BEING THE BEST THAT WE CAN BE

CHANGE BEGINS WITH CHOICE

posted Sunday, October 05, 2008 8:16 PM by desiree93 | 0 Comments

HOW SOON TO HAVE SEX

Hello ladies,

This subject has come up over and over (and over) again. I feel it merits addressing. Most of the pain in male/female relationships comes from having sex too soon. Why?...Because women bond with men when they are sexual. It's a proven chemical reaction, and the connection is typically intense. Men, on the other hand, are not wired the same way. Men take longer to  form an emotional bond than women. When men  are allowed to channel their emotions through sex too early , they no longer feel the need to channel their emotions at all.

After a week of calls from women who've given the most intimate gift they have to give to men who aren;t as invested, I've become motivated to write this blog in order to spare another woman the same kind of pain these women have experienced. I will change their names to protect their confidentiality.

Rosemarie has been sleeping with a man who has 2 other women. She pressured him about this and he claimed he needed two months to clear out the others. She asked me if he loved her. Sadly, the answer is no. If he did, there would be no other women and he'd not be stalling for another couple of months to continue withhis other connections.He is enjoying the situation and sees no reason to change.
Laurie has been meeting a man in a hotel for THIRTY years who comes to town regularly on business. He  declares his love, and promises they'll be together when he resolves his problems, which rotate like a revolving door.. She wanted to know if he loved her. The answer is no. A man who loves a woman wants to share her life and creates the path for that to happen. She lamented that he "used" her for all this time. The truth is that she was a volunteer.
Sherry has been traveling for 2 years to spend weekends with the man of her heart. He does not travel to her, ever, because he doesn't like freeway driving.This relationship has not progressed as a result. She wanted to know if he loved her and would he commit........What he is demonstrating is that his needs are being met... She's delivering sexuality  to him like a pizza, which diminishes her value and thus he has no inclination  whatsoever to pursue more.
Kathleen called on a Tuesday complaining she hadn't heard from her boyfriend since Friday. In talking a bit she indicated she just met him on that Friday. I had to explain this was not her boyfriend but a one-night stand. she was crushed. She also never heard from him again...

Ladies,your sexuality is the most intimate gift you can give a man. It is not a requirement for having a relationship. Love is. If the man doesn't love you. don't sleep with him. Ask yourself why you would give that particular gift to a man who does not. How do you know if he really loves you? He wants to marry you, and proves it with an engagement.Why settle for less? That's it pure and simple. Anything less is your ticket to heartache. If you have to wait a bit, then wait. He has to feel you are worth wating for. If you give yourself away casually, he will perceive you as casual.Men can and do have the abilty to separate love from sex. Women rarely do.

In taking better care of your own vulnerability, you will find that your relationships with men improve tremendously. By having a high standard for yourself you will gain his respect, sustain his interest and pave the way for lasting love...

Blessings to you all.....

posted Monday, September 22, 2008 12:27 PM by desiree93 | 3 Comments

A LESSON IN PERSONAL POWER

"Mickie," the caller I referenced in the previous blog, has been confronted with an obstacle in her relationship. How she has handled it is a testement to her self-esteem, peace of mind and most important the confidence to know that she CAN have what she wants. In spite of this challenge to her conviction, she did not let herself get thrown off track. Clearly, this is a demonstration that it is never what happens that causes us upset, but what we tell ourselves about it. Mickie's self-talk is constructive, empowering and most of all healthy. Her reaction is an inspirational example from which we can all beneift .

Here's what happened: Her Significant Other, a man she has been seeing for about a year in an enjoyable, compatible, close and flourishing relationship suddenly got cold feet. They had not been fighting. There was no scary talk about the future (the standard trigger for male panic). All was well, when he dropped the bomb that he was "depressed " but with no specific understanding about what. He claimed to have lost interest in relating to ANYBODY, and that included her. While he admitted he cared for her, he also indicated he wanted some distance.

Was she happy about this? Absolutely not. However, she stayed in  the logical part of her mind instead of plunging like a missle into the emotional part, a place we women are all too familiar with. She informed me the "old her' would have pleaded, tried to convince,coax and cling, feeling  devastated,helpless and hopeless without him. Instead, she told him she understood, fully accepted what he was feeling, but in no way applied pressure or became needy and  clingy None of that. She stayed in her power despite her shock and disappointment.....

She is now open to dating others, and toward that end has put up a profile on Match. This isn't what she prefers to do, but she is demonstrating the "goddess' mentality that we all need to embrace. Rather than sit at home pining, waiting and wondering what's going on with him, she is inviting in new male energy in order to keep her spirits us and her sense of female power at it's best. At the very least this will keep her confidence level high and reinforce her belief in herself about what she's worth. She is demonstrating  complete confidence that the universe provides. She knows with total certainty that either this man will get his head together or the universe will bounce him out so that the man who is right for her can come in. She is focusing on her own happiness FIRST. As a result she is not depressed, suffering or anxiety ridden. she is grounded in complete faith that her Highest Good is being meted out, inspite of the external circumstances. This ladies, is where we all need to be. The goddess is the woman who gets what she wants.......
So ask yourself, are you in your "Goddess mentality"?

If you are currently struggling or need support in this area, be assured that you, just like Mickie, can transend male shenanigans and maintain joy and serenity. If you'd like to discuss this further, I'd be happy to send you some free minutes to do so. If you'd like to communicate with Mickie, just leave her a message here because she will be checking this blog. We Keen Sisters have to stick together as we grow and learn..

