MASTER PSYCHIC SUSAN'S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR

WHY DO CLIENTS LEAVE BAD FEEDBACK?

Why do clients leave bad feedback?

There are two types of feedback: constructive and projective.

Constructive feedback addresses a reading's elements, and may describe the client/advisor rapport, the reading's accuracy, and whether the client's needs were satisfied.

Projective feedback is an emotional reaction. The client projects her feelings about herself -- typically shame, rejection, inferiority, or distress -- onto her advisors. This often occurs when a client holds unconsciously unrealistic reading expectations: she may desperately yearn for love and seek confirmation that it will come soon and effortlessly. But when it is not forthcoming, she lashes out at her advisors, for she cannot react against those who have rejected her.

Clients who project unwanted feelings onto others also frequently struggle with idealistic, unrealistic goals. They may hope for instant romance, and crave validation of this from their advisors. Their mood will swing from highly optimistic to dark despair, as potential partners come and go. It is only when such clients begin loving themselves that their unconscious projections -- and need to be completed by an idealistic other -- cease.

There are karmic gifts in this self-discovery, for when this occurs, and the individual radiates the love she has sought outside herself, she draws other loving souls into her world.

In other words, she receives constructive five-star feedback from the Divine.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES: REPUBLICANA and LIBERALTOWN

This is a tale of two cities, Republicana and Liberaltown.

Which one would you call home?

Republicana. Republicana is the oldest city in the state. It is a quiet community of two-story homes with tailored lawns. Its population is homogenous: predominantly white, middle-class Christian families. During walks down Republicana's streets, you'll find children playing and neighbors chatting.

Community get-togethers take place at local churches and prominent business leaders' homes. Some families have lived in Republicana for generations. "Because I can't remember when it wasn't this way" is an expression older Republicanans use with humor when youngsters question their traditions.

The divorce rate in Republicana is low. The city has an average crime rate, but imposes strong penalties and fines against offenders. City government programs are bare-bones. When community members are in need, they seek aid from family, neighbors, and church ties. Conformity is preferred here. If a Republicanan rejects Republicana's moral and civil codes, community members first will gently attempt to persuade the person to "come to her senses." But if the Republicanan continues to disrupt the social fabric through unsettling words or behavior, she is ostracized -- shown she is no longer welcome.

Recently, several tourists from a neighboring city, Liberaltown, visited Republicana. But the visit didn't go well.

"Creepy," said Bob, an African American lawyer from Liberaltown. "I felt like I was back in 1955. At a restaurant, our waitress virtually ignored us. She'd chat up the locals but then walk past us with a nasty, icy look that said 'you don't belong here. Go home.'"

"Not creepy for me, but boring," said Carla, a Liberaltown artist. "No great concerts, political debates, fun movies. I didn't come here to go to church!"

But one Liberaltown visitor, Linda, discovered she felt more at home in Republicana than in Liberaltown.

Linda recently had undergone her second divorce. She felt lonely, unloved, and isolated. Though she dated several men in Liberaltown, none were interested in long-term relationships. During her short stay in Republicana, she met many community members who were welcoming and sympathetic to her. To Linda, the Republicana men she met seemed more stable and responsible than those she encountered in Liberaltown.

Linda began making plans to move.

Liberaltown. Liberaltown is the newest city in the state. It is home to people of myriad ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, and life perspectives. Its cityscape is colorful -- a mosaic of Craftsman homes and brightly-painted Victorians. During walks down Liberaltown's streets, you'll find people chatting at coffee shops, and playing sports at parks.

Life is busiest along Liberaltown's funky commercial streets, which boast dizzying arrays of ethnic eateries, vintage clothing shops, and internet cafes. Liberaltown's population and image is constantly in flux. "It's all good, even if it's lousy" is a humorous expression Liberaltowners use to shrug off day-to-day irritations.

Tolerance is important to Liberaltowners, and strong relationships develop within the diverse community. The city has an average crime rate, and favors rehabilitation for offenders. City government programs are well-funded. When community members are in need, they take advantage of the city's poverty, drug, medical, and mental health outreach offerings. If a Liberaltown citizen is wronged, he is likely to file complaints or seek legal redress.

Recently, several tourists from Republicana visited Liberaltown.

"Creepy," said Bob, a Christian charity worker. "And very unwelcoming. In a restaurant, the people across from us mocked us when we prayed quietly before starting our meals. Is that their so-called tolerance?"

"Not creepy for me, but too noisy," said Wendy, a mother of four. "I felt overwhelmed. I wouldn't want to raise my children here."

But one visitor, Jonathan, felt more at home in Liberaltown than in Republicana.

Months ago, Jonathan returned from a Christian outreach trip to Japan, where he had met his future wife, Hoshi. They returned to Republicana intending to build a life together, but received a chilly welcome. In Liberaltown, Jonathan found people accepting of Hoshi, whose English was still imperfect. In fact, several Japanese Liberaltowners befriended Hoshi and promised to help her with the language.

Jonathan and Hoshi are making plans to move.

A QUESTION OF ETHICS: HEAD OR GUT?

