Brigid Bishop on Life, Love and The Art of Living

Just Wishing You All a Happy New Year!

Nothing spectacular to say, just wishing you all a Happy New Year from the bottom of my heart!

The High Point of my year was finding my long-lost family.  I am so grateful that the Universe finally saw fit to bring us all together. 

I am looking forward to visiting them throughout 2009 and making a trip to the Philipines to visit those that are still living there in late 2009 or early 2010.

What a wonderful year this was!

Brightest Blessings to you all!

What Do You Need to be Happy?

What Do You Need to be Happy?

What is it that you require in order to be happy?

Are you already happy and not in need of anything in particular?  Good for you!  You probably are one of the people who will not read this blog, so I will address those that feel that something is missing in their quality of life preventing them from being contented (happy).

Is it financial safety and security?

Many of us in these difficult economic times are back down at the bottom of the Maslow Pyramid hierarchy of needs.  At the safety level, we require security of body, employment, resources, morality, safety of the family, of our health and of our property.

This is not unusual, when the economy takes a downturn, I would venture to guess that at the closure of 2008 the majority of us know of someone who is dealing with the threat of foreclosure, may be considering taking our children out of private schools, and is concerned about job security.

It is difficult indeed to be happy when basic survival and quality of life is at risk.

We can take control over these security risks to some degree, we can search for a new type of employment, downsize our home, refinance, but it is difficult.  These factors lay a foundation for the balance of our energy and when these foundational building blocks of our lives begin to shift, we may feel it in all areas of our life.

It is difficult to maintain optimism during these times, but it is possible.  We do as much as we can to cement our foundations and we give thanks for the positives that still remain, we weather the storm and prepare for standing our ground or possibly rebuilding.

Our spirituality may help us to endure difficult times at this level and may restore us on the emotional level but we are at risk for depression and high anxiety and must stay aware that life runs in cycles and that this cycle too will pass.

Perhaps you are feeling that you are okay at the safety and security level, a little nervous, but not being affected too harshly, in that case you are probably feeling more that you need love and a sense of belonging to be happy.

Do you need to feel loved and to feel a sense of belonging?

I would venture to say that eighty percent of the clients I am working with are at this level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Feeling love and partnership, (belonging), would bring the majority of the seekers I speak with a sense of happiness. 

At this level we seek friendship, family and sexual intimacy. 

We may find that in finding sexual intimacy we are falling short of that feeling of happiness we seek.  It may be simple enough to find willing sexual partners, but not so easy to find that combination of friendship and sexual intimacy that is the foundation of what we commonly refer to as love.

How do we improve our chances of finding a fulfilling relationship?

It is not easy.

We must learn to differentiate love and sex.

Sex is chemical and can lay a firm foundation for love, but friendship is psychological and emotional and is truly the cement that holds a sexually charged partnership together.

Sexual chemistry can be immediate, like a thunderbolt, whereas friendship, although at times immediate, usually takes patience and understanding, taking the time to get to know someone.

When we delay our sexual gratification and take the time to truly get to understand another person on a “friendship” level and create that bond of affection and concern we have a much better chance at finding our happiness at this level.

There is no magic formula, no rule of thumb for how long it takes, but history and experience prove that the more you know someone before handing your heart over to them, the higher your chances of success in forging that bond we refer to as love.

Perhaps we feel we have already met our love but we are having difficulty transitioning from friendship or casual sex to true intimacy? 

If that is the case, the best thing to do is to move things back to the ground level, remove the sexual activity and focus on the friendship again, you may or may not get to the level of sexual intimacy you desire, but you will be able to see things in a broader perspective.  Letting go frequently allows the sexual chemistry to reignite into a more passionate connection, yes, it may not, but it frees you to seek the love you desire elsewhere rather than treading water in a “friends with benefits” situation.  If love is what you seek, a friend with benefits is only a purgatory that you confine yourself to.

Perhaps we feel that we have met our love but have lost them and feel that only in regaining this love can we find true happiness?

At times, we have found the love we need and for whatever reason, something has gone wrong and we no longer have that love in our lives.  How much energy should we put into regaining that love? 