Blessings to you all............

Desiree

posted Friday, September 12, 2008 9:05 AM by desiree93 | 2 Comments

IS IT OK TO SAY ' I LOVE YOU' FIRST?

This question was posed to me after a caller, who shall be identified here as "Mickie", was wondering if my last blog about risking one's feelings, meant that one should go ahead and declare her love for the man who has captured her heart.. I thought she brought up a good point, and decided that today's comments would clarify the last message.

By risking feelings, as the blog discussed, the intent of that commentary was to heighten our consciousness about over-intellectualizing, justifying the acceptance of a mediocre situation, denying our intuition, not acknowledging our emotions, and sabotaging our own success all in an effort to avoid having to deal with feelings. It means never pretending you feel something you really don't in order to please someone else. This is a huge deterrant to intimacy, by the way, the very thing you are wanting to have .
It's not the feelings themselves that cause problems, but fear we're tryingto avoid by allowing them. Keep in mind that feelings are fleeting. None of them last indefinitely.

Now, back to the topic in the title. I would be very interested to know what experience any of you have had in declaring yur love first. Every single relationship expert and coach discourages this. General opinion is it's a bad idea.The reason is it frequently means different things to men than it does to women. When a woman says it, she is expressing her feelings only. When a man says it, typically he feels an action is supposed to accompany it somewhere down the line, like an engagement. So, if a woman says it first and the man is not yet ready for that kind of commitment, he usually ruins the moment, out of fear about what's expected of him.. In my own case, I made that mistake, one from which I am trying to spare you. After I declared myself, his response was," Hmmm,We're really good together'. ...This is not the response I was hoping for, and just between us girls, I made a mental note to never say that first to a man ever again...By the way, we're not together.

So to sum up, do not let your resistance to feel your emotions imprison you. Keep your heart open to others, and allow love to flow to you just as easily as you extend it.

But in terms of the age-old male/female dynamic, let him say "I love you" first.

ladies, care to share your esperiences with this? We could ALL benefit from a concensus.

posted Monday, September 08, 2008 12:37 PM by desiree93 | 8 Comments

DARE TO FEEL

One of the biggest risks we can take is to feel. The nature of human beings is to run away from pain. There's no free will and no exceptions to that rule.

Why do we check out emotionally, or avoid going out on dates, or making new friends? Why do we avoid leaving relationships that aren't meeting our needs?......We can't stand the pain! A guarded heart affects everything we do, every relationship we have, and ultimately our connection to our Higher Source.

Today, unchain your heart. Take a chance on love,  making a new friend, making a necessary change in your life, or revealing your true feelings. Let people see what's beneath your hood. There's something so liberating about exposing yourself. That sounds scarey, but propels you rapidly on your path for your Highest Good.

posted Sunday, September 07, 2008 6:47 AM by desiree93 | 0 Comments

THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

I would like to acknowlege Debbie Ford, one of the most spiritually enlightened minds of our time, a prolific author in the area of personal growth and enlightement, as ths inspiration for this blog.

So many of us get stuck in situations and experiences that don't serve us, yet we mistakenly think these issues are caused by someone else. "If only so-and-so would change I could be happy", we tell ourselves. While we certainly cannot change anyone else, we can do a better job of protecting ourselves from unnecessary anguish if we ask ourselves some important questions aboutthe concerns with which we are struggling. These need to be evaluated before we find ourselves immobilized by frustration and fear.

1. Am I Standing In My Power Or Am I trying To Please Someone Else?

2.Will This Choice Bring Me Long-Term Fulfillment or Will it Bring Me Immediate gratification?

3.Will This Choice Propel Me Toward A Healthier Future or Will It Perpetuate The Pain From My Past?

4.Does This Choice Empower Me or Does It Rob Me Of My Energy?

5.Is This An Act Of Faith or an Act Of Fear?

6.Will I use This Experience For My Growth or to Beat Myself Up?

Have you asked yourself any of these questions? If so, what has your experience been?

posted Friday, September 05, 2008 9:05 AM by desiree93 | 0 Comments

He's not committing..........

Hi ladies,

I am moved to write because this week there have been more calls than I can count his week from women who are sexual with men who are showing no signs of wanting a committed relationship with them. In fact, I just had a caller this evening who is in that  boat. The man will be chummy enough for sex, but after several months is still keeping the relationship at arms length. I was telling the caller that the cards showed that she could actually turn this around, but at the moment given the current circumstances, that it's quite clear that he was just seeing her as a "good time," thinking this is what she wanted too. I assured her I was on her side, wanting her to succeed in her relationship. In fact, I am committed to seeing women feel secure, joyous and cherished in their relationships with men, and will do all that my gifts allow to help them have that.......The caller I was just speaking of, fully comprehended what I was telling her, but didn't want to deal with her contribution to the problem. So she left a one star rating and hung up. She wanted to hear that  yes, he would commit to her by the endof the month. She's been calling readers for a year getting those kinds of predictions.....and nothing ever transpired. It is not the rating  am objectiong to, but what I see as an enormous problem of a woman being sexual BeFORE the man has given his heart, before he has claimed her as his own, before he has indcated he wants an exclusive relationship with her. This is the basis for most of the pain women experience at the hands of men. The men are doing nothing wrong. This is the way God made them. They are wired for sex. Is it possible for them to love? CERTAINLY!...But they take longer. And a w ise woman does not have sex with a man who does not love her. Men do not value a woman who is easy. They want to see their woman as a queen, a prize, someone with self-respect and standards...............By giving away the most intimate gift we have to give to a man whose heart is not invested is sending him the message that we do not place much value on ourselves. I know this to be true, because men call the line as well and indicate this constantly........Shooting the messenger does not change the reality. See yourself always for the magnificent, beautiful, deserving, desireable, fantiastic creature who you are. Easy sex is a man's game. Women get hurt by it. They get attached to the man and suffer tremendous pain when their affections are not returned. Men value what they have to work for. If he does not have to put in any effort to get you on your back there is no way he will want to take you to the altar. Love yourselves ladies, and waIT, no matter how much your hormones are raging, till he loves you back.......

