It seems silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it is more common than you think and is often the result of growing up in a household where love was either not consistent or was conditional, or simply the child was always trying to win the love and praise or affection from parents who were unavailable or abusive in some way and failed to nurture properly. Even overly spoiling a child and not setting clear and proper boundaries can give a child an ungrounded sense of self where they might not feel given proper love or attention. Usually, a person with unrequited love addiction has a combination of love addictions or may have other addictions as well (alcohol, sex, shopping, even psychics, etc etc).
According to love addiction anonymous sites on the web, the other love addictions are:
- obsessed love addicts: obsess and cant let go even if their partners are unavailable or abusive
- codependent love addiction: needy to please partner for sense of self
- narcissistic love addicts: take advantage of their partner and can act disinterested, selfish or abusive and yet still feel addicted to partner and can't let go
- ambivalent love addicts - which include unrequited love addictics/torch-bearers, sabotuers, seductive withholders, romance addicts: the goal is the avoidance of true deep emotional intimacy and bonding. These addicts crave love and affection but are afraid to get too close at the same time.
So, what happens is the child (well inner child of the adult) has this set belief inside that they are not really worthy of love. They also have this dynamic set up where they find themselves attracted to partners who mirror their parents or this issue. It may not always be a parent. Sometimes another sort of trauma or betrayal that happens to set this dynamic going, but it seems the inner child is trying to change the dynamic. Often, however, although the person feels not worthy of love on some level, they know they are worthy on another level so it becomes confusing to them why they stay addicted to someone unavailable. The relationship then becomes about avoidance, or a love-hate relationship ensues where the addict both loves and hates the object of their affection.
Unrequited love addicts are part of the category of Ambivalent Love Addicts which means that they deeply crave love, intimacy and affection and that unconditional love they are seeking, and at the same time they are afraid of it and can push it away or run away or hold it at a distance. It is safer this way to love someone who isnt fully there or who doesn't fully want a commitment. Picking partners who are married, unfaithful, distant, players, sabotuers, sex addicts, etc, acts to help them avoid a true relationship (the unconscious goal). They are in an unconscious way afraid to get really close to someone lest that someone see their unworthiness and reject them somehow. Its easier to get rejected from someone you know may never step up to the plate than to get involved in a real relationship and get really hurt.
So, how do you know if you are addicted to unrequited love? What are the symptoms? The below aren't all of them. You may want to search symptoms of love addiction on the net and will find the general symptoms of love addiction, but these are a few I would note for those who are addicted to unrequited love:
* Do you pine over or obsess over love interests who are not available in some way or who are married, playing you, who are "just friends", or have left you and you just can't move on (you might have simply "switch-hitted" from being a codependent or other love addict to an unrequited love addict/torchbearer)
* Do you fear communication or to let the person know your interest in them, feelings, and other basic questions for fear of rejection (cause you want to keep the addiction going and not push the person away)
* Do you suffer in silence while you hold adoration towards someone who doesnt really know? (some unrequited love addicts pursue their interests but some hold torches for people who they will not let themselves get close to or be revealed in any way)
* Do you expect your love interest to be psychic/empathic and just know and interpret your feelings and needs (ie. "he should just know, its obvious what I want and I shouldnt have to say anything, so why isnt he pursuing? Does he like me?"). Are you afraid to tell the person what you want and feel because on some level you know the other person is not wholey receptive and you have a feeling it will push them away.
* Can you never feel "close" in a real way to the person you are holding a torch for?
* Do you have other addictions (sex, codependency, alcohol etc)?
* Do you feel you cannot let go of the love interest even though it is not making you feel loved? Do feel powerless to stop at will.
* Do you feel withdrawal if you think of letting the addiction to your love interest go?
* Is the preoccupation with this interest having a more negative affect on you spiritually, financially and other ways than positive (you lose more than you gain and often feel it fills you with more doubt than faith)
* Do you in general think about love and relationships a lot? Or do you see a relationship or love as a necessity in life and being without it for long would be unbearable?
