself. You will be tired of feeling lousy and are at the point where the only place you can go is up. This step is the action part of the process, but comes in 2 phases.

You will probably swing from positive to negative thoughts regarding your past in the situation in question and your future. This is all very natural, however, should not be dwelled upon for very long. Feel the pain or angst, then let it go. Trust that all the work you’ve done is not only good enough, but profound enough to implement change in divine time (when it’s your turn).

This is the time for action. Take part in activities that you used to love or new ones that you know will make you happy. Get rid of all the dead weight, which includes leaving people and/or situations that bring you down and do not fit your personality any longer. It’s important to NEVER stay where your heart and soul is screaming in agony. When invited to do something that is not a danger to your spirit, but is something you wouldn’t normally do, try it. This is how the miracle of a life change occurs. All you have to do is open your mind and make a new choice. It could be the one that changes your life forever…

The elements that can delay the letting go process and real change are as follows:

As long as we’re alive, we will never rid ourselves of the trials that life sends our way, but we can work through them and come out shining in the end. Remember, the only thing in life you can control are your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Also understand that this process should never be a competition between you and another. When you adopt that bad intent, it will not only hinder your progress, but will make you look bad to the people you’re trying to impress.

So how do you know when the process is working? Well, nobody’s life is the same, but you will definitely start attracting situations and people that you feel are on the same page as yourself. You will be happier with the outcomes of those situations and will find stability within them. For the most part, your fear will have subsided and your confidence will sky rocket. Your faith will be restored. Most importantly, you will be attracting the life you want without feeling the need to manipulate. The result? You will finally start to fall in love with your life again.

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I were driving to his apartment, chatting about random stuff when a silly memory came back to me. I told him about the time I had met up with a couple of women for Thanksgiving out of town. We spent the day traveling from some small town in Indiana to Lexington, Kentucky to meet up with a bunch of people from all over. I didn’t feel like driving so I put my fate into the hands of a lady I had just met. Keep in mind, I was only about 20 years old at the time so I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Well, this one had a lead foot, big time! She drove my Neon (yeah, I know) an hour and a half at 110 miles per hour and I thought that was going to be the end of me. That drive was supposed to be a solid 3 hours. I thought to myself, “Damn, those were some good, fun times. I can’t believe I forgot about that!” What’s funny is that I can’t remember the ladies’ names, but the event is etched in my mind. I don’t know what triggered that visual. Maybe it’s the fact that Dave has a tendency to make quick stops and fast turns, who knows, but that memory brought upon an epiphany and a smile to my face.

When we’re in a place where nothing seems to be going right, we’re bored, lonely or just downright pissed, we can forget about those events that don’t feel special at the time. We don’t put any stock into them because we’re so focused on the negative for moments, months or even years and I’m guilty of allowing that to happen to myself many times and for a variety of reasons.

Again I’m here reflecting on where I’m at in my life now versus March last year. I do this fairly often, but this one feels much more profound since I’m in the midst of yet another major life change. For the record, that’s 2 in almost 2 years time for me. I’ve been a busy girl, that’s for sure. Well, I believe moving in with my boyfriend and his two daughters plus being pregnant with my first child is major because it’s definitely not the life I envisioned for myself prior to moving to Ohio. To be honest, I can’t remember the exact vision I had. I do, however, remember thinking that Ohio was just a pit stop on the path I thought I’d be traveling on. Not only was I wrong, but it turns out that I actually belong here. Who knew? Certainly not me.

First off, I really thought the people I was friends with when I moved here were going to be in my life for the long haul. WRONG! I thought it would take me at least a couple of years to find a relationship I wouldn’t sabotage (hey, I was being realistic). WRONG! I believed I wouldn’t ever be a part of or fit into a “white picket fence“ family. WRONG! Oh and let’s not forget the fact that I was NEVER going to get pregnant. WRONG AGAIN! I think you get the point. I was severely mistaken on all acounts and I feel stupid, in a good way.