So, once again , my dear ones, I will make the point that it's important to be self-honoring. This is the most intimate gift we have to give, and it should never be given lightly. We  women bond with men with whom we are sexual. Men do not have this same mechanism......Recognize the difference in the two genders and you will find you are far less likely to experience the pain of detachment, rejection or distancing....

Blessings, love and light..
Desiree

posted Thursday, August 28, 2008 7:20 PM by desiree93 | 3 Comments

THIS SEEMS TO BE THE WEEK TO HELP OTHERS

Hi Ladies,
If you believe, as I do,that we are all here to help one another, here's another request. Denise has  neuropathy in her right eye. This means it won't open. She is quite distressed as you can well imagine,and would love more than anything to be able to get back to her normal life. She has an appointment with a neurological opthamologist shortly. We are hoping he will be able to remdy the problem,which was the basis for her reading.

I told her I would ask her Keen sisters to offer their prayers,support and visualization to actualize the complete and total correction of her eye problem....Won't you join me in sending her positive  words and healing vibrations?...............Thanking you in advance...............

posted Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:08 PM by desiree93 | 2 Comments

JAMIE NEEDS OUR HELP

Ladies,

We have a fellow Keen sister with a problem for which she could use our support.I happen to believe in "mass consciousness." This means that with the power of intention,if it's for the Highest Good of all concerned,we can bring into manifestation that which we desire. The more people who are alligned with the principle and offering their  positive vibration,the easier and more likely it is to actualize that which we are seeking.I am asking for your help on Jamie's behalf.

Jamie's ex-husband is a convicted child-molester. In fact, he is currently living with a woman whose daughter he molested.Can you believe that?????For some reason the judge has given him supervised visitation with the son he had with Jamie,though he violates that by visiting with the child alone, when his grandmother is supposed to be monitoring. Jamie is extremely worried because the judge for some reason is showing  sympathy to the father,no doubt the result of a slick attorney. Jamie is quite  concerned about the safety of her child,and could use our support as she grapples with this difficult issue. For what it's worth,the ex is also seriously behind with  child support payments too. Will you please join me in attracting to Jamie an outcome to her case that renders her child safe from his predatory father. She needs our help.......

posted Sunday, July 27, 2008 5:06 PM by desiree93 | 7 Comments

HELENE

Hello Ladies,

I wanted to tell you about "Helene." What an inspiration she is! She has been interested in a man,romantically, for quite some time. He has shown an interest but doesn;t let it get beyond friendship. I've been reading for her and have always seen that he thinks she's absolutely terrific in every sense of the word, but because of his own issues,has not let the relationship evolve to the deep,loving union which is what she wants.

So today she sent him an email indicating that she cared very much for him and hoped he'd want to proceed with a romantic relationship. But if not,she was no longer content just being his firend, and would therefore not welcome any more contact. She was prepared to end the entire relationship if he would not give her what she wanted.
This JUST happened,so we don't have his response yet. But look what a major step she took toward her own happiness,as she prioritized what she needed ,what she felt she deserved, and what she would no longer accept.

This is a very courageous thing she's done. She's set a boundary in place, indicating she will no longer accept crumbs. This will change the course of her entire destiny because the universe also picks up her vibration. The message is "I will no longer accept crumbs. I will only accept a bakery." This means that either this man will shape up, or the universe will bounce him out  so a "bakery" can come in. Either way she will be a winner. The pivotal thing is that she has made a  strong statement about her own worth and value, which is the most important thing, and a great stride toward enhancing her self-esteem. What an example she is for taking care of her own needs!

 This is a first for her.Care to offer "Helene" a few  words of support and encouragement for having taken this big step?

posted Tuesday, July 22, 2008 7:10 PM by desiree93 | 13 Comments

TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS

Hello Ladies,

I would like your opinion about a seminar I attended yesterday.
The speaker, a well-known life-coach, with an emphasis on relationships has written a book,
Kissing or No Kissing: Whom Will You Save Your Kisses For? A Dating Guide to Creating Your Dreams

Because I am contemplating writing one of my own, I thought I would go to her lecture and hear what she had to say. I must say it was  quite profound.

