One of the greatest privileges of being an advisor, is that I hear the true stories of people in relationships. I believe we advisors are privy to the deepest secrets and truths that your best girlfriend, partner, or an acquaintance would never reveal to you. The truth is such; most of us, if not all of us have experiences in heartbreak, loss and guilt associated with relationships.

Many of my callers and friends ask themselves the same question: Why do my relationships fail?

This has been conveyed by poets, authors, artists and philosophers over the centuries. It seems the human condition is ubiquitous and transcends continents, culture and the evolution of mankind.

Think of it this way: The Advisor hears true accounts of relationships from people in complete confidence.. These are not simply people who are dysfunctional or codependent. My clients are perceptive, intelligent, and professional and have common complaints. Why did he leave me? What did I do to cause him to leave? Why is he not coming back? Why did he lie? Why did I let this go on for so long? When is this going to end?

I heard from a friend in Mozambique, Africa, who is writingto me and asking the same question right now. Why can’t I attract the right love? What is wrong with me? Will I ever find love? These are his major concerns in a poverty stricken country, barely surviving the ravages of civil war.

What I perceive, is that Love is a luxury, afforded by those who can take the time to
invest in themselves. One has to find love in oneself first to attain true love, and even then, many people struggle with relationships into their later years. Some people give up, and learn to enjoy life simply being, and they often remain content into their remaining years, choosing to concentrate on their passions, hopes and desires, without a life partner.

Even friendships can be challenging. In our society, friendships and relationships are meant to be illogically easy to attain. One thing I woke up to though, was that truly, only a few people in our lives, are reliable, stable and trustworthy. Often friends go through changes in their lives, that can reveal inconsistency, deception and callousness. Forgive those friends, because often these changes will bring about spiritual evolution in them. I have witnessed major change in people, through crisis, and hear stories about people, that would help you understand, that they learn from their lessons, and are able to transcend the past, and that reconciliation is possible.

In the West, we are so used to communication, media influences, and easy fixes,
that we are hypnotized into thinking that relationships, money and power are meant to be infallible.

I spoke to a woman in South Africa, about relationships. She is a single mother of a child – she  is very intelligent and has survived a tremendously challenging life. I asked her – “Do you have many friends”? 

She looked at me as if I were deranged, and said: “No! No ways! I only have my sister, and she looks after my son!”

It seems if we are to look at the bigger picture in life, sometimes survival and self protection is more valuable than friendships. After all, if one cannot protect oneself, how can one expect to make good, solid friendships that will stand up to time?

Let’s forget all about text messaging, email, the media, material attainment, and the myriad of illusions which beset our culture. Let’s try and remember that we are all essentially on our own…that it is up to us to fall in love with ourselves, and that the true goal is to marry our friends. And maybe one day, we can hope for a good relationship, which will keep us content within ourselves.

If you feel alone on Valentine’s Day – don’t despair. Remember what confessions advisors, counselors and psychologists hear every day – the insecurities, loneliness and fear that you feel, is felt by almost everyone – but as individuals, we tend to hide them, even from our closest friends, in order to appear strong to ourselves.

Let’s remember that self love is the most important aspect to our spiritual journey, and that once we have attained enlightenment of this degree, we will no longer be lonely.

Love to You All!

Carmen Miro Copyright 2008