Are You A Pursuer or a Pursuee?
Often I am told “I am the one who phones all the time”, “I am the one who always suggests doing things”, “I am putting all the effort in”. “Why doesn’t he/she ever make the first move”? “Don’t they want to be with me”?
Well take a step back a minute, why do they need to put in any effort? Why do THEY need to take the time to phone you? Why do THEY need to suggest doing anything? THEY DON’T because you are doing it all the time.
It’s no good wanting total control of the relationship and then complaining when you have it, it’s no good wanting them to take control of the relationship and then not stepping back so they can.
Make up your mind, are you the one who is chasing or do you want them to do the chasing, you can’t have it both ways.
If you what to be the one who chases, then you are going to have to put all the effort into it, that is what chasing is about. You will have to initiate the contact, you will have to set up the dates, you will have to make the decisions and you will have to continue doing this throughout the relationship because if you want to do the chasing you will attract people who don’t want to take the lead.
If you want to be the one who is chased, then you will have to learn patience, you cannot constantly phone, text or e-mail, you can’t constantly set up dates or make decisions within the relationship. You have to be subservient to a certain degree, because if you want to be chased you will attract people to you who want to be in charge.
A general rule of thumb I say to my clients who are complaining they put all the effort in to communication is this, your partner has to initiate and conduct two phone calls, or e-mails or text, then you can initiate and conduct one phone call, text or whatever. This way your partner feels they are doing the chasing and you don’t feel like you are putting in all the effort.
If however you want to be the one who is doing the chasing, then be prepared for phone calls, text etc to be initiated by you and not always reciprocated. You will have to be the one who takes the initiative most of the time, but be prepared for a few set backs, be prepared to feel you are the one putting in all the effort, because the reality is you will be.
Can you change from being the pursuer to being the pursuee and vice versa, yes you can but it has to be done slowly and only after the relationship has been established otherwise your partner will assume you weren’t showing your true colours to start with and they will move on.
So before you embark on a new relationship decide what you are, because that will be your role within the relationship for at least the first 4 months.
Blessings