* Do you have a history of being hurt or obsessing on lack of love, attention or approval by a parent or other in your earlier life?
Generally, I would say if you have an "interest" who you crave but are afraid to reach out to in any real and genuine way for fear of rejection or that the person is just not into you and this is longstanding for some time, you might be addicted to unrequited love. Or, you may be addicted if there is an unlying knowing that expressing your wants and needs would not be appropriate or wanted by the other person and could upset things (or his life), then you are probably in the grips of an unrequited love addiction. I've talked to many clients who are totally engaged with these types of interests and having sex, or some form of relationship, but they know on some level there are certain things they wont or cannot ask or dare put forward cause the relationship is really a casual one though they want something more.
Here is an example of one kind of unrequited love addict (in combination with codependent and obsessed love addiction):
A woman starts to like an attractive man. They meet in a way and there is some flirting going on and the man seems interested to the woman, they might have even had sex. Information is exchanged but a whole bunch of mixed signals start to mark the relationship from there on (because ambivalent love addicts often attract other ambivalent love addicts). The woman starts obsessing and fantasizing about having a relationship with the man. However, the man won't make a clear move and she ends up doing the contacting most of the time, though acting casual cause she wants the man to make his interest known first. She is getting some cues of affection and indication of interest but its kept superficial and she is always unsure. This goes on for some time, sometimes months, and she start thinking in her head "does this guy really want a relationship or am I just casual or a "friend", but will never risk asking to find out. She starts asking advice from other friends who tell her to get out of it but she hangs on in hope he will ask for a real date or commitment or show he cares.
The other guy is simply not putting out vibe of wanting a full on relationship. However, she starts to fantasize that maybe he is just scared or insecure or will start to be more demonstrative or want something more if she can just hang in or never upset the status quo. She even wonders "should I say something or make a move", but something inside is telling her it's not safe to tell this person how she feels because they are not on the same page or ready to hear that so she withholds and keep holding on and holding a torch for this person. She finds out the guy starts to pursue someone else and is upset and feels betrayed. But still she has never had clear indication they are in a "relationship" (be it they have had sex or not).
What to do?
Often, I see the main theme running in these relationships is fear of true communication and risk to be vulnerable, exposed or rejected. Many times setting boundaries and learning communication would be what would be needed to either get out of the rut or to get closure but closure is considered painful and as rejection and to be avoided at all costs and with it true intimacy and relationship. Most unrequited love clients I work with have a shut down throat chakra. They may have been raised or learned through some experience that speaking feelings or needs is a burden on others, to be avoided, is weakness or something to be afraid of cause might cause confrontation or rejection. The only way out is through though. Problem is that the whole set up is used to avoid another hurt or rejection and in this one avoids true commitment, intimacy and bonding.
So, the first trick would be for the person to ask what they truly want from a relationship. What is their vision of how they want to be loved and committed to. Sometimes this step is hard in itself. They may be so used to just being and doing what everyone else wanted or in avoiding confrontation that it asking them to figure out what they want and need seems strange because all they ever wanted was to be able to conform to what someone else wanted and that was foremost on their minds.
Simply leaving an unrequited love may not solve the problem and may just transfer the love addiction from one of pursuing the unrequited love interest to holding a torch and suffering in silence while pinning after the loss. Because the love addict avoids closure and may be with another love addict that avoids closure they may be stuck, wondering if maybe this person is still missing them or thinking of them and it gives them hope for reconcilliation.
If communication is possible and asking for closure, this is the next step because it helps break the fantasy and though may be considered incredibly painful, it is the next step towards risking true intimacy and attracting the right relationship and breaking through all the fears that prevent it from coming. The whole idea of love addictions is the belief that without a love one is nothing, but this is not true, so if one can risk losing love and still seeing they are whole, then one can start going into relationships with sense of self as a sole identity which another can compliment rather than feeling another will complete them. Otherwise the person is in danger of just shifting from unrequited love addict to codependent or obsessed love addict.