This is one of the most difficult situations to calculate.

Each situation is different, however, in general, if initial direct attempts at reconciliation fail, it is best to accept the loss and move forward as best as one can.  The old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” holds true here.  If the love is meant to rekindle, you cannot force it, nor should you put your life on hold waiting for it, you must accept the ending as a clean break and begin to move forward with your life.

Truly, you can find happiness elsewhere, there is no one person who defines whether or not you are happy, you, yourself define whether or not you are content.  In holding on and hoping for a lovers’ return you are losing opportunities for new love to enter your life, that can, actually, make you happy.

The best practice is to move forward, yes your lover may return, but when and if that love does resurface should not be the sole factor in whether or not you are happy, it is not healthy. 

In moving forward, we frequently find a new love that is better for us psychologically and emotionally because that lover allows themselves to be available to us, the key to intimacy.

When a desired love object is not available to us emotionally, psychologically or physically we are dealing with the extreme opposite of intimacy, seclusion, and this is something that we are incapable of changing, it must come from within the other person.

If we have love and safety, we may well feel that a heightened sense of esteem will bring us happiness.

Will esteem make you happy?

Do you want to be respected, do you have a high sense of self-esteem, do you want broader recognition of your achievements?

If so, then you are higher up on the pyramid, you have a firm foundation of security and love and you are ready to receive the acclaim of your fellow man.  You will work hard to achieve your goals and gain continued recognition and this will make you happy.

Hard work and fortitude is likely what is needed to bring you to your happy plateau.

Are you ready to self-actualize?

If you are, you are truly on “top of the heap”.  In Maslow’s theory, this is where true happiness can be found, your physiological, psychological, emotional and ego-driven needs have all been met.  You are ready to be the best you can be, and this will bring you true happiness of the highest sort.

At this point you can be creative, helpful, nonjudgmental, charitable and accepting. 

You are ready to help others to achieve their happiness as well.

So, where are you on Maslow’s pyramid?  What do you need to be happy?  What can you do to achieve your goals?

Copyright © 2008 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

Have a New Year's Revolution This Year!

Thinking of Making Some New Year Resolutions?

Every year it seems we all tend to come to the last week of December and begin ruminating over the changes we’d like to make in our lives.

Frequently we think of the peripheral changes that we believe, (due to modern advertising campaigns), will improve the quality of our lives, (and they frequently do), like quitting smoking, losing weight if we have a bit of the middle aged bulge, joining a gym, etc.

These are wonderful changes to make, and some of us resolve and do follow through with our intentions bringing us to a more physically healthy state of being.

Along with your resolutions this year, I would also like you to consider adding “New Year REVOLUTIONS” to your list of “New Year Resolutions”.

Join your local gym, show up!  Don’t pay for something you are going to attend once or twice and then lose interest in.  Quit smoking!  Eat healthier!  Yes, do all those things, make them part of your lifestyle, but along with these outward changes do some inward changing as well.

Create your very own, personal, New Year Revolution!!!!

What do I mean by this?

Well, think of what the word “revolution” means.  Upheaval, change, redefining, restructuring………

Change the WAY you LIVE.

Change the WAY you THINK.

Here are some suggestions from Brigid Bishop on some potential “New Year Revolutions”: 

Stop “Chasing” men. 

 I know. 

This sounds archaic, however, we all know that we reach out to men much more than we should in the beginnings of relationships and during the attraction stage.  This frequently causes us to be disappointed when he doesn’t call or doesn’t ask us out, or doesn’t do whatever it is we hope he will do.  

What do I mean by cease and desist man chasing?  This means, no matter what, we let him pursue us.  We don’t call, don’t IM, don’t email, don’t send notes or cards.  We allow him to initiate contact and pursue us.  You may say, “I don’t think I’m chasing him if I just call to see how he is.”  Well, yes, you are.  Until you are in a “relationship”, meaning you have an established connection that you are BOTH aware of and agree to, be elusive.