Last week Jonathan Haidt, an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia, published the results of a study he conducted entitled "What Makes People Vote Republican?"

His was not an analysis of why people are choosing McCain over Obama, but, rather, why conservatives have such different moral codes than do liberals.

Though Haidt waded into the philosophies of Emile Durkheim and John Stuart Mill, and explored religious tenets, his findings actually were very simple: conservatives make "gut" decisions; liberals make "head" decisions.

Huh?

To illustrate this, here is a test where you can determine whether you hold conservative or liberal values:

The following scenarios involve individuals destroying an American flag. Which (any or all) of these people deserve punishment, in your opinion? And if any or all do, what should the penalty be? Lastly, monitor how you feel (e.g., upset, afraid) when you read each scenario.

(1) A Muslim protester at a campaign rally screams obscenities at a politician and burns an American flag;

(2) Two college freshmen burn a flag in front of a ROTC building;

(3) An elderly woman with dementia cuts up an American flag that she finds in a storage bin;

(4) Your six year old nephew finds your paintball gun and uses the flag as a target. It is splattered and ruined;

(5) A New Guinea tribesman who has never seen an American flag before, and does not know what it is, cuts one up and creates a war costume from it.

"Gut" moralists feel great distress at the flag's desecration. In the extreme, a gut moralist will demand penalties for all who harm the nation's symbol, for they will feel this action is "wrong." "Head" moralists may concede that these scenarios are upsetting, but will ask themselves "what is the harm?" "Who is hurt?" And if they find nothing, they will conclude that no penalty be imposed upon those in the scenarios.

And then there are people who are "gut/head" moralists. They may have a very strong reaction to Scenario 1 (and possibly Scenario 2), and urge penalties against those whom they may fear or dislike, and who have knowingly destroyed a precious national symbol.

Haidt found that social conservatives have more moral requirements for their ideal society. A liberal society operates on two virtues: doing no harm to others and being fair. A conservative society operates not only upon these no harm and fairness rules, but with additional codes for ingroup loyalty (doing what the majority deems right), authority/respect (adhering to long-standing social rules), and purity/sanctity (doing what is considered by the majority as virtuous).

Haidt, who had begun his investigations with a liberal bent, concluded that he had greater respect, understanding, and even empathy for conservative tradition: "Conservatives think that welfare programs and feminism increase rates of single motherhood and weaken the traditional social structures that compel men to support their own children? Hmm, that may be true, even if there are also many good effects of liberating women from dependence on men. " [Ironically, reading that last sentence may cause a "gut" reaction for many "head" moralists].

But here are two issues not touched upon in Haidt's study: taboos; and the fundamentally irreconcilable languages of conservatives and liberals.

Taboos are social prohibitions that elicit strong "gut" reactions. These tend to be against harmful acts such as murder, certain sexual activities, gender role behavior, and even body functions. Many anthropologists and psychologists (including Freud) believe that our species is "hard-wired" for these taboos: they are instincts.

When we have gut reactions, we are reacting with our limbic system, our most primitive brain formation, which provokes powerful emotions and processes instincts. When we have "head" reactions, we are thinking with our prefrontal cortex, which processes information far more slowly than does the limbic system, and without the limbic system's emotional power. Gut moralists feel so strongly about issues, they may not want or be able to listen to opposing perspectives. Head moralists think so strongly about issues, they do not want to rely on intangible feelings that could sway their beliefs.

Returning to Haidt's study, this is why conservatives and liberals cannot discuss and resolve differences. They speak different languages. Their perspectives are not reconcilable. Optimally, they require two different and separate societies to function peaceably.

Haidt had concluded that the only way for liberals to sway conservatives was to invoke conservative social virtues (ingroup/loyalty, authority/respect, sanctity/purity) when making arguments. But I believe this will prove unsuccessful if it is not authentic, not truthful.

Conservatives will have a gut instinct that they are being manipulated. And liberals who attempt the ruse -- for that is what it is -- will have "head realizations" that they aren't quite as tricky as they'd like to believe.

Disclaimer: The foregoing was written by a John Stuart Mill adherent.

SOURCE:

http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/haidt08/haidt08_index.html

"ASK OOGA-BOOGA" or WHY YOU DON'T WANT A 100% ACCURATE PSYCHIC READER

Ask Ooga Booga (tm)(c)(patent pending)(a subchapter S corporation) is the United States' most accurate psychic. She has appeared on Frontline, Meet the Press, Dynasty, All My Children, Pimp My Crib, Dancing with the Stars, and Gardening with Letitia Popkin.

Her famous clients include nearly all A-list Hollywood actors, most Olympic gold medalists, and the House Judiciary Committee. She has active contractual agreements with the ghosts of Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe to exclusively channel through her, and performs levitation, water-walking, astral travel, and most of Harry Potter's spells.

Ask Ooga Booga (tm)(c)(patent pending)(a subchapter S corporation) normally charges $99/min., but has generously agreed to give three brief public readings today.

Ask Ooga Booga: Okay, bring the next one.

Mary from Toronto: Hi Ooga --

Ask Ooga Booga: It's Mrs. Booga.