She describes herself as having made all the mistakes women do with men, sex too soon, pursuing them, making excuses for them (he's just going through a hard time right now, his ex-wife is upsetting him, he lost his job, he's drinking....A LOT, he's "confused" and doesn't know what he wants, and so forth, all of which isman-talk for he wants to be intimate with you without committing),over-functioning in the relationship. Her wake-up call came when she asked the man she'd been seeing for 8 months and getting along quoite well, spending a lot of time together,"how come you don't say, 'i love you?'...His response was,"I am saving that for the woman who I'll make my wife." Our friend here was devastated because she realized in that instrant that he didn;t see her as wife material. Since she wanted to be married, she had no choice but to end that relationship and ask her how she got so attached and he wasn't as much. Since she has had other unfulfilling situations where she was waiting for a man's call, or for a man to warm up again after he cooled off, and wound up being obsessed most of the time,she figured something out. She decided that the reason she wwent to the crazy place in her head over a man wa OXYTOCIN. This is a peptide that gets released in the blood stream when a womanis cuddled, caressed and made love to. (it doesn;t happen for men). ...This peptide causes a chemical reaction of bonding, which can be quite intense and takes a very long time to dissipate. So she she did not like where she goesin her hear\d,all the misery, insecurity, and anguish concerning men, she decided to prevent the oxytocin from being released. How did she do that?.......No kissing until there was a ring on her finger.Not because she didn't want to, but because she was protecting herself from the excessive and debilitating attachment which comes with being physicalwith a man who is not committed..........Well,as luck would have it, in time she met another man.They greatly enjoyed one another, and then the fateful night arrived wheb he asked if he could kiss her. Her response,"ThankYou. You are gorgous, sexy , a lot of fun and I really would like to be all over you, but I am wanting a long-term relationship leading to marriage, and I am not comfortable being casual with my kisses or my body.I hope you understand my feelings"........................I'll cut to the chase,ladies. He married her!

Another gal in the audience who had read the book prior to coming to the seminar, indicated she's  dating a professional football player (a lot of testosterone here). She gave him the same speech( she read  that in the book) and she reported he almost fell over from the shock. NO ONE had ever said something like that to him before...He took her home pretty quickly after her declaration, and didn't call again so she thought he was gone for good.....However, 2 weeks later he did call to go out again, and now is asking to see her FIVE nights a week,making great, exciting,elaborate plansfor each one.

Most of my blogs have focused on the sex-too-soon premise, but this position takes it to a level I've never heard of nor considered.  The lecturer/author indicated she put a stop to her own suffering over a man, and never again was in a postion to anguish over his conduct,commitment (or lack of) or the value he placed on her. She ended her days of "man pain.".........So I am tossing it out to you for your opinion.What do you think of this position? I'd be very onterested in hearing your comments.

posted Sunday, July 13, 2008 7:10 AM by desiree93 | 2 Comments

HOW TO BE THERE FOR HIM WITHOUT PUSHING HIM AWAY AT THE SAME TIME

Hi Ladies,

If you love your man so much it's
"driving you crazy," because you can't tell how he
truly feels about you and you're not getting your
needs for affection, attention and connection
taken care of, I can help.

If he was "hot" at the beginning of your
relationship and now he seems "casual" and almost
cold, you'll want to read the rest of what I am about to share with you-

    If your relationship is feeling so insecure and
unsteady that you can't think of anything but your
man and what HE might be thinking about your
relationship - I know how you feel and I can help.

    Even if we're normally steady-type women (where
we're always the one our girlfriends turn to when
they need advice) - loving a man who's hot and
cold can make any one of us obsessive, confused -
even depressed.

  Here's a conversation I had with"louisa" , who's feeling
completely bound up in her relationship and can't
get a big enough picture to see what's really
going on - I gave her  some help
to get back on her path to Happy Ever After and
the REAL man of her dreams:

Hi Desiree!,
It's been a week now since I heard from my
boyfriend and it's driving me crazy. I've stayed
with him 2 days a week for the past 2 months and
it is hard when you're laying in bed thinking
about someone you love and care about and he is
not there....

We've been seeing each other for over 9 months now
and I feel like if we did not have a connection we
should have been apart, but he told me we were
getting closer and every time he does he backs off.
His ex-girlfriend was bugging him and he told me
he told her to quit calling him. He told me he
chose me because I am always there for him and do
not go out and mess around on him.

I am confused right now - I don't know if we are
still going together or not. When he begged me
not to be mad at him - he said he would call me
later and maybe hook back up but never did. I have
not heard from him since.

He will not answer my phone calls or text me like
he normally does. He will not tell to leave him
alone - so he does not want to lose me completely.
We were looking for houses to rent. We were close
until we went camping last week and both of us
were too stressed...

I love him soo much it's driving me crazy. I am
the type of person that's got to make things right
and talk them out - I could not do that last week
the way I wanted to - he made me sooo mad. I sent
him a letter and told him he knew where I was if
he wanted to talk to me, that he would have to
call me and it's been a week. I haven't heard
anything and don't know what to think. He knows I
love him very much!!!

He has sooo many issues in his life he's dealing
with but I am there for him!! He will not find
anyone like me to take the time out for him and I
am a faithful person.

He told me I was not the problem - HE was. I am
trying not to let this get to me but it's very
hard when you love someone who makes you happy. I
am happy when I am with him always.

This whole thing is driving me crazy...friends
tell me give him time and space it will work out
...I hope they are right. What do the cards say is in store for us?

***Here's my answer, and a Tool to help you if you
ever find yourself in a similar situation:

 The problem is in all your GOOD qualities!

    "Being there for a man" is a great thing - but
it depends on what you're "there" for.