I have to say that my relationship with Dave single handedly exposed my stupid shit and ripped off the final layer to the repulsive mask I’ve been sporting for quite some time now. That’s what happens when you are served the romantic partner that’s in your highest good. Believe me when I say that events in “your highest good” aren’t always fun and easy. It’s quite the opposite, actually. I have a nasty pattern of dumping guys around the 7 or 8 month mark. I had my little meltdown due to circumstances outside my control (and not his fault), but my body wouldn’t jump to the dump this time. I did the opposite of my natural pattern and ended up here. That’s how I knew where I belonged and with whom.

Someone once told me this, “If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans.” I did that and what I got in return was his middle finger in my face coupled with a super sized dose of happiness. Nice eh? If that’s what the middle finger represents then flip me off all you want God! I’m saying all of this in hindsight, of course. The truth is that I inadvertently manifested all I’m getting today by opening my big mouth and making hypothetical statements to different people while I was miserable, whether I was alone or in a relationship.

The biggest lesson I learned about manifesting this past year is that MAYBE and IF statements still count. It’s like I was telling the Universe that I was open to those possibilities, even though my mind was saying something else. Apparently I was lying to myself because I wouldn’t have used those terms if I didn’t really want those things to happen, deep down inside.

The same goes for fear based remarks. I was focused on NOT getting pregnant so much that I poured an excessive amount of energy into it. It was so bad that I think I drove Dave a bit crazy with checking those condoms and making it clear that I didn‘t want a baby. My paranoia (and perhaps some other important factors) told the Universe that getting pregnant was what needed to happen. I’ve always said that your fear is never the reality and I was right. Most of the negative things I thought I knew or was told about pregnancy did NOT happen to me. It’s been a very blissful time thus far and I know I’m very very lucky. Not everyone is blessed with what I’m experiencing, physically and emotionally. I’m super psyched to be a mommy, go figure.

It’s been a long way to happy for me and I’m extremely grateful for so much that the list could take years to recite. I have to give credit to those who have lead me to the life I have today starting with my crazy, dysfunctional family. I‘ll try to keep it short…

Thanks father for putting your bitch wife before your children. Your actions have showed me what to look for and what to avoid in a romantic partner. Your wife has taught me what not to be as a stepmother. If I didn’t experience her rein of terror, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do (and not to do) with my soon to be stepdaughters. I’m grateful to my mother in general. There are so many things to add, but I think I’ll just say it to her face.

To the new friends I made in Ohio and my people in Michigan, thanks for being here and being a part of my life. I thank you for every memory we’ve shared and look forward to creating many more. A special thanks to my clients. I appreciate you guys letting me into your lives and allowing me to do what I love most. To my new family, thanks for accepting me as I am. You guys have really changed the way I view my life and future. Finally and most importantly, to the folks who have left me and those I have walked away from, thanks for staying away.

Every single experience we have leads us to a choice. The choice to stay or to move forward. Moving away from a dream that has proven to be just that can hurt, but it’s necessary in order to enter the room of endless possibilities. I don’t know where I’d be if not for my desire and determination to be my true self. If I just stood there doing nothing, then I wouldn’t have been able to take part in the many joys life has to offer.

Another great epiphany I had recently is that my life wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, especially my childhood. I‘ve seen other people get dealt a hand I never could‘ve handled and I should‘ve been more thankful for what I had and experienced. Playing the victim does nothing but create more unnecessary bullshit and half the time it’s nothing but imaginary drama that leads to excessive sulking. Yeah, I did that.

This is me, Cristin exposed…

Don’t you just love it when you believe you’ve done all this spiritual/emotional work on yourself and it seems like FOREVER before things start happening?  Playing the waiting game with the Universe really stinks and sometimes produces emotional side effects such as consistent negative thinking and regret which could lead to us to stagnation, versus the destination we really want. Since I’ve been seeing a lot of this lately, I figured it was time to explore some of the causes and bring solutions to light.