It's the pattern that has to be changed and the fears of intimacy (getting to know someone deeply), commitment, communication, rejection, boundaries, and confrontation need to be challenged and faced. Love addicts can also seem like perpetual victims or truama junkies. So healing the need to be a victim is key too. Taking the risk to set boundaries, risk confrontation and rejection, to communicate ones wants and needs (and listening to anothers which this might be the real fear that it may not be what one wants to hear so is better to avoid all conversation) may seem overwhelming, but it is the only way out, as well as working on childhood issues which implanted some of these fears and patterns. However, sometimes you can be totally clear with another person what you want and they still give mixed signals cause they are ambivalent and you hang in cause your carrying a torch. Then the lesson is knowing when its time to stop voicing your needs and wants realizing they wont be met or cared for and to find someone who can meet them (which might actually be something scarey for a love addict).
I also recommend to start changing the view of love. There is something self-absorbed in all the withholding. It is focused on self, fear and self-protection instead of love or generosity and true interest in another person and their needs and feelings that one can extend. Love is about extending and exposing oneself in the face of rejection and providing a safe and open place for someone else to extend and expose themselves. If you can't take a risk to know anyone else or have them tell you their wants and needs even if they are not on the same page, how can you expect someone to care about yours?
Not all unrequited love addicts are afraid to state there wants, needs and boundaries, but what can happen is some are always stating needs and boundaries and the love interest doesnt acknowledge yet the love addict keeps trying and trying hoping the love interest will come to either care or be the one to offer closure, so, they are always asserting themselves and it become no-win argument.
There are many other tools that can be used to assist recovery from love addictions. Austrailian Bush Flower Essences has a "Relationship Essence" which contains the flower essences
Boab: helps bring change, helps clears negative core patterns that are rooted in family and which are inherited. Can also help clear negative lines of karma that exist between individuals and past life influence.
Bluebell: is for those who cut themselves off from their feelings and helps to open the heart and to disolve greed and rigidity. Emotions are present but withheld and there is even fear of expressing positive emotions such as joy and love, etc through operation of fear that there is just not enough and they can't survive if they let go of all they hold onto.
Bottlebrush: helps one to resolve mother issues and helps one embrace major life changes. It brushes away the past allowing individuals to move on and go forward.
Bush Gardenia: helps one to renew passion and interest in relationships. Helps with intimacy, and resolving where there is too much self-interest or lack of awareness in a partnership.
Dagger Hakea: Is for helping on to release resentments, bitterness and grudges.
Flannel Flower: is for those who fear emotional or physical intimacy, getting too close and who have a hard time maintaining personal boundaries. Helps one to garner trust to express ones innermost feelings.
Red Helmet Orchid: Helps for resolving father issues, probelms with confrontation or authority.
Red Suva Frangipani: Is for the rocky relationship that is challenged and is also for resolving deep sense of loss and sadness when a relationship is in trouble or has ended. Helps to heal that feeling of emotional rawness.
Wedding Bush: Is for issues with commitment to a relationship, job, goal etc. It can be used for individuals who tend to flit from one relationship to another, or for those who leave relationships when the crush phase or initial attraction has diminished.
EFT (emotional freedom technique) is also another tool that can help with love addictions. Please feel free to read my blogs on EFT.
Books on love addiction:
Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships. Susan Peabody (co-founder of LAA).
Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the Love Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships. Anne Schaef.
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. Pia Mellody.
Is It Love or is It Addiction? Brenda Schaeffer.
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person. Howard Halpern.
Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy. Stephanie Covington and Liana Beckett.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. Jed Diamond.
Love and Addiction. Stanton Peele.
Obsessive Love: When Passion Holds You Prisoner. Susan Forward.
Women Who Love Too Much. Robin Norwood.