Revenge is Never as Sweet as it Sounds
Often people who are suffering to want to lash out at the person they believe is responsible for their pain.
Take this couple for example: (Not their real names)
A former client, Mary Jane, found out that Cary was having an affair. The woman who told her about the affair also said it had been going on for some time. Cary didn't deny it when confronted later.
At first she was devastated; however, within a short period of time the devastation manifested into pure rage. One night while he was asleep, she cut up all his clothes and put them in the trunk of his car. She then used a knife to tear the entire leather interior in his car, and poured bleach all over the carpets.
Even though Mary Jane was advised repeatedly to stop the rampage and bad behavior, her anger and lashing out continued for months, until Cary took out an order of protection to prevent her from coming near him.
Mary Jane eventually stopped speaking to me as a client. However, I recently heard from her. She said looking back on her behavior made her feel ashamed and humiliated. She said she has regretted it ever since.
While this may be an extreme case or example, you may be surprised how many folks truly believe they have a right to behave badly if they can claim the moral high ground. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It just makes the whole situation worse. It reflects badly on the aggrieved person, and just ends up making them look and feel bad.
None of us are responsible for someone else's behavior - we can't control what anyone else does. We are responsible though for what we do. We can choose to take on their stuff, or choose not to buy into it. Everybody can walk away, either for five minutes, five hours or permanently. We are always in charge of what we think and how we behave, and it is never OK to respond to bad behavior in kind.
We degrade ourselves by acting inappropriately, and when the heat of the moment subsides, we're left with the shame and regret that our own behavior has caused.
When people are stuck in pain and don't know what to do in a crisis situation, I ask them to consider things five years from now. I ask them to think about how they would like to have behaved and how they could act that they would later be proud of. If they don't know or can't think straight, I suggest taking some time out to reflect on things until it becomes clear. I have yet to hear someone say they wish they had got angry and lost it completely!
When you feel like you are going to lose your cool, say or do something you will later regret, take time out. Walk. Leave it alone temporarily, and think about the big picture. The pain will pass, but the memory of what you did and said will stay with you.
Don't meet bad behavior head on. Instead, give yourself some time to think and get it straight. Ultimately, putting your best self forward yields the best outcome.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for calls this morning and afternoon only. I am taking the evening off to enjoy a performance of the Jersey Boys @ the Fox in St Louis. :)