If he is not intelligent enough to deduce that you are a wonderful woman that will only add to his life, and thus pursue you by his own volition, then he is not worth the bother.  Move on!

Take Yourself Off Of “Hold”

We put ourselves “On Hold” in many different ways.

Perhaps we are waiting for our married lover to leave his wife.

We may be waiting for the phone call from the ex saying that he wants us back.

We may be waiting for our current partner to change or evolve into someone we once thought that they would become.

Hang Up!  Stop Waiting on hold listening to the elevator music of life and start living again!!

If our lover is married, start dating other people!  If he has more than one woman in his life, why should you be alone during the holidays?  Date as many other people as you care, but stop waiting for him!  You don’t have to break it off, as you probably have feelings for him, otherwise you wouldn’t be involved to begin with, but, since he IS still MARRIED, start dating other single people…..if he is EVER going to leave, that will certainly put him on notice to begin to make changes.  If he is NEVER going to leave, you increase your chances of finding the relationship you truly want, where you BOTH are free to be together.

If you are still hung up on an ex you have to let go!

It doesn’t mean that he will never return, nor does it mean that he will, but remove your energy from pining over him!  Force yourself to date.  At first it is extremely uncomfortable, but once you allow yourself to have a little fun, it does become enjoyable.

Limit the amount of time you allow yourself to think of the ex.  Don’t look for signs, or symbols, or triggers to bring up thoughts of the ex.  Tell yourself that you will only allow yourself to think of him for one half hour, (or more, or less, dependent on the intensity and age of your break up), and when thoughts of the ex creep in for whatever reason, push them to the side and think of something else.  It’s difficult, it takes self-discipline, but with practice, it works!

If our current relationship is dissatisfying, don’t keep waiting for change in the other person, change yourself!  Break it off if necessary.  Life is short, why spend one more day in an unhappy connection when there are millions of other people out there to meet and get to know and eventually build a new relationship with!

Stop “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” or What I Call “Creating Targets of Affection”

There are many people out there who literally build a fantasy relationship in their minds out of rather inconsequential connections.  A mild bit of attention or chemical attraction and they focus solely on this one individual.  It may be someone they chat with online, encounter through work or school, or even meet socially.  They feel an initial attraction and immediately “Target” this individual and cease to pursue other relationships.

Here is an example.

Many years ago when I had my brick and mortar storefront and did “in-person” readings, I  had a client who asked the generic cold question of “When will I meet someone new and where?”

Her cards came up indicating that she would meet a gentleman through her career, it would be a business connection and they would have a mutual attraction and form a bond and build a relationship.

What happened?

She began doing some “freelance” work and met a gentleman she found attractive.  (The cards indicated a business encounter through her primary career).  She convinced herself that he was the one that was foretold by the Tarot, although there was absolutely no supporting evidence to that fact.  In fact, I believe it was quite the opposite.

I worked with her and counseled her that I did not believe this was the man we had previously seen.  The cards did not validate it, yet, she was determined to “make” him the “one”.  I also cautioned her that by putting on blinders and “targeting” this one man she may very well miss the opportunity to meet the man in the previous reading, yet she did not follow the advice of the cards.

So, she threw herself into this man’s path at EVERY possible occasion.  It was borderline “stalking” at its finest.

She came back for readings asking “when will he ask me out?”  The cards did not show it happening.  She would become frustrated with me and the cards and block out what I was trying to tell her, this was NOT the guy.

Eventually, she attended a social gathering where he was also a guest, (she wrangled the invitation through a very stealth-like mode).

She had a bit too much to drink, she approached him, and she asked him out.

She came to me the next day in tears asking me why he refused to go out with her, the cards said she would meet someone through a business connection and build a relationship.  She had wasted three months chasing him and building a relationship around his every innocuous comment, and she was very disappointed.

I sat her down and reviewed the situation (and her previous readings) with her.  She used to tape them, so we had every reading back to the original available to us.

In retrospect, it became very clear to her that she had “made love out of nothing at all”.  She even realized that her reaction was way out of proportion to the connection she had in reality to him.