Mary from Toronto: I'd like to find out when Peter will call me. It's been three we--

Ask Ooga Booga: He'll call you Friday afternoon at 2:14pm.

Mary from Toronto: That's three days from now! I can't wait that long.

Ask Ooga Booga: Abracadabra. Poof. He'll call you in twelve minutes to tell you to stop text-messaging him and sending nudie photos to his wife's email address. He will say, "Sugarpoopie, please cut this out! Sugarpoopie, you're giving me a breakdown!"

Dave from New York: Hi, this is Dave from New York. I have a business question.

Ask Ooga Booga: Sorry, that tax shelter is going to be disallowed, and you're going to receive an $89,450.03 tax bill from the IRS in eighteen days. Fortunately, you can pay it with the money you're hiding in the Cayman Islands.

Jean from Los Angeles: When will I meet my soulmate, get married, and have the perfect life I'm entitled to?

Ask Ooga Booga: In eighteen months you'll meet Bradley. The two of you will cohabit for two years, then fight because he won't consider marriage. You'll break up on September 17, 2011 at 11:55am.

Jean from Los Angeles: No! This is terrible. Can't this be changed?

Ask Ooga Booga: Abracadabra. Poof. You reconcile after the fight and stay married for the rest of your lives. You tolerate Bradley's philandering and miss meeting Paul, a caring, faithful man who would have come after Bradley.

Jean from Los Angeles: Wait! Paul is my soulmate, my twinflame, and eternal love. He is the one I need to meet right now.

Ask Ooga Booga: Abracadabra. Poof. Tomorrow you will meet Paul and his current girlfriend, Elizabeth.

... And that wraps up this special presentation by Ask Ooga Booga(tm)(c)(patent pending)(a subchapter S corporation).

Ask Ooga Booga is the world's ONLY 100% accurate psychic. She knows your future and can change it at will.

Ready for a session with her?

EXPAND YOUR MIND, SHRINK YOUR BODY

What if you could lose weight, look better, and feel healthier simply by changing your thoughts?

Though this sounds like New Age hoodoo, a study by Harvard psychologists Alia Crum and Ellen Langer demonstrated that our minds can accomplish the same feats as personal trainers and dietitians.

For their study, Crum and Langer recruited 84 maids at seven hotels who cleaned an average of 15 rooms and performed a half hour of walking, pushing, lifting, and carrying daily. The women reported that they led sedentary lifestyles, and 37% said they did not exercise at all. Crum and Langer measured the women's weight, body fat, body mass index, waist-to-hip ratio, and blood pressure, then divided them into two groups.

For the first group, Crum and Langer gave an hour presentation demonstrating that, during hotel work, the maids performed exercises that exceeded active lifestyle recommendations. The researchers then distributed fliers to this group showing how many calories they burned during their daily activities, such as vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms. They also posted reminders about the women's healthy lifestyles in their hotel lounges. However, for the second group, Crum and Langer gave no information whatsoever about their activities' health benefits.

One month later, Crum and Langer re-measured the 84 participants. The maids in the first group, who had been educated about the fitness benefits of their work activities, showed improvements in every area: an average weight loss of two pounds; reductions in body fat, body mass index, and waist-to-hip ratio; and an average 10-point drop in systolic blood pressure. The maids also reported that they believed they were "more active" than they had been prior to the study's inception. The second group, which received no fitness education, did not show any changes in their measurements, and reported, as they had at the study's onset, that they maintained sedentary lifestyles.

Langer, who has devoted her research to "mindfulness," believes that the study's lesson is "it's about noticing new things; it's about engagement." The act of awareness can change our minds as well as our physical state.

Two older studies seem to confirm the Harvard psychologists' findings. One study of 7,000 adults revealed that their perceived health was a more accurate predictor of longevity than their actual health. A second study of seniors found that, regardless of their actual health status, those who viewed themselves in poor health were six times more likely to die than those who considered themselves fit.

So if you yearn to lose weight, feel better, and become more fit, focus on the healthy behaviors you perform each day. Believe yourself to be fit, trim, and energetic. Post motivational reminders about your home and workplace.

In other words, expand your mind. Shrink your body.

SOURCES:

Goldacre, Ben, Healthy Mind, Healthy Body, http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2008/aug/23/health

Shea, Christopher, Mindful Exercise, http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/09/magazine/09mindfulexercise.html?ex=1354856400&en=a9fbeedf32447d0f&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all</i></p>

10 CLUES THAT YOUR GUY IS CHEATING

1. There is a naked woman in his bed.

2. His French maid Nanette has no housekeeping skills.

3. His screensaver is a photo of your best friend in a thong bikini.

4. His shirts reek of JLo Glow perfume, and there's a brassiere in his dresser. He says he is experimenting with transvestism.

5. Foxy Vixen Escorts is #2 on his speed dialer.

6. He's featured in the latest eHarmony commercial with "Lisa" who's supposedly his lesbian roommate.

7. His secretary is a former pole dancer named Trixie.

8. He starts asking strange hypothetical questions such as "if you found out I was married, would you get mad?"

9. His neighbor Peggy has phone sex with him while you're watching "Desperate Housewives."

10. He goes to the store for groceries, and comes back a week later tanned, rested, and wearing a Hawaiian lei.

RUNAWAY BRAIN SYNDROME

Runaway Brain Syndrome is a non-medical affliction striking thousands of women daily.

