This question confounds us all. How does one calm the feelings going back and forth in a relationship?
I would start by saying; this is NOT about changing who you are.
This is NOT about trying to change the relationship. This is about your outlook, and your perception of relationships.

An example of what I mean is this:

Carmen:  "Do you love me?"
G: "Of course….!"

 Carmen is not happy with what she has just heard. She has not actually ‘heard’ it. She is
hearing what she wants to. She asks, ‘am I loved’ and he answers ‘ Yes’ but if Carmen
had a bad experience before in a relationship, or if she had any family dynamics that may put her on the defence, she may not ‘hear’ it.

 What started off as an innocent question careens out of control if the person is insecure. It may have very little to do with that person’s answer is - G may love Carmen very much…but Carmen is actually looking for validation within HERSELF, not outside of herself.

This may start a bounce-back effect. Carmen is unhappy with the answer (within herself) and G senses it. He is now unhappy that his honest answer does not make her feel content. Being someone who likes to ‘fix’ a relationship in the most direct manner possible he is now confused. Carmen picks up his confusion and tells herself ‘See?! – He is not sure if he loves me!’

Does this sound familiar?

These are my recommendations:

A) Ask yourself why you need this validation. If you are a bottomless well, look into why you don’t feel deserving.

 B) Ask yourself why you turn his attention into something insecure. Are you sabotaging the Relationship? Are you scared? Do you feel worthy? What do you expect?

 If you have confirmed both A and B, then go about doing things that raise your self-esteem. This has NOTHING to do with him! If you are spending too much time looking into a relationship for a mirror onto yourself, you need to look at yourself again. Don’t let it become self-defeating by putting yourself down further. Now is the time to take control and ‘deal with it’.

 As a Reader I see the side of the world that others dare not tell their friends, their mother, or their priest, and I know that many of us have these self-defeating attitudes. Relationships are
the way to help us see why we love and don’t love ourselves.

 Much of this comes back to acceptance. So you are not perfect, but you can augment
what is close to perfection in you.

 This is the way to take the bounce-back effect down a notch. I don’t mean to say
meditation wont work, I don’t mean to say that you cannot ‘block’ these feelings.

Ideally though, by focusing on other areas in your life, and by getting to know yourself, this exercise will serve you in communicating well and feeling good around people but above all, you will continue loving yourself.  People will feel your confidence, feel your worthiness, and you will ‘hear’ the compliment. Carmen and G can now enjoy their exchange and be content in
their relationship.

So the next time he sais, "Yes I do love you!", take it at face value. Sometimes this feeling
of insecurity may be originating from you!

 It’s very important to align yourself with your spirit, and your desires…your partner
will feel that, and feel more in control, thus reducing the bounce-back effect.

 We have to be healthy and happy to BE in relationships!
( 'Be' in this context implies, 'just being' and sometimes 'just being' is a product of
being happy and healthy within oneself and spirit. - This by no way excludes those who don't have that combination right now ).

Copyright 2007 Carmen Miro