A lot of the calls that I get are from people inlove with someone who frustrates the heck out of them and they just want to know if things change. Other calls are from people who have lost a love and want to know if they will get them back. Some are people in a relationship with someone who just can't emotionally or committedly be their for them. In the last category, some of these men/women might be lazy in love, some distracted, some players or those frightened of commitment or true intimacy... however some are just narcissists and are actually totally into you but are completely unable to give or show in the right way (even if they are charming and pursue you very ardently).
I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder after being told it was what someone close to me suffered from. I started looking up sites on the internet and reading books on the subject in an effort to come to terms with why I would never feel loved by them.
Everyone has some narcissism within them unless they have completely transcended there earthly selves. However there are traits that distinguish narcissism from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is more than just being egotistical, and is actually quite sad. The main trait of narcissistic personality disorder is a lack of empathy. While I have known narcissists who were psychic and who can pick up things about you or your feelings, its like they have no understanding or feeling towards it/you or ability to relate. It is merely matter of fact. They cannot feel for you. Not out of excessive cruelty, but because somewhere in life it became dangerous or not worth it to really tune into others and feel how they feel, or feel for what others around them want or need of them. Its a self protection mechanism.
I've had so many callers ask "When is he going to understand" or questions where they just want to know if things will ever shift and this person will start to "care". Often narcissists do feel they are caring (some can become obsessive over an love object)... caring because they are there, don't want to lose you, or because they tolerate all the things about you that bug them and dont dump you. They dont understand they are not "feeling" nor being sensitive to your wants, needs and thoughts. Its all about their wants, needs and feelings. Expecting a shift in all this, for one day them to start intimately caring about you (or "love" you one day), or thinking its because they don't love you or means something about you is totally unrealistic. They seem to be inlove with themselves, but its not really love but a fear of their own humanness. They are inlove with an ideal self of theirs. To love someone else truly, they would have to break down their own defenses within themselves and open their hearts. That risks too much vulnerability and they often cant even do this for themselves.
The main DSM-IV-TR criteria for diagnosing narcissistic disorder are:
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. strong sense of entitlement
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
9. arrogant effect
A few other characteristics can include a lack of humor. You rarely hear narcissists make jokes or be silly, though they might think of themselves as positive and upbeat. They are like big kids about 8 years old, but ones that arent really laughing as they play. Playing to them can be some form of exploitation of others or using others for gratification of their own needs (like some children will do being not emotionally developed yet) which they don't understand. The person I cared for who had NPD would have with teenage boys and women etc and write about it and leave it out for us to see and read, including her husband who was deeply hurt.
They also aren't good gift givers because they give you gifts you "should" want or what they want, rather than what you asked for. Another quality is that they rarely appologize or admit they were wrong when caught in lies, deceptions or after you express you were really hurt by them. Infact, they will often leave a discussion and then later go back to you expecting the issue dropped and refuse to discuss it (making it trivial), or they will turn things around to put the responsibility on you for the issue. But, it's more sad than something to get angry over, because they do this afraid of their own shadow and of being human.
Narcissists will rarely seek treatment but may imply you need it because you are not enough identifying with their needs and wants. You may be deemed "crazy" for have thoughts, feelings, and needs of your own or of them(which they feel you need to just drop or get rid of). Secretly, they dont really want you seeking treatment... because the therapist is an authority that can compete with them. Often narcissists have a hard time respecting other people in authority over them, be they doctors, therapists, etc because they have such a stong need to be in control and dominant. They are often unemotionally intollerant of others views, blaming, easily offended, needing to be right. But it's all so that they dont feel or internalize hurt or rejection.
Often narcissists can be easily taken advantage of themselves... because they are so preoccupied with their own agendas, needs and feelings they can't tune into others enough to know someone could pull a con on them. And, narcissists are often masters of being able to dish stuff out and not take it... All of the narcissistic charade is a defense against being hypersentive to criticism, rejection, shame, weakness.