    If you're there when HE wants to talk, and you
hear him and give him the emotional support he
asks for, that's great.

    But if you run errands  for him, cook
him meals all the time because you think that's
the way to be there for him, and HELP him with  solutions to his
problems - that will only push him away.

    It has been this way with men since the
beginning of time.

    A woman who combines a maternal care-taking
quality with an always-there-for-you-sexually NO
MATTER HOW YOU TREAT ME or fulfill MY NEEDS
quality and a long-suffering, understanding "his
issues" quality - will ALWAYS be looked at by ANY
man as a "DOORMAT woman", a "disposable-tissue woman"
- a woman you dump when the hot girl who really IS
"hard-to-get" shows up.

    Sounds awful, and it's true.

    Even the best, most kind man, even the most
famous, wealthy and gorgeous man, even the most
quiet, brainiac man wants a woman he has to WORK
FOR - who - when he gets to her, is then "There
for him."

    No man wants a woman who PRESENTS herself to
him, as you've been doing, as an "I'm there for
you" woman.

    THE BEST WAY TO "BE THERE" FOR A MAN IS TO BE
THERE FOR YOURSELF.

    That means you have a life, you are not focused
on him, you are happy even when he's not there -
and most of all - if he can't or doesn't want to
work to make you happy by being there for YOU, as
well - you'll wish him well (without anger) and
allow another man to make you happy.

    This is not the same as "messing around."

    I know this is all easy to say.

    "Have confidence in yourself and don't get
needy around him," is  also easy to say.

    What we're doing here is actually getting this
going inside us - so we can DO THAT - so we can
radiate confidence and yet warmth and love - all
at the same time.

If you're "crazy about a man" in a way he's not

expressing to YOU - you're likely pushing him
away.

    The energy has to come FROM the man TO us.

    If it doesn't, he experiences it as a PUSH, and
he'll withdraw.

    I know how frustrating this is.

    You can't make a man give you energy.

    Trying to make him give you energy and love by
GIVING so much energy and love to HIM, as "louisa"
is doing, will only drive him away.

    I know it sounds unfair...but this is how it
works.

    That's why the game of "playing hard to get"
has ALWAYS been popular, and always worked (for a
short while at least).

    Louisa, what you have to do here is back up,
and get rid of this desperate quality of need
inside you - you just don't want him to pick up on
that "vibe."

    You have to find a way - by spending time and
energy doing other things that interest you, that
you feel passionate about - to simply ENJOY him
when he's there, and to be able to tell him
plainly that if he wants you all to himself you
need more "good boyfriend stuff" from him.

    There is no point to being in an exclusive
relationship where you don't see him often enough
or hear from him often enough.

    It's not a real relationship when you're not
feeling fulfilled and satisfied and secure.

    During this "feeling-out" dating stage of a
relationship, no matter how hard we try to make
it "real" in our minds - it's still only an
Imaginary Relationship.

    And the only thing trying to believe that an
Imaginary Relationship is a "Real" Relationship
will get you - is PAIN.

    For Louisa, 9 months should be PLENTY of time
for a relationship to turn REAL.

    So - do this for me - write some lists:

    Write a list about how you want this
relationship to look - how often you want to be
with each other, how often you want to talk by
phone, how you want it to look a few months down
the line.

    Then write a list about what HE wants.

    I'll bet the only thing on that list of his
would be: "I want to have a great time with you in
the moment and just see how it goes..."

    Well, how do we make that okay?

    I mean, if what we want is a Real Relationship,
with a future, with living together, with
marriage, with children...how do we make it okay
that he just wants to go on the way it is -

    And the answer is THERE IS NO WAY.

    THE MOMENT YOU GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT FOR A MAN,
SO HE CAN HAVE WHAT HE WANTS, YOU LOSE.

    You lose his respect, you lose his passion, you
lose your power.

    So - how to get all that back?

    Take your list of how you want the relationship
to look - and see which of your items are
deal breakers, and which are just preferences.

    For instance "We go out to dinner twice a week"
is a preference, "I feel good about myself and our
relationship even when we're not together" is a
deal breaker.

    Now - once you have your list together, and
you've changed your life so it's not running
completely around him and you're not being "there"
for him like a mother or business partner or
sister or friend - by always being ready to spring
into action to help him or to be with him - sit
down and write some ways to express all this to
HIM.

    This "expressing my feelings to him" part is
where we all get ourselves into trouble.

    We either hold back and don't say what's on our
minds about how we feel, or we spew our feelings all
over him and as a result send him running for the nearest exit.

Narrow your expression down to   4 sentences.Men only hear in sound bites. When you have a letter that goes on for pages,he's done at the first paragraph. When you are expressing yourself verbally,he will only hear "blah, blah,blah" after a minute or two.So be concise and brief....and stop over-functioning in the relationship.It does not win you any points. It only shuts him down....

 

   

posted Saturday, June 21, 2008 7:57 AM by desiree93 | 2 Comments

ARE YOU GETTING HIM TO "FOREVER"OR JUST PUSHING HIM AWAY?

Hello Ladies,

if your man is keeping you off
balance, giving you mixed messages, being vague
and noncommittal about where your relationship is
going, but it still FEELS good when you're
together, you have all the hope in the world.

    Are you feeling caught between your feelings
for your man and the fear that he doesn't really
intend to take your relationship all the way to
"lifelong"?