If a man is interested in you, you won’t have to project a relationship out into the universe, he will make it evident to you.  He will be attentive.  He will ask for your number.  He will call you.  He will ask you out.  You don’t have to “make” it happen.  It will.

Learn to discern the difference between polite social attention and individual attraction and you will save yourself a lot of pain and confusion.

Be the Person You Always Imagined Yourself to Be!

Or, as I like to say, “Be the Person Your Dog Thinks You Are!”  LOL

How did you imagine yourself to be at this stage in your life?

Did you want to learn to speak a foreign language, drive a motorcycle, ballroom dance, cast pottery or play an instrument?

What are you waiting for?

Create the lifestyle you always envisioned and live it! 

As with any New Year Resolution, a “New Year REVOLUTION” will be difficult to carry out, but start today thinking of your behavior patterns, the ones that you would like to change to build a better emotional and psychological life and I guarantee that by this time 2009 you will be a much happier and much more satisfied woman!

!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

*Reposted for New Year 2008/2009  

Did you read this last year?

Were you successful at your revolution or are you still standing still?*

For Further Reading:

If You Can’t Be With The One You Love, Love The One You’re With

Brigid Bishop’s Relationship Coaching Articles

If I am not on when you are looking for me this holiday please try the wonderful advisors in my Groups, Uncloaking the Tarot, or find many of your favorite advisors (and mine) in Brigid Bishop Recommends, to ensure that you continue to receive Quality Advice 

Inspirational Thought for the Day

Just a little inspirational thought for the day in regards to prayer, ritual and spellwork. 

As I have written many times in previous blogs, the three (prayer, ritual and spellwork), are all interchangeable but frequently misunderstood.

Here is a little something to ponder:

God's Three Answers to Your Prayers

1.  Yes.

2.  Not Yet

3.  I Have Something Better In Mind

In this life we do not always get what we want, but in the words of the immortal Rolling Stones "If you try sometimes, you get what you need". 

Perhaps that is what the Divine Plan for all of us is.

Think about it!

Brigid Bishop

If you are interested in getting a new perspective in your situation, please consider trying one of the members of my group, New Readers, Fresh Perspectives.

If you prefer to work with a more experienced advisor, please visit Brigid Bishop Recommends to ensure you continue to receive quality advice.

Brigid Bishop's Holiday Gift Giving Guide to the Zodiac

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

Brigid Bishop’s Holiday Gift Giving Guide to the Zodiac

Brigid Bishop’s

Holiday Gift Giving Guide to the Zodiac

When we give gifts, we usually try to present the recipient with a present that we, ourselves, would appreciate.  The key to being a great “presenter” is to give a gift that will appeal to the recipients’ personality and psychological expectations and pleasure centers.

When giving a gift to a lover this Holiday Season, if you know what sign their Venus resides in, you should try to provide a gift relative to that sign.  If you only know your love’s Sun Sign, then use that for a guide.

Aries

New and shiny and sparkly, reflective, items that look new and reflect back to them!  Glass, diamonds, mirrors, shiny ornaments, etc. are materials that appeal to them.  Items that are personalized are very pleasant to them.  Red, black and white are their preferred color schemes.  Metallic wrapping paper is always a good idea.

Taurus

High quality is more important here than quantity.  Textures are very important, clothing must feel good against their skin, soft and silky, pleasing to touch.  Tickets to a show are not a good idea as Taureans would rather have an item they can hold onto than an experience to remember, but a gourmet meal at the finest restaurant in the city will work wonders.  Flowers make them cry and will be pressed in a special book and saved forever.  Colors are pastels and blue.

Gemini

Wrapping won’t matter here, it may not even be noticed!  Greens and yellows are there favorite colors and since the entire world around them fascinates them, you can go in just about any gift direction you choose!  A collection of little assorted and varied gifts is always a hit, the grab bag effect extends their pleasure.  Joke gifts are well received by this sign.  Books, books and more books, movies are a popular choice too!  Or, the book AND the movie too!

