Sex or Lack Thereof...
So often, during a session, clients bring up the subject of sex…or lack thereof.
Honestly, more and more couples complain about lack of sex in the relationship than anything else. I guess that's no surprise. It's one of the first things to suffer when things aren't going well. Even though it’s a common problem, there’s no easy all purpose answer. Intimate relationships are complicated things, but there are some fundamental truths that apply.
Firstly, sex is the result of intimacy – it isn’t intimacy per se. A woman I know used to joke that her husband getting laundry in off the line was foreplay – and she’s right to an extent!
Being loving, expressing affection, doing things for each other, laughing together, being connected – that’s all intimacy. Sex happens as a result of that connection. If you’ve been arguing all day or barely spoken all week, chances are your partner won’t feel like sex.
Sure you can have sex without intimacy, but women in particular soon get switched off that. Want more sex? Put more effort into connecting with your partner first.
It’s not that you have to earn it – I don’t advocate that. It’s just that it amazes me that people often think it’s their right to have sex with their partner regardless of the state of their relationship. It isn’t. If things aren't great, deal with it and take the pressure off the situation first.
There may be a myriad of other reasons why your partner doesn’t want to have sex even if things are going OK. How are you going know what they are unless you ask? It’s all in the approach. Saying ‘Why won’t you have sex with me?’ probably won’t do the trick. Tell your partner you find them attractive and want to make love to them because of the way you feel about them. Ask them what you can do to make it great for them too.
They may surprise you – they may tell you. Listen up when they do.
Sex should be both spontaneous and as a result of a planned fun night together – so talk together about ways you can make both of those things happen. Think about how that would work in your life – we plan to visit the relatives or spend time with friends – why not plan fun nights together? Massage is a great way to lead in to sex – just talk about ways of getting closer and then plan those things into your life. OK it doesn’t sound spontaneous and romantic – but it’s important to make time together a priority.
Don’t pester your partner for sex – it’s a turn off. Talk to them and work with them on what would make it exciting, interesting and fun. Share with them the ideas in this article – use it as a conversation starter. Talking about sex is only awkward the first few times you do it – chances are they will want to make it better too.
Remember – sex starts with feeling loving and connected. Put the effort in, communicate what you want and listen to what they want too.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
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