     The flip that happens between "girlfriend" and
"wife" can seem like a canyon that's nearly
impossible to cross, or it can be a tiny change
that happens in his heart in a moment.

    For one of my callers, "Isabelle", she reported how she turned things around for herself, and I thought it was valuable to share her comments: My man was "confused" to the point
of seeing a therapist who told him to tell me that
if I "loved him I would give him the time he
needed."

   My answer was "Of course you can have all the
time you need, you just can't have me all to
yourself while you're deciding."

    And you just have to know that I followed through by
changing my energy in the relationship,  - In  less than 6 weeks I had his
sweet proposal of marriage.

    To this day I have no idea how I knew to do
what I did - there was no one to help me, and the
truth was, all my friends and my mother thought I
was crazy to take the approach I did.

   Ladies, this just illustrates that everything we women have
been taught about how to be with men is wrong, and
how to learn for ourselves what TRULY WORKSwith a man.

   This is from  "Deanna", who's at that
horrible place - her man is there but not there,
he's hot, then cold, he's a boyfriend, but then he
doesn't know where that will lead - he's simply
not "invested" enough in the relationship.

    I'll show you how the two of us put our heads together to turn thi s around.

I have been in a year long relationship with a guy
that just won't commit. I have pulled way back andstopped all initiating  calls,texts,emails etc)and this has actually brought him closer. However,
the one thing I am having difficulty with is the
flirting and dating other men,which you recommended last time we spoke.I just have no interest in doing that.Yet, I feel so
frustrated and sometimes so hopeless and
depressed, because this guy is keeping me off
balance with his mixed messages.

He knows what I want, I have been patient. The
other night we went to a wedding and when I asked
him why we cant be that forever couple. He couldn't
give me one answer, so then I asked him can he
picture a life without me in it? And since we
have honest and open communication, he said yes.
Of course that threw me into a depression. I just
don't know were to go from here. I am deeply in
love with him, and It just kills me to think I
will be forced into dating other men. I don't want
to date other men, but I don't want things to stay
the same as they are now. I feel stuck Can you look in your cards for advice how to get the outcome I want?

My reply:

Deanna, Your card spread coupled with claorvoyant messages reports that  Circular Dating is a huge part of
bridging the gapyou are experiencing, and can make all the difference for you.

    Let's start with your perception of being
"forced into dating other men."

    Circular dating is not about abandoning the
relationship you're in - it's not about
changing HIM, or doing ANYTHING for him or for
the relationship. You just sit back,pivot inthe other direction and fill up your life,PARTICULARLY with other men

    Circular dating is about YOU.

    It's about keeping your options open and
recovering your strength and power, allof which you have given to this man.

    Often, and this is so easy to miss, being out
in the world, flirting and having coffee with men,
can completely CHANGE EVERYTHING.

    It does it in two ways:

    One, YOU feel better.

    When you feel weak, as you do right now, your
Degree of Difficulty goes into the toilet, and
your ATTRACTIVENESS to him goes down, too.

    When you feel bound to one man - a man who is
CLEARLY not doing the job - he feels in control of
YOU - and YOU feel like HE'S in control of you,
too.

    This is a horrible place to be in.

    It feels stuck, it makes you ANGRY, and you
feel almost at his mercy.

    Like he's calling the shots.

    And, guess what - he IS.

    And, guess what, too - he HATES calling the
shots like this.

    The biggest favor you can do any man, and then
you automatically do yourself the biggest favor,
is to let him feel the feeling that he has to WORK
for you.

A MAN NEEDS TO "WORK" FOR YOU IN ORDER TO "VALUE"
YOU

    I'm a big student of dog training - it SO
applies to relationships, though not in the way
you'd immediately think, because men don't work
like dogs - but there are things they have in
COMMON with dogs.

    Dogs like to WORK.

    They like a job.

    They like to bring in the paper.

    They like to "Sit" for rewards.

    They like the praise they get when they do what
you've asked them to do - when they UNDERSTAND
what it is you want them to do, and they do it,
and get your praise.

    Some dogs don't care so much about praise.

    They work for food.

    Or for play time.

    But, across the board - they like to feel
USEFUL.

    That's right.

    And men have this in common with dogs.

    If it doesn't take WORK for them to have you,
in their minds, you aren't worth having.

    But for us, making a man WORK for us seems
horrible.

    We feel like we're being mean and calculating.

    For them to WORK to have sex with us seems like
a form of prostitution - so we have sex with them
even when they treat us badly, ignore us, or just
simply are passive about the whole thing.

    Well, it doesn't work like that,Spirit tells us.

    If we're easy - and this holds true for the
entire length of a relationship or marriage - all
the way to the end of life together! - then they
lose interest.

Have you ever noticed how a man who doesn't
appear "driven" in his work is driven in other
ways?

    Ever saw a man you think is not ambitious get
all worked up over a video game or basketball?

    Competition is part of a man's makeup.

    And if we short circuit that, by taking
ourselves "out of play" for them, before they've
done what they KNOW they have to do to get that
commitment from us - we DENY them their basic,
manly pleasures.

    We deprive our man of the opportunity to WIN us
- every moment, every day of the week.

    So Deanna, before you think about being
"forced" to flirt and Circular Date, please
consider experiencing for the FUN of it!

    Consider the new position of Power you'll feel
with your man once YOU feel stronger inside.