Denial is the number one reason people react poorly to “the waiting game” or as I prefer to put it, divine time. Its main purpose is to trick your mind into believing you are living in one particular space, when in fact you’re nowhere near it. Most of the time it’s us denying the reality of our situation. A lot of us believe we’ve gotten through the letting go process and spiritual detoxification system when we say, ‘I’ve done it. I want my life to start already!  What the hell is taking so long?!?”

If the major changes aren't manifesting in our physical lives, it’s because the work is NOT done, it’s not time and/or there’s something we’ve missed. You think you’ve reached the end, only to realize you’re wrong. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know. Don’t freak out when this happens as it’s very common. I haven’t seen one person who has made it to the end of a spiritual growth process without relapsing at least three times, myself included.

What is the culprit in a situation like this? It’s that wretched word TIME. It’s wasting your energy holding on to a person, situation and/or dream that’s failed to come to fruition for an extended period of time. It’s also the dwelling on what you don’t have, instead of creating something new and different. Lastly, it’s the lack of faith, not believing what you want is out there and/or placing all your cookies in one person‘s jar, so to speak.

The reason I threw denial into the mix of this “waiting game” is because it’s the biggest obstacle we must conquer to get to the next step. You must be clear about what’s really going on in your mind and heart. Only then will you be equipped to continue the journey and have the Universe believe you’re actually ready to accept change.

This is one of the most emotionally fatal actions some people implement while on the journey of a life change. They actually get to the point where they’ve let go enough for the Universe to deliver and when it does, they DENY their prize. Here we go again with that denial stuff. I’m telling you, that’s the answer here people! Here is one of the most common scenarios I see in the art of sabotage:

So what do you REALLY want out of this? An ending or a new beginning? That’s what the Universe is wondering while you’re tossing contractions out there left and right. It’s as if you’re living this secret code that cannot be deciphered by anyone, let alone the person you’re focused on. In cases like this the answer to that question is usually, “I don’t really love them, I just want them to want me”.   Another harsh reality check, I’m sure, but it’s very true in most of these situations.

I’ve noticed that some folks in the waiting game don’t usually know what they want or are stuck on one floundering situation. Instead of them using this as a vacation spot, they turn it into a permanent address. This would be the Foe Effect. Boy is this a pain in the ass!  It’s easy to get in, but the amenities are never what you thought they would be.  Again, denial is what usually lures one into this mode. 

There are others who place themselves in stagnation knowingly in effort to achieve true clarity and clean up their act. It’s also known as the Friend Effect. After many hard lessons, I’ve now subscribed to the Friend Effect daily and now my life choices have become much easier. Of course, being a member of this club takes a lot more work and struggle, but let me tell you, it’s sooo worth it in the end.  There's nothing wrong with taking time to heal after a relationship has ended or just some alone time to figure out what you really want out of life. 

There’s a simple explanation for those who get what they thought they wanted only to see it fall apart. This section is for everyone, not just the professional saboteurs. If it’s meant to be forever, the Universe will enforce the outcome by putting up blocks to all your walls and tricks. Spirit will help direct the people involved and guide them to the proper destination. This can often be a rocky road, but the end result is still left in tact.

If it doesn’t turn out to be the “end all be all” path, it was probably slated to be a choice to begin with. If it’s a choice then the Universe won’t bother to try and stop you (or your mate) from sabotaging the situation or going elsewhere, they’ll just deliver another, but one that’s in your highest good when your time comes.

Sometimes we’re allowed to put up a fight in relationships to reach our final destination, whether it‘s here to stay or to say goodbye. This occurs when there’s a life lesson being offered up and must be completed before that person can reach the next step on their life path. We’re also allowed to fight for what we truly believe in, especially if our heart and intuition is leading us in a direction that differs from our partner’s ideals. There’s nothing wrong with standing your ground and finding a compromise that suits both parties. It’s another to fight and place blame solely on the other person involved to fuel a power trip or ego gratification. Nothing good comes of that, trust me!