Do you recognize the symptoms in the scenarios below?

CASE #1: Mary meets Todd for the first time after 10 heated email changes on Match.com. They have lunch together and chat for two hours.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Mary concludes Todd is the man she will marry. They have everything in common. He's the perfect man. Mary can't concentrate on work, for her mind is flooded with images of their wedding, honeymoon, four children, and 50th anniversary celebration (when they hold hands on the porch and exchange "I Love You's")

REALITY CHECK: Todd tells friends that Mary is very nice, and perhaps he'll date her a second time.

CASE #2: Gina is besieged by money problems. Her state lottery is paying $18,245,604 this month. Gina buys three "lucky" lottery tickets.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Gina passes the day imagining how she will spend the $18 million. She is already growing angry about the huge tax payment she'll have to make after opting for a lump sum payout. She smiles thinking about how envious Toni and Sally will be when she buys a seaside mansion and a yacht.

REALITY CHECK: Gina doesn't win anything. And her bills keep mounting.

CASE #3: Lana is still obsessed with Mick, her ex. She visits his MySpace page several times daily. One morning she discovers that Mick has posted a photo of a sexy girl named Wendy, and the two are exchanging flirtations.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Lana calls in sick to work because she knows that Mick and Wendy have fallen in love, are having sex twice daily, will get married, and have several children soon.

REALITY CHECK: Wendy is using a photoshopped picture of herself on MySpace. She and Nick have never met in person and never will.

CASE #4: Rianna has been having headaches every day upon awakening.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Rianna googles "headache" and "symptoms" and hyperventilates when she realizes she must have brain cancer or two incredibly fast-growing rare tumors on both sides of her head.

REALITY CHECK: Rianna's primary care physician tells Rianna she has a tension headache, and recommends she take a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory (NSAID).

CASE #5: Nancy feels bulky, for she's retaining water due to PMS. She looks in the mirror and discovers that she's puffy.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Excerpts from Nancy's journal... "I am the fattest, ugliest person alive. I am not going to eat for at least five days. I don't even think I can face my friends looking like this, so I'll have to cancel the party on Friday. Maybe I should cut work, too, because clients will recoil in shock when they see me."

REALITY CHECK: If Nancy ventures outside, she'll find that no one notices anything unusual about her appearance.

CASE #6: Veronica and Louis have been married for three years. Recently, they've had a series of bad fights over money, conflicting schedules, and chores. One evening, during a particularly contentious fight, Louis says, "I can't take this anymore," and drives off.

RUNAWAY BRAIN ATTACK: Veronica panics. Hyperventilating, she phones four friends to say that Louis has left her. She envisions a terrible divorce, homelessness, forced celibacy for several years, and a wedding invitation from Louis after he meets and falls in love with a former Miss Universe. She cries when she wonders who'll get custody of TacoBell, their beloved Chihuahua.

REALITY CHECK: Louis is about three miles away at a neighborhood bar watching a baseball game. He just couldn't continue the argument with Veronica and needed some time to himself.

If you or a loved one suffers from Runaway Brain Syndrome (RBS), know that the affliction is curable. During an RBS crisis, contact a level-headed friend, family member or counselor who can gently dissuade you from the crushing RBS fantasies. Listen to music, dance, and find diversions to stop an RBS episode as soon as you feel it come on. Reason with yourself.

Perhaps one day there will be RBS Anonymous chapters for long-term sufferers.

Until then, men and women must work very hard to help banish this terrible, distracting affliction.

COWERING AT THE TABLE: Why Women Don't Negotiate

It's a commonly-voiced workplace gripe: women earn only 80% of what men earn. But why has this remained constant over two decades?

A plethora of studies attributes the disparity to two factors: gender discrimination and the fact that, on average, women work fewer lifetime hours than men, due to child-rearing obligations.

But researcher Linda Babcock suggests another cause for the wage difference: women are crummy negotiators.

The Facts. Before you bridle at this seemingly sexist statement, consider some findings that Babcock and co-author Sara Laschever report in their book, Women Don't Ask: Negotiations and the Gender Divide":

* Men initiate negotiations four times more often than do women;

* Men compare negotiations to "winning a ballgame" and engaging in a "wrestling match." Women liken negotiations to "going to the dentist."

* Women are willing to pay as much as $1,353 to avoid negotiating the price of a car;

* When women do negotiate, they ask for 30% less than men.

Why It Happens. Babcock believes that genetics and socialization cause these differences. But a Carnegie Mellon study found that women may have reason to loathe deal-making. In the study, women who negotiate were subtly penalized by both men and women who viewed them as "less nice." Men also expressed a preference to work with non-negotiating women rather than negotiators, but did not have the same bias against men who struck deals. The study concluded that women have an "entirely reasonable and accurate view" of how they may be treated if they negotiate confidently.