    Because what will happen is, you'll meet men
who think you're amazing, and act like it.

    Your self-esteem will rise.

    You'll be busy sometimes when he calls.

    You will automatically have a higher Degree of
Difficulty.

    And all that practicing outside of your

relationship will pay off for you INSIDE the
relationship.

    It all comes from you, not him.

Deanna called a month later. He proposed.

posted Saturday, June 07, 2008 8:20 AM by desiree93 | 0 Comments

IS YOUR MAN HOT AND COLD?

HelloLadies,

if your man is making you feel
confused - that awful feeling of being loved one
minute and practically ignored the next, I know
how frustrating and painful it feels to just never
know where you stand.

   Here's the kicker:

    Men are NOT confused.

    They know EXACTLY what it is they want and
don't want - they just don't always want to give
up what they have to give up to get what they
want.

    And so they ACT confused.

    It's up to women to not GIVE IN to the confusion they
demonstrate.

    We absolutely cannot tolerate this "hot and
cold" thing - but we have to deal with it in a
completely NEW way than we're used to.

    Usually, we complain, tell the man what he's
doing isn't okay, let him know what we expect,
tell him he's "hurting" us.

    And this will never work!!!!

    There's a way to communicate to a man that what
he's doing isn't "working" for us that will bring
him closer, and a way to do it that will push him
away.

    Here's a synopsis from a call from "Victoria", who's been fooled
by her man for 8 months - I'll let  you know how I answered her, so that it might help you too. .

I have been talking to this guy for a little over
two years now and he would do anything I ask him
to do. He had a girlfriend for the first year-and-
a-half - he would talk to me on the phone and help
my son with homework and take him places.

Then they broke up and we became lovers and we
went everywhere together. This happened for about
eight months, then he tells me he is still in love
with her and he never promised me anything but he
still wants to be best friends with me.

I guess meaning when she's not around he'll call
or text. I don't want friends with benefits - I'm
not that type. It just makes me sick how he played
me. Am I wrong for wanting to break all ties with
him?

My answer: There is one sentence of yours
 that breaks my heart and makes me want to
reach out and hug you, then shake you and throw a
hammer right  at your head - and that's "Am I
wrong for wanting..."

 
 First, never again, please, become exclusively
involved with a man who has not talked about a
future with you, and cemented it with a ring and a
wedding date - or something pretty close - like
buying a home together.

    I know this sounds so difficult, and at first
it will seem weird and uncomfortable - but you'll
get the hang of it quickly and VERY SOON you'll
start to feel POWERFUL.

    There is always a possibility that a man is
fooling us about his feelings for us - just
because he doesn't want to give up the great
services we provide for him (because we're so
wonderful and he doesn't want to lose us) - and
so we end up feeling fooled and hurt.

    So, to minimize your risk, simply date lots of
men, all at the same time, until the man you're
most involved with makes a concrete decision about
his relationship with you.

    This way, you hold onto yourself, to your
power, and you keep all your options open.

    And the bonus is - keeping your options open is
also the most attractive way to be with ANY man -
even a man who says he loves you.

    And now for the truly important part - where
you're doubting your own feelings about what feels
good to you.

    You clearly want nothing to do with this man
anymore.

    Why would you want to waste time with him as a
"friend" when you need that time to DATE other men
who actually might want to pursue a serious,
lifelong relationship with you?

    We only have so much time and energy - why
would you want to waste it on a man who will not
pay off for you?

    What I want for you is to spend time with
friends who make you feel good - all the time -
and stay away from ANYONE who makes you feel bad.

    (And this man is clearly making you feel BAD.)

    This is essentially about the definition of
"friend":

    A friend is someone who likes you, gives you
energy, has your best interests at heart, and whom you can trust.

    I want the best for yu - dump this man NOW -
and get on with dating men who can do the job of first class relationshop for you
Do not settle for less..

   

The following call is from "Lucinda" who is dating a hot and cold man....

I've been seeing this guy and all signs have been
saying we are going to be something more but he
keeps going all hot and cold on me and leaving me
totally confused.

This weekend, I got tired of all the waiting
around and sent him a text message asking him
whether we were ok and he didn't respond till the
next day and all he said was there was 'no
silence,' and that 'he didn't respond immediately
since his phone wasn't charged.'

I would like to believe him but I don't, and
though I really like him I'm tired of his
lukewarmness.

So after he texted me, I didn't reply and haven't
talked to him since then.

So now what's the next step,?

My resonse,Lucinda, the next step is to forget about this
man unless he's right in front of you.

    That means, like for Victoria, you must start
"Circular Dating"

    That means dating many men at a time, not
focusing on any one, and keeping your options open
until one man fights to claim you all to himself.

    And to get you all to himself, he has to lay
out the lifelong commitment he's offering.

    Never TOLERATE this hot and cold thing.

    It's useless to try to correct him, to "let him
know" it bothers you and hurts you - trying to
change things that way will NEVER WORK - you'll
only drive him further away.

    The only way to "heat up" a man is to simply
not tolerate that "lukewarmness."

    Don't make a big deal about what HE'S doing.

    Just go out, ramp up your life OUTSIDE of him,
flirt with other men, date other men, focus your
energy on YOU, and on what's important to you -
work, volunteering, changing the world, taking aclass,learning a new language,how to play an instrument -  and being out
there, among MEN, doing what you love doing.

