A large part of my work as an advisor and coach involves assisting people whose relationship is in crisis mode. When people find themselves in this situation, often they just don’t know what to do. They feel powerless and as if they have no control over what is happening. They’re almost always in real pain - it's as if there's a dense fog surrounding them obstructing their vision to the path ahead.
I can’t take away anyone’s pain, no one can do that. What I can do is help someone who is stuck see that they do have some power and control over the situation, and that examining choices and making good decisions in this moment can aid them in the future.
My aim is to help someone see what is happening for them, and help them decide what they want to do about it. There are always choices. That process, I believe, takes away a lot of the feelings of helplessness. Knowing what you want to do and who you want to be in the midst of pain gives people back a sense of control, gives them real clarity.
When you think about it, our life is a constant stream of decisions that need to be made. We make choices every day, not just about what we do but what we think, where we choose to put our focus. That’s what coaching is all about, really. Helping people see that what they think and what they do has a dramatic affect on their day to day life. Change that focus from a negative to a purposeful positive, even in a small way, and you will see results.
Being stuck comes from doing nothing and feeling like it’s all being done to you—that you have no other choices or options available. We all have options, even if it’s just how we think or view the situation.
In a crisis, whatever that may be, what you think and how you act are more important than ever. Often people perceive that they are powerless that the situation is being done to them. The reality is, as my partner often tells me, how we feel is up to us. How we react is up to us. No one can make us feel any particular way without our consent.
Sure, people we love can hurt us deeply and often do. If you have got to this point in your life without that happening, count yourself very lucky. That’s the time when we need to think clearly about who we are and how we want to behave. That’s the time for reflection.
I say to people, ‘How would the best of you handle this’? In twenty years time, when you look back, how will you want to have behaved’’ At the end of the day, what others around us do, how they behave, is up to them. How we respond is up to us, and it can make a big difference to how things unfold.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
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