What to Do. So what is the best strategy for women? To toil silently, invisibly, hoping for the best? Or to don a Pro Wrestling costume and body-slam the boss for a raise, even if coworkers begin invoking the "b" word?

Shrewd negotiation is the wisest tactic.

Employers expect to negotiate salaries, so typically offer less than they're prepared to pay. When a woman avoids negotiation, she turns away thousands of dollars she otherwise could have earned. Unfortunately, surveys have shown that women are often so pleased to receive a job offer that they decline to negotiate salary. And Babock reports that, over a career lifetime, women who fail to negotiate salaries earn $1 million less than women who regularly negotiate their wages.

Additionally, men are far more likely to aggressively take steps to enhance their careers. They request prestigious assignments, volunteer for high-profile opportunities, and ask for raises and promotions, while women report that they hope by working hard and providing quality contributions, they will be noticed and rewarded. Yet this is rarely so.

Benefits for women who negotiate wisely will be many: higher pay, more promotions, better visibility, and increased confidence, to name a few.

Take the chance. Step up to the bargaining table. Beforehand, strategize and practice negotiating. There's a huge amount to gain, and very little to lose.

SOURCES:

Babcock, Linda, http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/TakeControlOfYourLife/story?id=3649801&page=1

Babcock, Linda, et al., Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide, http://www.womendontask.com/stats.html

Vedantam, Shankar, Salary, Gender, and the Social Cost of Haggling, http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/29/AR2007072900827

THE $6 MILLION ATHLETE

What if we let athletes do whatever they wanted to excel?

This was the controversial question posed by New York Times writer John Tierney on Monday, that is sparking great debate. He argues that policing athletes' drug, hormone, and gene-doping has become an impossible task, and that "natural" athletes, untainted by enhancements, are increasingly rare. So perhaps athletic contests should be open to all, and testing should cease.

But what will this mean to sport competition?

An incredible blurring of performance and technology.

With the explosion of new medical innovations, performance-enhancing pharmaceuticals, and genetic therapies, elite athletes can become super-athletes. Both genders can take testosterone to increase strength. They can ingest drugs like Aicar and GW516 for increased stamina, and take hormones like erythropoietin and anabolic steroids such as THG for enhanced performance. Some athletes already insert genes into their DNA for more muscularity and endurance.

And additional challenges are arising. A double-amputee athlete gained permission from the International Association of Athletic Federations to compete in the Olympics, using carbon fiber prosthetics. Though the runner failed to qualify, the IAAF's approval has caused great speculation: will future athletes eventually be able to compete with artificially-enhanced joints, bones, and muscles?

Never before in history have we been forced to ponder these questions. As Tierney notes, today's sports authorities cannot adequately test athletes for "doping": they'll catch some "cheats," but miss myriad others.

Should competitions, then, be based simply on performance alone, allowing athletes to do whatever they wish to their bodies, even if some "preparative therapies" such as steroid ingestion are dangerous? Should the committees abandon their testing, and allow for a trend of $6 million athletes, robo-athletes, and pharmaceutical super-performers?

If we are struggling to find answers to these questions, it is because scientific advances and sport demands are running wild. What is our responsibility? If we want to watch weightlifters heave 1000 pounds without breaking a sweat, runners fly down tracks faster than cheetahs to break two-minute mile records, and female robo-gymnasts spring 20' in the air for quintuple backflips, we must say yes to all enhancements.

The purists among us, who want competitions to include only "natural" athletes, may be futilely wishing for the return of a past that is already dead.

Witness the 1976 Olympic "Perfect 10" balance beam performance by Nadia Comeneci:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4n0x1hijHE

Contrast this to Shawn Johnson's Olympic trial balance beam performance earlier this year:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qQq9lhNwHA

Could Comeneci even have qualified for the Beijing Olympics?

As demonstrated by these videos, during the past three decades, demands for athletic prowess have skyrocketed.

There are no easy answers here. But if we are excited by today's leaps and bounds in athletic achievement, and we crave more -- faster, stronger, higher -- we may have to accept that those who strive for greatness will do anything and everything it takes to get there.

SOURCES:

Robinson, et al., Olympic Dream Stays Alive on Artificial Legs, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/17/sports/olympics/17runner.html

Tierney, John, Let the Games be Doped, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/12/science/12tier.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Wikipedia, Doping, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doping_(sport)

A COMPENDIUM OF UNIVERSAL LAWS

LAURA'S LAW: No child throws up in the bathroom.

CORCORONI'S LAWS OF TRANSPORTATION:

1. The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.

2. The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the weather.

3. The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.

4. Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.

BAKER'S LAW OF AGING: When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

BARRETT'S DRIVING LAW: The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

BAKER'S LAW OF COMPANIONSHIP: Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

PREUDHOMME'S LAW OF WINDOW-CLEANING: It's on the other side.

JONES' LAW: The man who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame them on.

MATHIS' LAW: It is bad luck to be superstitious.

BORSTELMANN'S RULE: If everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE: The probability of a man meeting a desirable, receptive female increases with pyramidal progression when he is in the company of : 1) a date; 2) his wife; or 3) a richer, better-looking male friend.

