BEING THE BEST THAT WE CAN BE

HOW TO BE THERE FOR HIM WITHOUT PUSHING HIM AWAY AT THE SAME TIME

Hi Ladies,

If you love your man so much it's
"driving you crazy," because you can't tell how he
truly feels about you and you're not getting your
needs for affection, attention and connection
taken care of, I can help.

If he was "hot" at the beginning of your
relationship and now he seems "casual" and almost
cold, you'll want to read the rest of what I am about to share with you-

    If your relationship is feeling so insecure and
unsteady that you can't think of anything but your
man and what HE might be thinking about your
relationship - I know how you feel and I can help.

    Even if we're normally steady-type women (where
we're always the one our girlfriends turn to when
they need advice) - loving a man who's hot and
cold can make any one of us obsessive, confused -
even depressed.

  Here's a conversation I had with"louisa" , who's feeling
completely bound up in her relationship and can't
get a big enough picture to see what's really
going on - I gave her  some help
to get back on her path to Happy Ever After and
the REAL man of her dreams:

Hi Desiree!,
It's been a week now since I heard from my
boyfriend and it's driving me crazy. I've stayed
with him 2 days a week for the past 2 months and
it is hard when you're laying in bed thinking
about someone you love and care about and he is
not there....

We've been seeing each other for over 9 months now
and I feel like if we did not have a connection we
should have been apart, but he told me we were
getting closer and every time he does he backs off.
His ex-girlfriend was bugging him and he told me
he told her to quit calling him. He told me he
chose me because I am always there for him and do
not go out and mess around on him.

I am confused right now - I don't know if we are
still going together or not. When he begged me
not to be mad at him - he said he would call me
later and maybe hook back up but never did. I have
not heard from him since.

He will not answer my phone calls or text me like
he normally does. He will not tell to leave him
alone - so he does not want to lose me completely.
We were looking for houses to rent. We were close
until we went camping last week and both of us
were too stressed...

I love him soo much it's driving me crazy. I am
the type of person that's got to make things right
and talk them out - I could not do that last week
the way I wanted to - he made me sooo mad. I sent
him a letter and told him he knew where I was if
he wanted to talk to me, that he would have to
call me and it's been a week. I haven't heard
anything and don't know what to think. He knows I
love him very much!!!

He has sooo many issues in his life he's dealing
with but I am there for him!! He will not find
anyone like me to take the time out for him and I
am a faithful person.

He told me I was not the problem - HE was. I am
trying not to let this get to me but it's very
hard when you love someone who makes you happy. I
am happy when I am with him always.

This whole thing is driving me crazy...friends
tell me give him time and space it will work out
...I hope they are right. What do the cards say is in store for us?

***Here's my answer, and a Tool to help you if you
ever find yourself in a similar situation:

 The problem is in all your GOOD qualities!

    "Being there for a man" is a great thing - but
it depends on what you're "there" for.

    If you're there when HE wants to talk, and you
hear him and give him the emotional support he
asks for, that's great.

    But if you run errands  for him, cook
him meals all the time because you think that's
the way to be there for him, and HELP him with  solutions to his
problems - that will only push him away.

    It has been this way with men since the
beginning of time.

    A woman who combines a maternal care-taking
quality with an always-there-for-you-sexually NO
MATTER HOW YOU TREAT ME or fulfill MY NEEDS
quality and a long-suffering, understanding "his
issues" quality - will ALWAYS be looked at by ANY
man as a "DOORMAT woman", a "disposable-tissue woman"
- a woman you dump when the hot girl who really IS
"hard-to-get" shows up.

    Sounds awful, and it's true.

    Even the best, most kind man, even the most
famous, wealthy and gorgeous man, even the most
quiet, brainiac man wants a woman he has to WORK
FOR - who - when he gets to her, is then "There
for him."

    No man wants a woman who PRESENTS herself to
him, as you've been doing, as an "I'm there for
you" woman.

    THE BEST WAY TO "BE THERE" FOR A MAN IS TO BE
THERE FOR YOURSELF.

    That means you have a life, you are not focused
on him, you are happy even when he's not there -
and most of all - if he can't or doesn't want to
work to make you happy by being there for YOU, as
well - you'll wish him well (without anger) and
allow another man to make you happy.

    This is not the same as "messing around."

    I know this is all easy to say.

    "Have confidence in yourself and don't get
needy around him," is  also easy to say.

    What we're doing here is actually getting this
going inside us - so we can DO THAT - so we can
radiate confidence and yet warmth and love - all
at the same time.

If you're "crazy about a man" in a way he's not

expressing to YOU - you're likely pushing him
away.

    The energy has to come FROM the man TO us.

    If it doesn't, he experiences it as a PUSH, and
he'll withdraw.

    I know how frustrating this is.

    You can't make a man give you energy.

    Trying to make him give you energy and love by
GIVING so much energy and love to HIM, as "louisa"
is doing, will only drive him away.

    I know it sounds unfair...but this is how it
works.

    That's why the game of "playing hard to get"
has ALWAYS been popular, and always worked (for a
short while at least).

    Louisa, what you have to do here is back up,
and get rid of this desperate quality of need
inside you - you just don't want him to pick up on
that "vibe."

    You have to find a way - by spending time and
energy doing other things that interest you, that
you feel passionate about - to simply ENJOY him
when he's there, and to be able to tell him
plainly that if he wants you all to himself you
need more "good boyfriend stuff" from him.

    There is no point to being in an exclusive
relationship where you don't see him often enough
or hear from him often enough.

    It's not a real relationship when you're not
feeling fulfilled and satisfied and secure.

    During this "feeling-out" dating stage of a
relationship, no matter how hard we try to make
it "real" in our minds - it's still only an
Imaginary Relationship.

    And the only thing trying to believe that an
Imaginary Relationship is a "Real" Relationship
will get you - is PAIN.

    For Louisa, 9 months should be PLENTY of time
for a relationship to turn REAL.

    So - do this for me - write some lists:

    Write a list about how you want this
relationship to look - how often you want to be
with each other, how often you want to talk by
phone, how you want it to look a few months down
the line.

    Then write a list about what HE wants.

    I'll bet the only thing on that list of his
would be: "I want to have a great time with you in
the moment and just see how it goes..."

    Well, how do we make that okay?

    And the answer is THERE IS NO WAY.

    THE MOMENT YOU GIVE UP WHAT YOU WANT FOR A MAN,
SO HE CAN HAVE WHAT HE WANTS, YOU LOSE.

    You lose his respect, you lose his passion, you
lose your power.

    So - how to get all that back?

    Take your list of how you want the relationship
to look - and see which of your items are
deal breakers, and which are just preferences.

    For instance "We go out to dinner twice a week"
is a preference, "I feel good about myself and our
relationship even when we're not together" is a
deal breaker.

    Now - once you have your list together, and
you've changed your life so it's not running
completely around him and you're not being "there"
for him like a mother or business partner or
sister or friend - by always being ready to spring
into action to help him or to be with him - sit
down and write some ways to express all this to
HIM.

    This "expressing my feelings to him" part is
where we all get ourselves into trouble.

    We either hold back and don't say what's on our
minds about how we feel, or we spew our feelings all
over him and as a result send him running for the nearest exit.

Narrow your expression down to   4 sentences.Men only hear in sound bites. When you have a letter that goes on for pages,he's done at the first paragraph. When you are expressing yourself verbally,he will only hear "blah, blah,blah" after a minute or two.So be concise and brief....and stop over-functioning in the relationship.It does not win you any points. It only shuts him down....

Published Saturday, June 21, 2008 7:57 AM by desiree93