IS IT OK TO SAY ' I LOVE YOU' FIRST?
This question was posed to me after a caller, who shall be identified here as "Mickie", was wondering if my last blog about risking one's feelings, meant that one should go ahead and declare her love for the man who has captured her heart.. I thought she brought up a good point, and decided that today's comments would clarify the last message.
By risking feelings, as the blog discussed, the intent of that commentary was to heighten our consciousness about over-intellectualizing, justifying the acceptance of a mediocre situation, denying our intuition, not acknowledging our emotions, and sabotaging our own success all in an effort to avoid having to deal with feelings. It means never pretending you feel something you really don't in order to please someone else. This is a huge deterrant to intimacy, by the way, the very thing you are wanting to have .
It's not the feelings themselves that cause problems, but fear we're tryingto avoid by allowing them. Keep in mind that feelings are fleeting. None of them last indefinitely.
Now, back to the topic in the title. I would be very interested to know what experience any of you have had in declaring yur love first. Every single relationship expert and coach discourages this. General opinion is it's a bad idea.The reason is it frequently means different things to men than it does to women. When a woman says it, she is expressing her feelings only. When a man says it, typically he feels an action is supposed to accompany it somewhere down the line, like an engagement. So, if a woman says it first and the man is not yet ready for that kind of commitment, he usually ruins the moment, out of fear about what's expected of him.. In my own case, I made that mistake, one from which I am trying to spare you. After I declared myself, his response was," Hmmm,We're really good together'. ...This is not the response I was hoping for, and just between us girls, I made a mental note to never say that first to a man ever again...By the way, we're not together.
So to sum up, do not let your resistance to feel your emotions imprison you. Keep your heart open to others, and allow love to flow to you just as easily as you extend it.
But in terms of the age-old male/female dynamic, let him say "I love you" first.
ladies, care to share your esperiences with this? We could ALL benefit from a concensus.
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