    Either he'll show up big time, and never go
"cold" again, or another,  much BETTER man will.

    This way - you never end up heartbroken, you
always feel powerful, and self-respecting and you become a magnet for
men so attractive it will shock you!

posted Wednesday, June 04, 2008 6:08 PM by desiree93 | 1 Comments

SEX TOO SOON

Ladies,ladies,ladies,

I decided to write a blog with the intention of reaching the masses on order toiluminate an ongoing problem.There seems to be a huge struggle  with tremendous heartache experienced by women  in relation to the men with whom they are relating.
Today I have had a total of 8 calls from women who all are suffering from the same doubts,fears and insecurities concerning the men in whom they are interested.I will change the names to protect their confidentiality, but will give you an overview of a few of their experiences. If you see yourself in any of these situations,then this blog is is a gift to you.

Rosalie: She reunited with a man she hadn't seen in 2 years.He is living with someone else but has shared with her that he is unhappy,and clearly enjoys it when the two of them are together. He comes over,vicits for a bit, and they wind up in bed.Then a long time elapses till she hears from him again.When she does,he comes over to visit and the same thing happens again...The result is she feels close to him (fantacizing about a permanent relationship),when they are together but totally abandoned when he disappears. She never knows when or if she will hear from him again.

Gretchen: She has been "hanging out" with him for a  few months .It was casual from the beginning. He's lots of fun,sexy and charming.He never takes her out though,just likes to "hang out."She now wants more and feels if she can just get a conversarion going,telling him her  deepest feelings with the request thst he give the relationship a chance to grow ,they will be on their way to a joyous future.He,however, won't make time for the conversation because he's busy "hanging out"with other girls. She's broken hearted!

Ingrid: She has been sleeping with "Nathan" for 2 years. They have a lot of fun together, but the only time they are together is when he wants to have sex. That's it!...She is hurting because he has not made her part of his life after all this time..She tries very hard to prove to him by being extra nice that she's the perfect woman for him..He's not responsive to that, so she blames him for being limited,instead of blaming herself for giving away the most intimate gift she has to offer to a man who has no ontention of committing to her.. What she doesn;t see is that she has "trained" him to treat her like that. She doubts herself all the time, as a result....."What'sthe matter with me?".."How can I make him love me?".She is tormented with her own yearning, fear of being alone, and  doubts about her worthiness .

Sophia: She met "Thomas" online.The chemistry was instant. Fabulous! They couldn;t get enough of talking to one another.They lived for one anlther's emails and calls, exchanging sevcral each day wanting to know more and more about the other.......Finally after 2 weeks they met.They had a great date. They ended it in bed....Thomas is now far more "busy at work "than he was previously and is barely communicative. Sophia is calling,texting and emailing  him constantly.,feeling like she's losing him (she is),and trying to recapture what they had at the very beginning.... She feels panicky and desperate.Was he just using her,she wondered.The answer is no.She was a volunteer, and actually created this debacle herself..

Ladies,what these women have in common is an ignorance about how men's minds work ,and lack of recognition about the power they actually do have.Men are wired for sex.That's the way nature designed them. We women,while enjoying that certainly, really want to be cherished,prioritized,protected,desired,loved and profoundly wanted by our men....Men don't have that heavy emotional tug that we do..Love can come,but only after a significant period of time where they get to know the woman beyond the flirting,sexual innuendos,posturing and wooing....It's always exciting in the beginning,but that is not love.It's infatuation..Many women think it's love and do not realize that the thrill of the newness is what's behind the excitement.After awhile,that naturally fades away.If there is no foundation      of genuine friendship, the relationshipis doomed. Women kid themselves at this stage.What I've heard a thoudsand times is "He told me he never met anyone like me before".....My response to this is "So what?"...That comment doesn't guarantee he won't be trotting off the reservation later to meet up with someone else he "has never felt that way about" either.........When  a man sex BEFORE he's given his heart,they he just isn;t as motivated to pursue.Men are also wired to appreciate variety.

So if you are wanting to inspire a man's love, for  you and you alone, you have to be prepared to give the situation time....time for him to claim you as his own , to demonstrate his love and commitment.......Until he does, hold off on the sex. Women tend to bond with the men with whom they are sexual,and there is no greater pain than to be dumped for lack of interest,after that particular gift has been given. So,how do you know when the man loves you and is committed to you?Hopefully he will tell you...But sure signs are when he introduces you to his family and includes you intheir events,when he actually dates you on a regular ,consistant basis...not just wants to "hang out",when he wants you to share his birthday with him and he wants to be included in yours,when he calls just to see how your day is going,when he sees you have a problem and he wants to solve it for you, when he surprises you with gifts, but mostly when he TELLS you he wants an exclusive relationship with you...Anything less than that,keep those panties on, ladies.

Men want to feel they are getting a prize.If you are so generous with that particular gift, they put you in a catagory, and it isn't the future mother of his children.

The fear of being alone forever is what drives women to dishonor themselves,to throw away the most intimate thing they have to give..... It is at this juncture that we women have to believe in our own value and worth. Women need to convicne themselves that no matter how lonely it gets at times, to be assured with total certainty that there really is a man out there,just for them, who can be a respectful,devoted and lovingl ife partner.....Nothing but that will do!

posted Monday, June 02, 2008 6:15 PM by desiree93 | 11 Comments