Connection vs Communication
From time to time, I ask people I work with to tell me what they believe to be fundamental to happiness in their relationship. Almost always, effective communication is in there somewhere.
I find that interesting. Sure, it’s important to talk to each other, to keep in touch with each other, but to me communication isn’t what’s vital in a relationship – connection is.
You can be an extremely effective communicator and still have a lousy connection with your partner, and lousy connection is what kills relationships.
For example, ‘she’ constantly communicates her dissatisfaction and displeasure with ‘him’. She reminds him daily of her frustrations with him, and goes to some lengths explain to him how she is feeling.
He communicates also. He tells her, every day, how he is sick of hearing her complaints, how he is sick and tired of her nagging. He reminds her that if she doesn’t like it, she knows where the door is.
Although this couple is communicating, they sure aren’t connecting! Their approach just further entrenches their positions. They are both so determined that they are in the right and that they are the injured party. They’ve lost sight of what’s really at stake – their relationship.
If they gave up being right for a moment, and took a step toward each other, they might start to see the situation in a different light. They might start to see that it’s not about winning at their partner’s expense – it’s about listening and honoring each other so both benefit.
The thing is, to have a deep connection with our partners, we have to try to see it from their point of view – we have to take a step towards their perspective.
She is trying to tell him she is unhappy. Essentially, she is telling him she doesn’t feel loved and she doesn’t feel understood. He is trying to tell her the same thing.
While they are locked in defense mode, neither wants to reach out to the other for fear of giving up their power. They are locked in a classic power struggle, and neither wants to back down.
They need to try it another way. They need to reach out to each other, to move towards each other. They can do that by putting their position aside, listening to and acknowledging what the other is trying to say and working towards creating a new energy, a new way of relating.
If they both genuinely tried to move towards where the other is coming from, something would begin to emerge – a shared understanding, an intimacy. By acknowledging, listening and taking on board the other’s feelings, they have created a new entity, a ‘we’.
It’s this special bond that is first destroyed when the relationship starts to break down - the sense of being in it together, of being the other’s best friend. The concept of ‘we’ is replaced with a firm belief that the other party is in the wrong, and instead of being united in trying to repair things, each takes up positions opposed to the other. It’s a you-against-me mindset.
Just as it took time to get to that stage; it takes time to get back to love and intimacy. But with the right mindset, a commitment to mutual understanding, love and respect, almost any relationship can re kindle the passion it once had.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls here on Keen throughout the day & evening. If I am showing as unavailable please place a callback to ensure we connect. I look forward to hearing from you!