LOVE'S LAW: When a man's wife finally understands him, she usually stops listening to him.

SLICK'S LAW: There are two types of dirt -- the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

CANNON'S COMMENT: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you got a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

LAW OF THE THEATER: People whose seats are in the middle of the row arrive last... and late.

LAW OF THE COFFEE: When you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, the boss will give you a project to do that will last until the coffee is ice-cold.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THE GYM LOCKERS: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

ASTROLOGY'S LAW: It's always the wrong time of the month.

FOURTEENTH COROLLARY OF ATWOOD'S GENERAL LAW OF DYNAMIC NEGATIVES: No books are lost through lending except those you really want to keep.

ARMY'S LAW: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, pick it up. If you can't pick it up, paint it.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

BOOB'S LAW: The lost item will be in the last place you look.

LAW OF THE DOCTOR: If you are sick and make an appointment to see a doctor, by the time you see the doctor, you will feel better. If you are sick and don't make an appointment, you will stay sick.

SOURCES:

Beyond Murphy, Laws of Life, http://sacredcowcrossing.blogspot.com/2007/08/beyond-murphy-laws-of-life.html

Murphy's Law, http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/9_6.html

Murphy's Laws and Corollaries, http://roso.epfl.ch/dm/murphy.html

DIET LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

When we yearn to lose pounds, we often lie to ourselves that there are quick, easy shortcuts to weight loss. These lies not only prevent permanent, sustainable weight loss, but may end up causing us to gain weight and lose hope.

Here are a few of the most common lies we tell ourselves about dieting:

I'll skip breakfast to lose weight.

Big mistake. Research show that people who skip breakfast and eat meals later in the day, are heavier on average than those who eat healthy breakfasts and then "graze" every few hours. Each day, try to eat a healthy breakfast within one hour of awakening.

I'll cut out all fats. That'll do it.

Though fats are twice as fattening as carbs or protein, they provide a sense of fullness, add flavor to meals, and prevent your stomach from emptying too quickly. If you eliminate fats from your diet, you'll be hungrier and end up eating more food.

Sigh... Okay, then I'll stop eating carbs. They're the bad guys.

You need to eat well-balanced meals of protein, carbohydrates, and fats. Eating less than 130 grams of carbs daily can lead to a buildup of ketones in your blood, which can put you at risk for gout (joint swelling) and kidney stones. Unprocessed carbohydrates such as whole grains trigger feelings of satiety (fullness), so they are healthier to eat than processed carbohydrates that are high in sugar and white flour, such as white rice. Don't give up carbs -- you may end up eating more food. Just try to reduce your processed carb intake.

I'll starve myself to lose 20 lbs. before my sister's wedding, then I'll keep off the pounds.

You may lose weight quickly by fasting, but you'll likely regain those pounds later. Rapid weight loss is dangerous, as it can increase your risk for developing gallstones and cause heart rhythm irregularities that can be fatal. Instead, try monitoring caloric intake and increasing exercise. You can safely lose 1/2 to 2 pounds per week, and keep them off if you maintain this healthy lifestyle habit.

That model in the ad looks fantastic, so if I buy those "Magic SuperDiet Fatloss Pills" she's advertising, I'll lose all my excess weight and look like her, too.

You can bet that the model in the ad did not lose weight using the Magic SuperDiet Fatloss Pills that she's flogging. It's more likely she's got good genes, is an exercise fanatic, has had cosmetic surgery, and/or possibly has an eating disorder.

In 2002, the FTC reported that as many as 55% of weight loss ads contained false or unsupported claims. The most common false claims are: 1) that you can lose two or more pounds per week without reducing caloric intake or increasing physical activity; 2) that you can enjoy permanent weight loss from the product -- even if you eventually discontinue using it; 3) that the product can block fat and calorie absorption; 4) that you can lose three or more pounds per week safely, without medical supervision; 5) that you can lose weight by rubbing a product on your skin or wearing a product on your body; and 6) that you can lose weight in targeted body areas.

I'll "work off" that cheesecake slice with a little exercise afterwards.

That cheesecake slice you just ate will require a one-hour brisk walk to vanish calorically. Further, to lose one pound, you'd have to run 26 miles -- not something you're likely to do after a meal with friends. According to new USDA guidelines, you must exercise one hour daily at moderate-to-vigorous intensity just to maintain your current weight. So rather than attempting to live by an "eat this, then exercise it off" regimen, which will prove futile anyway, prudently moderate your caloric intake and exercise regularly.

So there's no quick fix?

Nope, afraid not. Weight loss is a goal that can be achieved through habitual lifestyle modification. Increase your physical activity. Safely, wisely reduce caloric intake. Eat healthy foods. Have small meals every five hours.

Follow these guidelines and slowly, surely, you'll lose that excess weight.