You forget about what you don’t have and let the Universe guide you. It’s easier said than done, but what’s the worst that can happen? You will probably find that letting go and taking that flying leap into the arms of your higher power will relieve you of stress, pain, anger and loneliness. That special someone really does find you when you‘re not psychotically looking for it. When your mind is set to trying new things to better yourself, you put out this massively open energy that shouts, “I’m ready and I’m for real this time!”

I’ve always received information in the strangest places. Pacing around my office, driving in the car and doing the dishes are a few examples. The other day I was taking a bath trying to clear my energy when a strong, random thought came to me. “After the ending of any relationship, if you are angry with that person’s choices, you’re really just haunted by the choices you’ve made with them…”

Most of us are familiar with the art of projecting our emotional baggage on to someone else, but the way this message was worded struck a cord and took this concept to a whole new level for me. It’s quite telling, actually. Immediately a light bulb went off in my head and I just knew I had to take this knowledge and pay it forward.

This issue is probably one of the most common, unhealthy cycles I see people go through after a relationship has ended. When a break-up occurs, it’s normal to think about what went wrong, what should’ve/could’ve been and believing that you messed up, especially if there are still romantic feelings involved. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about that. I’m speaking of those who weren’t happy in the relationship or in love, break up with (or cheat on) the person and then get angry when they see them making a new life with someone else.

If you see your ex happy with a new partner and you know there‘s not a chance of reconciliation, stay out of it. There’s no need to place yourself in his/her life at this point. Nothing good will come of it, especially if you‘re just angry and/or on a power trip. I said this is very common because in my line of work, I see and hear about it every single day.

Here are some of the things I get from people who are experiencing an ego-driven response to their ex moving on without them:

* I broke them in and now he/she gets to ride them! (I just love that one)

* He/she has everything and I have nothing, this is so not fair!

* I changed my life for him/her and now I’m stuck.

* Nothing ever works out for me.

* How come they weren’t that way with ME?

Keep in mind, the above examples are coming from people who broke up with or cheated on their partner. They were not on the receiving end…

If you were to hear that from a friend, what would you say to them? You’d probably say something to the effect of, “Don’t worry, it’ll get better”, “Don’t just sit there, make things happen!” or even “Who cares? You didn’t want them so find someone else.”

I’m going to be brutally honest here and say this: By crying, whining, pushing or complaining, you will not garner any sympathy from your ex. If they are done with the relationship and have told you so, they’re probably seeking peace. Listening to you in that mode only confirms the reason they moved on.  So why are you feeling jealous, angry or betrayed by your ex’s choice to move on?  Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get to the root of the problem:

* Has my ex expressed his/her desire to get back together?

* Did I ever really love him/her for who they were when we were together?

* Am I happy and fulfilled in my own life?

If you answered “No” to the above questions then you are only reacting to an emotional void, lack of personal validation and the need to feel better about yourself. You’re pissed at your ex because you either want what they have or want the life they gave back then and you’re feeling powerless. Once your relationship has ended, it’s your responsibility to heal and create the life you really want. Your ex cannot be accountable for the actions you take and choices you make. Trying to hold on to someone you didn’t really want to stay with anyway will only block new options from entering your life.

When I say “holding on”, I’m not exactly referring to lingering feelings of love or romance. I’m talking about the fact that you’re projecting your unhappiness, feelings of inadequacy and loneliness on to them because you’re so focused on what you don’t have, not the possibilities of what you could create. The more thought you give to the emptiness inside yourself, the more unattractive you look to prospective dating options. It’s true! You could be the most physically attractive and gifted person on the planet, but if you keep yourself feeling like shit, you’ll project that image on the outside.