Narcissists often are into name brands and appearances. Emotions come second. They dont ask how you feel... they tell you how to feel. They dont often ask about your day, your inner world. They dont discuss their dreams, visions, and realities nor inquire of others theirs. Discussions of what is wrong in a relationship revolve around the partner and what the partner needs to change in themselves rather than any improvement the narcissist could make.
They like if you are a "good" person in sense of being kind and easy to dominate/manipulate, but if you really talk to them about what they want in a relationship with you, you will hear superficial things. They rarely say things like that they want a partner to share and grow with, that they love you for things they can give rather than receive. Giving requires vulnerability which narcissists have a hard time with if such giving is truly connected to the heart and with knowing and feeling the needs of another person. Most people love others or want relationships not just to receive support, affection, protection, and security, but also to give it. They want to take care of YOU, make you feel safe and loved. Only with casanova type narcissists I think will some effort be made to please the woman, but I'm curious if it simply out of manipulation and need to be the perfect lover, to recieve sexual gratification, or have excessive admiration from all the women they seduce.
Most narcissists I feel are afraid of many things. They feel responsible, but are really afraid of commitment, of intimacy (going deeply with someone, listening to others feelings or even revealing any of their own - even though they may be preoccupied with them), of confrontation (there just is expected not to be any, you agree with them so the issue can be dropped), of needing help, of abandonment, of not being in control...
What causes narcissistic disorder?
Its largely a defense mechanism, so can be caused by any trauma in life which caused them to shut down and decide not to feel for others anymore and just live through survival of the self. Its a form of emotional "splitting" off the personality. Support and true nurturance can not be counted on in others. People are not really admired but used. Some narcissists were excessively spoiled as children. Casanova narcissists were sometimes sexually abused or had non-nurturing mothers or mothers who were overly timid. Either way, the parents were not able to form a truly empathic bond with the child and the child grows up shut down in that way. They don't really feel they can rely on anyone or even their own emotions, so they have shut them down.
Unfortunately, children of narcissists become objects to them, little extensions of themselves, little thems on which to project all their own hopes and dreams not allowing the child to have their own. Children also become little servants to take care of the emotional and other needs of the narcissist who cannot in return care for the childs needs or feelings. I really suggest not having a child with a narcissist unless you are not codependent and can nurture the child properly and not leave the child to the whims of your partners agendas and needs. Children are gifts brought into the world for us to take care of and not to take care of their parents needs.
Narcissist often pick mates who are codependent and will enable their behavior the same way as one would enable an alcoholic. Doing a reading on myself once on how I should respond to the person who was a narcissist in my life, I basically got "argue" and not to give in so much, stand up myself. Not unlovingly or in ways which tear the narcissist down. It can be traumatic for them to be taken off their pedistal and will only drive them further into there behavior. But, try not to fear confrontation. Codependents often organize themselves around the needs of others and feel overly responsible for others, accepting blame readily and seeking to make amends to be in good graces again. They are afraid of being considered selfish if they are assertive in any way and are eager to please. They are often highly empathic themselves. So work on these issues within yourself and this is the best way to help your partner. However, expecting dramatic changes is unrealistic unless the narcissist is in therapy which unless you are a therapist and detached enough, you will be unable to offer the right support. Even getting therapy, NPD can be difficult to treat as the narcissistic defense mechanism is the only thing holding the NPD sufferer together and keeping them from falling apart.
It is said that narcissists have a core subconsious belief that they are flawed in some way that makes them unacceptable to others. A narcissist would often deny this thinking or that this is an issue. Their narcissistic behavior is something set up within them to protect them against painful feelings of rejection and isolation that could occur if they opened their hearts, let others in, lowered defensess so that others could really see them as they are (their defective nature -- according to them). They think weakness is not tolerated, first in themselves and this becomes a big story that they are never weak and they project it out onto other people unable to accpet others weakness and humanness. Love is the cure really (though not through enabling), but they won't ever really know love unless they can accept someone to love them as human not God and allow true intimacy and knowing of one another to happen.