Cancer

Sentimentality at its’ most profound here.  Flowery wrapping paper, mushy cards that expound the depths of your feelings for them will be treasured forever.  Soft gifts (to the touch) are very pleasing.  A comfy, cozy blanket or shirt, warm socks or booties, something that says it will take care of them works wonders.  A gift that contains sentimental value to YOU will have them choking up instantaneously, like your favorite childhood stuffed animal.  Cancer colors are earth tones.

Leo

Do it big!  Even if a tiny present, put it in a big box with a giant bow!  They love to be the center of attention so send that singing telegram or the room full of balloons to their office.  Make sure it arrives when everyone is around to see how loved they are!  Flaming red, blazing orange and dead black are colors that will appeal to them.

Virgo

Think practical.  This is what they will appreciate more than anything.  Something that is useful in everyday life will tickle their fancy quite nicely.  Make it natural, all natural fibers in their clothing, hand woven baskets or gifts from the health food store.  Colors are brown, cream, wheat and khaki, humble says it best.

Libra

Cards, cards, cards, many of them to tell them how many different ways you love them!  Romance!!!  Flowers and jewelry are their favorites.  Scented candles, poems, romance, romance, romance!  Pastels, pinks, mauves, blues, reds are their colors.

Scorpio

Sexy.  Colors are black and blue.  The negligee’, the male version of said negligee’, a favorite perfume or aftershave will appeal.  Decadent.  Chocolate.  Think sensual.

Capricorn

No matter what it is, make sure it is the BEST of it’s like.  Books on how to better oneself, how to get ahead, biographies of the ultra-successful, anything that reeks of success will appeal to them.  Green, black and silver are their colors.  Items that they can use at work are always popular with them, anything to help them stay organized will be appreciated.

Aquarius

Any Aquarian you know will have some type of current passion, find out what it is, and gift accordingly.  Since these passions may change hourly, make sure you wait until right before the holiday to shop for it.  Electronic gadgets, puzzles, brain teasers, unusual and hard to find objects, either ultra modern or ancient in nature will all have appeal.  Velcro and zippers turn them on.  Colors are white, electric blue, yellow and green, and oh, they LOVE stripes!

Pisces

Appeal to their imaginations, put a little magic into their gift.  Velvety soft clothing, velvety soft foods, velvety soft wrapping paper and cards will do well.  Poetry, mystical books, a psychic reading, an astrology chart will also make them happy.  The colors on a peacock feather on the colors for Pisces, and purple.  They also tend to like coconuts for some odd reason. 

Visit Brigid Bishop to Find Out How Things Look!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

When I am Unavailable You May Want to Try

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The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

The Bridal Bouquet

(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

On The Outside Looking In

Making the Moon Work for You

Making the Moon Work for You

by Brigid Bishop

The Moon, as it orbits our earth, moves through the zodiac much more quickly than any other significant celestial body. 

The Moon is one of the most potent astrological forces that we experience, and as it cycles through the signs on a regular schedule of approximately 2.5 days, we can use its’ energy to enhance our daily lives in many matters, including, but not limited to:

Signing contracts, beginning projects, attending job interviews, applying for loans, changing residence, approaching authority figures, travelling, shopping, and putting an end to something, convincing others to come around to your way of thinking.

How do we do this?

It’s rather simple.

Look at your sun sign and watch the movements of The Moon for when it will next be residing in the same sign as your sun.  When The Moon is in your sign, you can expect things to work out to your favor regardless of how difficult you may find the situation to be.

When The Moon is in your sun sign, these are your “best” days of the month, and these are the days when things will go more strongly in your favor than at any other time during the month.

At the opposite end of the scale, we have you “worst” or “lowest” days each month as well. 

These occur during the 2.5 days that The Moon visits your polar opposite sign.  For example, when you are an Aquarius, your lowest days of the month occur when The Moon is in Leo, if you are a Pisces, your lows are when The Moon is in Virgo, and so on around the astrological wheel.

When you are in the 2.5 day phase of your low, just kick back and don’t try to change things, wait for better timing, as you will find it most difficult to get your way during this phase.

The low points are good times of the month to meditate, be spiritual, be more kind to others and let negativity roll off your back like the proverbial duck.  Try to avoid dealing with important business matters during these times if it is at all possible.