The most important thing one must realize while trying to break the nasty cycle of ego driven behavior toward another is that it’s not about you. Your ex-lover, friends or family are not making their life choices because of you or for your benefit, especially if you are no longer acquainted. If you can get that out of your head right now, the chances of you reacting in a manner in which you’d regret decreases immensely. If the choice isn’t about you or directed to you specifically, refrain from getting involved in that person’s business. You’re only setting yourself up for more pain, heartache and possibly embarrassment.

If you’re still communicatively connected to the other person, you need to detach emotionally to gain clarity on whatever situation you’re facing to see things from a non-threatening perspective in order to make a neutral choice that’s in the best interest of everyone involved. That’s a tuffy since most people don’t think before they speak or act, but if you put forth the effort, eventually you will get the concept and it will become second nature.

At this time, the general energy with folks has presented me everything from stress and anger to fear and the worst cases of PMS imaginable. It’s easy to assume we’re freaking out over the holidays or preparing for the new year, however, I’m starting to see a different pattern. A lot of us are in the “nothing’s-really-changing-and-I-can’t-take-it-anymore” FUNK. It’s all around me. It’s affecting some of my family, friends, clients and myself as well.

Mine has nothing to do with the personal life. As a matter of fact, there’s been a lot going on there. My funk is regarding the direction I want my career to take. I have so many ideas, but not enough time to incorporate them all. This happens to me every few years and I’m usually ahead of my time. After going through this “red light, green light” obstacle course many times, I’ve finally gotten the hang of the process:

1. This is another transitional phase.

2. I need to keep those ideas available, but let the Universe direct me.

3. I have to stick with my daily routine until opportunities present themselves.

There are many common emotions and symptoms we experience while transitioning. Here are a few examples:

You know you’re out of the phase when “new things” enter your physical world and/or when you “magically“ feel like you‘re back to normal. Some of the symptoms won’t go away if that was a change you needed to make. For example, if you were a slob and you experience the obsession with cleaning, then perhaps you’re not supposed to be that way any longer. I was one of those people and believe me, cleanliness really is next to Godliness.

Once you’re out of the transition, it’s super important to allow change to occur. Welcome it with open arms, even if it appears to be negative on the surface. For some people, the break-up of a relationship (platonic or romantic) can be considered negative, but if it ends, there’s usually a damn good reason. I choose to look at that as a rebirth, especially if it wasn’t a healthy relationship to begin with. It’s an opportunity to start over with a clean slate and create the life you really want and with who you want.

I know someone who dated a guy for 14 months without a commitment. She gave him an altimatium, but it didn’t go in her favor. They broke up the other day and she’s devastated. She’s a fabulous woman with a lot to offer the right person. Yeah, it’s probably the worst time of year to end a relationship, but I believe she needed to free herself in order to make room for someone in her highest good. 14 months and no commitment, are you kidding me? So not worth it…

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you guys! The down time for singles during the holidays can be unbearable. I know, I’ve been there plenty of times myself. In effort to keep this entry as short as possible, here are some suggestions to jump start your ability to attract dating prospects or make other important changes to your life:

Make a list of the qualities you possess that you believe are unhealthy and do the opposite. Place yourself in positive environments with people who make you laugh and feel good about yourself. This will dramatically alter the energy you’re putting out there and other people’s perceptions of you.

What’s going on with the energy around you? Are you working with people who drag you down and/or are you living in an uninspiring environment? If so, it’s time for a change! Rearrange the furniture, paint your walls, change your residence and/or apply for new jobs. There’s no use staying on a career path or living in a home that isn’t right for you any longer.

Check out your wardrobe. Do you have ancient outfits and stuff that no longer fits you? Get rid of it and replace it with something spectacular. Even if you can’t afford an entire closet, buy one outfit at a time. The same goes for furniture, inexpensive jewelry, make-up and home décor. Don’t overextend yourself financially, though.

It’s important to do grounding and physical excersizes in order to maintain balance. Of course, a healthy diet couldn’t hurt especially to restore your skin’s radiance and aura.