SOURCES:

Deception in Weight Loss Advertising Workshop, http://209.85.141.104/search?q=cache:sPpyo5j89dkJ:www.ftc.gov/os/2003/12/031209weightlossrpt.pdf+models+weight+loss+ads&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=6&gl=us

NDDK, Weight loss and nutrition myths: How much do you really know? http://win.niddk.nih.gov/publications/myths.htm

Schreck, Dave, Don't make dieting blunders: Avoid common mistakes and stay in the Zone, http://www.zonediet.com/tabid/130/itemid/519/Dont-make-dieting-blunders-Avoid-common-mistakes.aspx

Schreck, Dave, How to avoid four weight loss mistakes, http://www.zonediet.com/tabid/130/itemid/835/How-to-avoid-four-weightloss-mistakes.aspx

Ten weight loss myths that can ruin your diet, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13897378/

WHY YOU NEED A MASSAGE

As a society, we are touch-deprived.

We don't hug, hold a hand, or pat a shoulder, for fear our touch may be misconstrued or rejected.

But emotionally, physically, and spiritually, we need touch. A touch shows we are cared about; we are valued; we are connected to another soul. Physiologically, touch lowers blood pressure, and stimulates production of endorphins (the brain's natural painkillers) and oxytocin (a "feel good" hormone). And spiritually, touch is loving communication between souls.

Who Needs Touch? We all do. But particularly those of us who are:

* Alone

* In a bad or stagnant relationship

* Senior (because seniors have less social opportunities for touch interactions)

* Depressed

* Recovering from an illness

* Enduring chronic pain

* Grieving

* Under great stress

* Feeling bad about ourselves

* Recently rejected or hurt

* Bullied

* Alienated from family

* Anxious

* Angry

* Excluded

* Feeling unattractive

* Overwhelmed

Massage to the Rescue. Massage therapy is a form of healing touch with countless benefits. For 30 to 90 minutes, you luxuriate peacefully as a trained therapist soothes your aching muscles and revives your flagging spirits. During that time, as gentle music plays, you shut out the world and its problems, to go within. By massage's end, you feel rested, alert, and revitalized.

Massage Benefits. Beyond healing through touch, massage --

* expands blood vessels, improves circulation, increases blood to injuries, and bolsters red blood cell count (which is especially beneficial for those suffering from anemia);

* reduces waste products (such as lactic and carbonic acids) that build up in muscles and cause cramping, pain, and irritability;

* boosts the immune system;

* promotes quicker healing of soft tissue injuries;

* stimulates lymph flow, which speeds up elimination of waste and toxins, and reduces edema (swelling) in arms and legs;

* improves muscle tone, prevents muscular atrophy, and relaxes muscle spasms and tension;

* breaks up muscle fiber adhesions, stretches connective tissue, and reduces fibroid formation;

* lessens inflammation and joint swelling;

* stimulates kidney excretion of fluids, nitrogen, inorganic phosphorus, and salt;

* (according to some experts) aids in weight loss by bursting fat capsules in subcutaneous tissues.

Massage for Any Budget. No matter what your budget, you can afford a massage. Massage schools often offer free or low-cost student massages. Discount massage chains are present in most major cities. In certain cases, health insurance covers massage if it is medically prescribed. And some massage therapists will barter massages in exchange for needed goods or services.

Even if you must save and scrimp, try to get at least one massage each month.

Remind yourself: Massage is not a luxury, it's a body, mind, and soul-nourishing necessity.

SOURCES:

Effects of touch spread from hand to body, spirit, http://www.courierpress.com/news/2008/apr/14/effects-of-touch-spread-from-hand-to-body-spirit/

Beneficial effects of massage therapy, http://www.unitedmassagetherapists.com/orange-county-massage-benefits.html

HOW TO PREVENT A SHARK ATTACK - An Employee's Guide

1. If you see a large fin moving across the top of your cubicle, do not go closer to find out if it is plastic or real. Relocate to another cubicle and contact Human Resources.

2. If you are in the cafeteria lunch line, and a Great White Shark or Oceanic Whitetip cuts in front of you, remain calm and allow the shark to complete its purchase transaction.

3. Do not wear shiny jewelry at your desk during work hours. Jewelry reminds passing sharks of the sheen of fish scales.

4. There have been reports of tiger sharks congregating in the restrooms and playing pranks on unsuspecting employees in the stalls. If you see a large fin in the commode, please select another stall.

5. When returning to the parking lot at night, ask Mac, our security guard, to escort you to your vehicle. Mac is the friendly one-armed Irishman who greets you at the entrance each morning. Please do not ask him about blacktip reef sharks, for this will bring up unhappy memories for him.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

ABORIGINAL WISDOM

Aborigines, or Indigenous Australians, are the oldest surviving culture on earth. Their heritage dates back more than 40,000 years.

Throughout history, Aborigines have retained a deep spiritual connection to the Earth and its inhabitants.

To Aborigines, Earth is a sacred living entity whose geography -- rocks, rivers, mountains, and deserts -- possesses vibrational histories of all that occurs there. These histories can be "read" and revealed through Dreaming.

According to Aboriginal lore, during Creation or Dreamtime, Spiritual Ancestors rose from the Earth to form land, sky, sea, animals, and humans. The Ancestors instructed humans about how to behave, for humans are not superior to, nor separate from, other living things. One obligation of humans is to care for the Earth, for in the words of one Aboriginal chant, The land owns us, we don't own the land. We are a part of the land.

