How does one get someone to make up their mind? You are both in each other’s thoughts, or in a relationship but there is no start or end point…how does one begin to understand or nurture a relationship at the point of limbo?
This issue arises out of multiple situations…how do you ‘change’ a person’s mind about letting you go or remaining with you?

How does one let go, if the other person has not moved on their decision making? Or, how does one get someone to comprehend that you are interested in them if they are stuck in a negative world view of relationships?

First off, to a degree, sometimes you are already locked into a dynamic, and this is causing mutual angst, which then ‘blocks’ any advancement in the decision making process….the person is either flaking out, or not interested in giving up a point of power they have so carefully nurtured? What results is often a slag in the dynamic, or a climactic end point, which leave neither party with resolution…

Firstly, the person aware of this ‘block’ has to begin by erecting boundaries. This can be done in small ways, not always huge overtures or demands, but by subtle communication and exchange. I will cite an example:

One of my clients has been seeing a young woman for some time now. She has had a very difficult past, and this makes it tough for her to create healthy attachments. It also prevents her from being assertive, and occasionally she will ‘fall in’ with the wrong men, due to this issue. She then overcompensates with the one man who does nurture her, by being defensive to this person.

This client created a space for her to feel comfort and peace in, but due to her abusive background, she created more problems, and tends to push him further away. It’s been proven that people in abusive situations will look for similar situations in their future, to compensate, because that is all they have been used to. When confronted with a ‘real’ relationship, or scenario that could offer them a good future, they may balk at this point, because it feels alien to them to be in a good situation, possibly due to their fear of eventual abandonment, after all maybe one can expect a relationship with someone who is bad for you to fail, thus giving the person a different but more comfortable security base, even if it seems erroneous, and this allows them to feel in control by being in a relationship that may fail, as they know the outcome in their hearts.

What my client suffers with greatly, is the ability to tune out of her emotional needs. He feels her pain, and feels her needs. He used to assume responsibility for this person, even though there is not much he could do to really help her. He is ‘empathically bound’.

Some points must be reiterated:

 1)      Even if a person loves you, their love does not equal follow through – so feeling       their  love may be genuine, but you may not ‘see’it - and thus their lack of follow through may   result as problematic as you may want to ‘fix’ the person ( codependence ) or because one enjoys the feeling of knowing they love you.

  2)   ACCEPT that they may love you, and ACCEPT this may not change. This is extremely important as it will free you from the cycle of  thinking you can fix this. Sometimes, some people are in their situations, just because they need to learn something, and you cannot prevent that from occurring. You cannot speed it along or change their world view.

  3)    Start looking for patterns in the relationship to attain a point of reliability. Even negative behavior has discernable patterns.

 

Is the pattern abusive or loving? This needs to be ascertained.

Is this person deliberately keeping this vague, because they don’t know better, or is it in reaction to certain visits, certain points in time?

What is the predominant pattern? Is it one of need? Is it one of defensiveness? Is it abusive?

All these categories are very different and need to be parsed, or separated, to be fully understood. Also, if one can feel a person’s pain, what is your part in this?

Do you enjoy connecting with this person emotionally, even if it is painful?

What in you craves this attention?

Pay attention to these details, and you may get an answer, without the much needed acknowledgement or conversation, just through behavioral patterns.

Sometimes, there may not even be an answer, and we may have to submit to that, and then, accept, and let go….accepting to let go is the hardest part, but in learning patterns, one recognizes that changes in the future, depending on the person’s personality type and their life experiences, may be hard, and we can also anticipate what their next ‘action’ or ‘inaction’ may be.

Often the other person will even empathically ‘detect’ that you are letting them ‘go’ to do their own thing, and resistance lessens. Or they will not be able to continuously over commit and then pull back, to give you the sense of their loving you, because they know it wont affect you as much. Now wouldn’t that be an improvement?

I would also really recommend creating a list for yourself of patterns this person seems to have. For example:

Monday: Had a nice visit, and good follow up text messages
Tuesday: Had a depressing talk because the person is back tracking on their last visit, for fear of feeling vulnerable
Wednesday: Didn’t talk all day.
Thursday: Had a nice visit, followed up by reassurance….
Friday: Didn’t hear from the person
Etc.

So if you can glean patterns over a period of time, you will start understanding the person’s weak points. Do visits followed up with too much comfort push them away?

Should one erect boundaries and not text back as enthusiastically? Then should one place a ban on too many visits, so that this person doesn’t feel pushed or the need to control the situation?

What my client did was, make leaving him for her easier. They both were having a hard time letting go, but she wanted to break out of her relationship cycle, and make a new future for herself, not dependent upon men or relationships… He offered up some furniture to help her on her move and settling her into a new home, thus allowing her to have more of a sense of control, not interdependence.

He also very clearly stated his need for independence and letting go, and coupled with good deeds, she wont be as defensive.

 I still have some hope that they will now be able to continue being friends in the very least, by his ACCEPTING her as she is, not ACCEPTING that his is something he created ( guilt and denial ), and ACCEPTING she may not be able to move past her abuse issues and finally ACCEPTING it as over even just for now.

 Just even the grand energetic expression of ACCEPTANCE will be felt by the other party, allowing for a calmer free flow of energy, which creates forgiveness, understanding, mutual expression, and hopefully, a new start for both of you, with or without each other.

 One cannot force a decision out of someone, but we can change the way we perceive their decision. If indeed we do care for this person we will be able to help them along their karmic path, which is a true expression of selfless love. This will create a life lasting bond, as opposed to the constant need for approval or disapproval. This relationship will be based on real trust, as your partner will sense your confidence, and they will gain the idea that you have confidence in yourself and in them, which is tantamount to the highest form of respect you can show someone, especially yourself.

At this point, empathic bonds should start releasing…remember, they are never EVER completely severed with anyone, but you can choose as to whether to listen to them or not. That will come with confidence and self esteem created through self control and boundary building.

 

Copyright Carmen Miro 2008