Wonderland

About a month ago, my boyfriend and I were driving to his apartment, chatting about random stuff when a silly memory came back to me. I told him about the time I had met up with a couple of women for Thanksgiving out of town. We spent the day traveling from some small town in Indiana to Lexington, Kentucky to meet up with a bunch of people from all over. I didn’t feel like driving so I put my fate into the hands of a lady I had just met. Keep in mind, I was only about 20 years old at the time so I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Well, this one had a lead foot, big time! She drove my Neon (yeah, I know) an hour and a half at 110 miles per hour and I thought that was going to be the end of me. That drive was supposed to be a solid 3 hours. I thought to myself, “Damn, those were some good, fun times. I can’t believe I forgot about that!” What’s funny is that I can’t remember the ladies’ names, but the event is etched in my mind. I don’t know what triggered that visual. Maybe it’s the fact that Dave has a tendency to make quick stops and fast turns, who knows, but that memory brought upon an epiphany and a smile to my face.

When we’re in a place where nothing seems to be going right, we’re bored, lonely or just downright pissed, we can forget about those events that don’t feel special at the time. We don’t put any stock into them because we’re so focused on the negative for moments, months or even years and I’m guilty of allowing that to happen to myself many times and for a variety of reasons.

Again I’m here reflecting on where I’m at in my life now versus March last year. I do this fairly often, but this one feels much more profound since I’m in the midst of yet another major life change. For the record, that’s 2 in almost 2 years time for me. I’ve been a busy girl, that’s for sure. Well, I believe moving in with my boyfriend and his two daughters plus being pregnant with my first child is major because it’s definitely not the life I envisioned for myself prior to moving to Ohio. To be honest, I can’t remember the exact vision I had. I do, however, remember thinking that Ohio was just a pit stop on the path I thought I’d be traveling on. Not only was I wrong, but it turns out that I actually belong here. Who knew? Certainly not me.

First off, I really thought the people I was friends with when I moved here were going to be in my life for the long haul. WRONG! I thought it would take me at least a couple of years to find a relationship I wouldn’t sabotage (hey, I was being realistic). WRONG! I believed I wouldn’t ever be a part of or fit into a “white picket fence“ family. WRONG! Oh and let’s not forget the fact that I was NEVER going to get pregnant. WRONG AGAIN! I think you get the point. I was severely mistaken on all acounts and I feel stupid, in a good way.

I have to say that my relationship with Dave single handedly exposed my stupid shit and ripped off the final layer to the repulsive mask I’ve been sporting for quite some time now. That’s what happens when you are served the romantic partner that’s in your highest good. Believe me when I say that events in “your highest good” aren’t always fun and easy. It’s quite the opposite, actually. I have a nasty pattern of dumping guys around the 7 or 8 month mark. I had my little meltdown due to circumstances outside my control (and not his fault), but my body wouldn’t jump to the dump this time. I did the opposite of my natural pattern and ended up here. That’s how I knew where I belonged and with whom.

Someone once told me this, “If you want God to laugh, tell him your plans.” I did that and what I got in return was his middle finger in my face coupled with a super sized dose of happiness. Nice eh? If that’s what the middle finger represents then flip me off all you want God! I’m saying all of this in hindsight, of course. The truth is that I inadvertently manifested all I’m getting today by opening my big mouth and making hypothetical statements to different people while I was miserable, whether I was alone or in a relationship.

The biggest lesson I learned about manifesting this past year is that MAYBE and IF statements still count. It’s like I was telling the Universe that I was open to those possibilities, even though my mind was saying something else. Apparently I was lying to myself because I wouldn’t have used those terms if I didn’t really want those things to happen, deep down inside.

The same goes for fear based remarks. I was focused on NOT getting pregnant so much that I poured an excessive amount of energy into it. It was so bad that I think I drove Dave a bit crazy with checking those condoms and making it clear that I didn‘t want a baby. My paranoia (and perhaps some other important factors) told the Universe that getting pregnant was what needed to happen. I’ve always said that your fear is never the reality and I was right. Most of the negative things I thought I knew or was told about pregnancy did NOT happen to me. It’s been a very blissful time thus far and I know I’m very very lucky. Not everyone is blessed with what I’m experiencing, physically and emotionally. I’m super psyched to be a mommy, go figure.

It’s been a long way to happy for me and I’m extremely grateful for so much that the list could take years to recite. I have to give credit to those who have lead me to the life I have today starting with my crazy, dysfunctional family. I‘ll try to keep it short…

Thanks father for putting your bitch wife before your children. Your actions have showed me what to look for and what to avoid in a romantic partner. Your wife has taught me what not to be as a stepmother. If I didn’t experience her rein of terror, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do (and not to do) with my soon to be stepdaughters. I’m grateful to my mother in general. There are so many things to add, but I think I’ll just say it to her face.

To the new friends I made in Ohio and my people in Michigan, thanks for being here and being a part of my life. I thank you for every memory we’ve shared and look forward to creating many more. A special thanks to my clients. I appreciate you guys letting me into your lives and allowing me to do what I love most. To my new family, thanks for accepting me as I am. You guys have really changed the way I view my life and future. Finally and most importantly, to the folks who have left me and those I have walked away from, thanks for staying away.

Every single experience we have leads us to a choice. The choice to stay or to move forward. Moving away from a dream that has proven to be just that can hurt, but it’s necessary in order to enter the room of endless possibilities. I don’t know where I’d be if not for my desire and determination to be my true self. If I just stood there doing nothing, then I wouldn’t have been able to take part in the many joys life has to offer.

Another great epiphany I had recently is that my life wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, especially my childhood. I‘ve seen other people get dealt a hand I never could‘ve handled and I should‘ve been more thankful for what I had and experienced. Playing the victim does nothing but create more unnecessary bullshit and half the time it’s nothing but imaginary drama that leads to excessive sulking. Yeah, I did that.

This is me, Cristin exposed…