If you’re not used to going out, it’s high time you start. You don’t have to become a barfly (please don’t), but going to nice places where you can mingle with new folks is always a great option. Start making yourself available to your friends and their social circles. You never know who you will meet. I went to a wedding as someone’s “plus-one” and BAM! Hello boyfriend… Say yes instead of no and it could change your life!

The above suggestions aren’t just for the singles. You can apply these to any life change you’re seeking. This is the best way to DE-FUNKIFY yourself and create the path you can be happy with. Please remember that the rewards come with hard work, patience and faith. It’s best to not have an “instant gratification” complex while going through the process. Trust me, I’ve been there and done that. The results come when you’re living in the now and are open to divine time.

xoxo,

Cristin

It’s funny how we can hold on to the negative events from our past and ignore all the blessings surrounding us on a daily basis. I know I’ve been guilty of this many times, especially when I was single and felt completely alone. It’s widely known that the holiday season tends to highlight those moments loneliness, pain, fear and tension. Since today is Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking about all the things I have to be grateful for in my life, past and present.

I was watching the last few episodes of Dr. Phil and couldn’t believe my eyes. This woman has been married to a cheater and pathological liar for the past 4 years. During the course of the shows, many of her husband’s disturbing secrets were exposed. She came on the show to get him to admit to cheating, but found out she’s been living with a potential serial killer and rapist. Just when I thought I had “been there, done that”, I’m stricken with absolute amazement, disgust and heartfelt sorrow for that woman.

For some reason, that show transported me to some of the most painful romantic relationships I’ve ever experienced and I’ve gotta tell ya, I’m REALLY lucky. Even though I’ve been through some abusive situations, nobody I’ve dated has come close to what the guest on Dr. Phil has been living with. I remember feeling so sorry for myself and dwelling on situation and people that I now realize didn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. Wow.

It’s easy to compare our lives to others’, wishing we could have what they do, but the honest truth is this: If we really knew what their life was like, we probably wouldn’t want anything that’s remotely similar. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. I’ve never been one to compare or desire someone else‘s life, but I know plenty of folks who have.

After I reflected on my own choices, relationships and events from the past I was reminded of how everything happens for a reason and everything has its divine time. I know I’m very fortunate and I’m proud of myself for getting through all those rough cycles. I truly believe all those special “little things” in life will add up, eventually rewarding us for all our hard work.

So on this Thanksgiving day I’m grateful for everything I’ve had to endure, positive and negative. I’m happy to have had so many people touch my life. I wish you all the very best and hope your holiday season is filled with blessings.

xoxo,

Cristin

The other day I was thinking about my life and the people I left behind in Michigan almost a year and a half ago. I know I made the right choice for myself, but that doesn’t stop me from missing those I love most. My grandfather is preparing to kick the bucket, my God-daughter has going through hell, an old friend of mine is in jail, my mother is full of doom ‘n gloom, my niece probably won’t recognize me when I go back for the holidays and I’m feeling a bit lost without my sister and friends. I feel like I’m needed there now and due to my responsibilities here in Ohio, I can’t just appear with the flick of a wand. If only I could be in two places at once.

Knowing that I’ll be going back there soon helps ease my mind a bit. I just hope that my grandfather hangs in there until I can see him. The holidays have never been a great time for my family, especially for my mother. My father left us on Christmas Day, my grandmother passed right before in 2001 and my mother’s doggy died the year after. The last thing she needs is another death in the family during the holiday season, but I have this sense of urgency so I’m guessing the Universe will be delivering more of the same.

While I was in the mood, I compiled a list of people I owe visits to and wow, that thing is much bigger than I thought. When I lived there my life seemed dull and completely uninspiring. I rarely saw my mother because I can only take her in small doses and there was a bit of distance with my friends due to our schedules, drama and major life events.