Dreamtime explains the origins of all things: how the Universe came to be, how humans arrived, and how events transpired. The Spiritual Ancestors remain alive in all living things, and their metaphysical powers can be tapped through rituals performed at sites where they once dwelled.

Time is fluent, to Aborigines. The past is as alive as when it first occurred. It can be experienced through Dreaming, a state of connectedness, outside time and space, that is somewhat similar to our nocturnal dreams. Dreaming brings insight from the past as well as foresight of the future. It is a magical state.

As our species faces mounting environmental challenges, we are called to revisit the great wisdom of our oldest culture which, for thousands of years, has known that our fate is irrevocably bound to the Earth. How we treat Her determines whether we will thrive or falter. This is a Metaphysical Law, known for millennia by the Aborigines. This is a lesson of Dreaming that we must urgently learn.

SOURCES:

Australian Dreamtime, http://www.crystalinks.com/dreamtime.html

Myths of the Aboriginal Dreamtime, http://www.astronomy.pomona.edu/archeo/australia/jennifer.sumner.aborigines/INDEX.HTM

Siasoco, Ricco, Aboriginal Australia, http://www.infoplease.com/spot/aboriginal1.html

Welcome Australia, Aboriginal Dreamtime, http://www.janesoceania.com/australia_aboriginal_dreamtime/index1.htm

Wikipedia, Indigenous Aborigines, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigenous_Australians

IS OBSESSIVE LOVE A FORM OF OCD?

There is no psychological state quite as heady or painful as obsessive love.

In the early stages of obsessive love, or infatuation, we feel exuberance, mood swings, craving, and heightened awareness. The world is a stage for our passions. And there is only one individual amongst 6 billion who can make us happy.

But if the love ends -- or is not reciprocated -- our worlds flip upside down, and our minds turn traitorous. We struggle with intense longing, depression, frustration, and distress. We crash as though plummeting off a wild narcotic trip.

What causes these radical mood changes? And for those who remain painfully obsessed, is there a way to control them?

Though psychologists have studied love in its various forms for decades, scientists have only recently attempted to examine the neurochemical changes that occur with love.

Falling in Love. The heady exuberance, elation, increased energy, and fixation we feel when newly in love is triggered by increased dopamine and norepinephrine activity in the "reward and pleasure" areas of our brains, the ventral tegmental and caudate nucleus. Nerve growth factor (NGF) levels increase, too, which serve to protect and stimulate nerve cells.

Additionally, and perhaps most significantly, serotonin levels drop precipitously. One Italian research team found that serotonin levels for people newly in love were 40% lower than those of "normal" control subjects, but were the same as for individuals diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Happily Ever After... Or Not. The high dopamine levels of eager new lovers who transition into happy monogamous relationships eventually decline. With this comes a lessening of that "romantic high" experienced in the first few months of the union. But concurrently, levels of oxytocin, a hormone promoting feelings of connectedness, increase for the couple. One research study showed that when oxytocin receptors are blocked in rodents, the animals fail to form monogamous attachments and roam instead.

But for those whose love is unrequited, serotonin levels may remain low, provoking continued feelings of obsession, craving, and frustration.

Is there a remedy for this?

Cures for the Cravings. Helen Fisher, PhD, a renowned anthropologist and leading researcher in human sexuality, believes that Prozac and other serotonin-enhancing drugs blunt emotions and suppress romantic feelings. These anti-depressants may reduce the suffering experienced by those who have been rejected or deeply hurt in love.

But Fisher also cautions that serotonin-enhancing anti-depressants possibly can decrease love feelings between partners in healthy relationships.

The Future. What else may be on the pharmaceutical horizon for the broken-hearted? Suggestions include "crush patches" which could release phenylalanine, an amino acid that has anti-depressant effects; and drugs to increase pineal gland production of melatonin and vasotocin, two biochemicals that may lessen romantic feelings.

Would the eventual remedying of unrequited love through drugs be a bad thing?

Responded one wag at halfbakery.com: "The only negative effect that immediately comes to mind is that poets and songwriters may have less material to work with."

SOURCES:

Anti-Unrequited Love Drug, http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Anti-unrequited-love_20drug

Crush Patches, http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Crush_20Patches

Emanuele, E., et al., Raised plasma nerve growth factor levels associated with early-stage romantic love, http://www.biopsychiatry.com/lovengf.htm

Fisher, Helen, PhD, Do Sexual Side Effects of Most Antidepressants Jeopardize Romantic Love and Marriage? http://www.medscape.com/viewprogram/3201

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/482059_2

Marazziti, Z., et al., Alteration of the platelet serotonin transporter in romantic love, http://www.biopsychiatry.com/lovesero.htm

Shoja, Mohammed, et al., A cure for infatuation?: The potential ‘therapeutic’ role of pineal gland products such as melatonin and vasotocin in attenuating romantic love, http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6WN2-4MYFG27-1&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=c0dfa3b54361a5b5a81c6ad5a6f5e2b5

Slater, Lauren, True Love, http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/health-and-human-body/human-body/true-love.html