Now that I live about 300 miles away, I’m much closer to them than ever, with the exception of a couple of folks I had to extract from my life. Strange, isn’t it? It’s kind of like the song, “Don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.” I’ve noticed that people tend to take their friends and family for granted, myself included, not realizing the true depth of the connections they have. When we see people too much, we need a break and when it’s not enough, we feel the void in a big way. Unless something like a move or catastrophic event occurs, it’s easy to let life get in the way, putting a strain on communications.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about how scent can trigger the memory, specifically about the Fall and its emotional effects. We ended up comparing notes about how we felt a year ago at this time vs. the place we’re in now. I must say that last November wasn’t great for me. I was still adjusting to the move, trying to meet new people and reconciling the fact that some people I considered to be close friends were nothing but traitors. It’s a lot to take in while building a new foundation in a location where I didn‘t have a strong support system.

My how things have changed! My personal life is very different from what I ever imagined it would be. I’m doing things I never wanted to do, but found that it actually works for me as long as I can maintain a huge part of my truth in the process. That was a struggle though, let me tell ya. For a period of time there wasn’t enough Cristin to go around. That sounds really bad, but I think you know what I mean, lol. I didn’t have enough energy to distribute amongst those who were requesting it or have any left over for myself.

So now I’m thinking that I can have the best of both worlds since I’ve been able to introduce some of my hometown friends to the ones here. See, now I’m quoting a Hannah Montana song, lol. That’s what happens when you date a guy with young daughters! Anyway, this holiday season is going to be very different from the last. I’m looking forward to spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in comfortable atmospheres without the drama. I haven’t had that in a very long time.

xoxo,

Cristin

Fall is my favorite season. There’s something I’ve always found magical about this time of year. I love how the leaves change to vibrant tones of yellow, red and orange. My favorite outdoor activities occur during these months. Best of all, the breeze has this bizarre, inducing scent that takes me back to some of the happiest moments in my past. So here I am again, feeling nostalgic and reflecting on some of the choices I’ve made in my life.

The other day I was running errands when I received an image of a friend I lost touch with. She lived in New York and we met on the internet through a social group. I remember having a specific conversation with her where I was frustrated and extremely broke at the time. I feared I wouldn‘t find a way to make it. She had a huge relationship problem so we took turns venting to one another. About a week after this occurred, I came home from work to this massive box outside my apartment door. I opened it to find all sorts of non-perishable goods. She packed as much as she could safely ship. Needless to say, I was stunned, grateful and at a complete loss for words (if you can believe that).

After re-living that experience in my mind, I started to question the reason I was remembering something that happened so many years ago. Then it hit me… I’ve been angry with myself for giving too much to those who don’t show appreciation. I had forgotten that there were some people who have committed unselfish, charitable acts for me in the past. It’s so easy to discard the good times when I’ve spent the majority of my life being an emotional doormat, broken piñata and piggy bank for others.

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I believe that memory served as a reminder of what I should be thankful for.  Even though the gifts I’ve received from others during the course of my life doesn’t match what I’ve put out, I need to remember that if I’m this giving, there are plenty of other people in the world who are the same way.  I just love how Spirit can shower me with flashbacks as a method of kicking my butt into gear. It’s effective every single time too!

This epiphany seems to have granted permission for other memories to re-surface. Some are really great things I’ve done for other people and the rest have been triggered by the spirit of Fall.  I’m reminded of my days in the marching band where I believe I felt the most at ease, motivated and happy in my personal life. I spent so many years in music so how did it fall through the cracks and into my subconscious? Probably because I keep moving forward, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but my focus has generally stayed on the constant drama I’ve had to endure, whether it was mine or someone else’s.

So I guess the lesson for today is to reflect on the positive moments from the past once in a while in order to keep a balanced perspective of our lives. Tapping into the good stuff is healthy as long as we apply the feelings to creating out future.  I know that staying focused on the negative does nothing but attract the energy I don‘t want and that very special flashback has made me aware of the place I‘ve been in lately. At least I got it out of my system. Better out than in, I tell ya!