Every 2.5 days The Moon goes “Void of Course” as well.  The length of the Void of Course Moon varies greatly, sometimes, it can be a fleeting few seconds, at others, it can last a few days.  A lunar phase calendar can help you to track The Moon.

A Void of Course Moon occurs when the last major aspect happens prior to changing to the next sign, hence, its’ frequency being an approximate 2.5 days.  The Void ends when The Moon successfully enters the next sign.

These periods are best used for “quiet times” for everyone.  Things tend to go wrong or get confused during the void, stress levels rise, patience wanes and everyone is just a little bit more difficult to talk to.  It is not an exceedingly strong influence, but it has its’ moments.  It is best to avoid taking assertive actions during these voids, simply wait for them to pass.

Visit Brigid Bishop

If I am not available, please try the well-qualified Advisors in My Group

Brigid Bishop Recommends

To Ensure That You Continue to Receive Quality Advice.

Need a Fresh Perspective?

Although I certainly appreciate client loyalty and hope that our relationship will continue to grow, I realize that sometimes we just need a second opinion or a fresh perspective on our situations.

I have formed a group of New Readers to Keen and spent today weeding out some of the inactive listings and searching for "New Talent" to invite to join this group.

If you are interested in getting a new perspective in your situation, please consider trying one of the members of my group, New Readers, Fresh Perspectives.

All of the Advisors in this group are relatively new to keen.com and will have less than 2000 points in their ratings but have diverse talents to offer.

I am also looking to recruit New Advisors who are sincerely interested in building a full time career or a steady part time career through helping others here on Keen.com. 

If you are a New Advisor with less than 2000 points on all of your listings and you are logging in at least once per week to maintain and build your practice you are welcome to submit one listing to the group, please be sure to read the conditions of joining us found on the "Join This Group" page prior to submitting your listing.  I do not accept listings that are Email only nor do I accept listings that sell Pay to View emails on their pages as their primary mode of interacting with clients.

Listings that appear inactive for more than three months are removed periodically from the group, I only wish to assist those that are truly dedicated to pursuing this career path and have the gifts to sustain a client base reliably.

I will be hosting a Tarot Reading Class tonight, however I will be available for calls and callbacks after 9 p.m. EST this evening if you wish to contact me directly.

If you prefer to work with a more experienced advisor, please visit Brigid Bishop Recommends to ensure you continue to receive quality advice.

Brigid Bishop's Holiday Gift Giving Guide to the Zodiac

The Newly "BED" Game

Tough Love In the Garden of Eden

Thyme In a Bottle

Why Do People Cheat?

What is Your Power Animal?

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

I Want It All, And I Want It Now!

Great Song by Queen!  One of my favorite bands, by the way.

I certainly understand the sentiment behind the song, and it is perfectly fine to want it all and want it now, but, my dearest, sometimes Patience truly is a Virtue.

I have had many, many clients over the years, with situations at varying degrees of difficulty, and we have worked through them successfully together.  There were times when a learning curve may have slowed or delayed progress, but we got through the toughest times with a high degree of success.

The learning curve seems to always come with my clients when it comes to communication.  Many do not and will not simply wait out a situation to allow it to change.  As discussed in my multiple blogs on  Masculine and Feminine Energy, it seems that a large percentage of female clients cannot self-discipline themselves to the feminine (passive) energy when it comes to communication.

Despite our work together, they decide not to follow the advice of the cards, and the natural balance between Masculine and Feminine Energy, and they initiate contact with the object of their desires first (masculine energy).  All is not lost, however, any progress that was made during their self-imposed silence has now been erased and has lost any and all effectiveness in allowing the male to feel their absence and grow uncomfortable.  Now the male does not have a motivating factor (discomfort) to produce any change in his behavior.

By initiating contact the female has now condoned whatever his unacceptable behavior was and basically trained him that it is okay to treat her like this (inattentively).

So although the woman now has the immediate gratification of having communication and contact with the object of her desires, she has now, inadvertently, taken a few steps backwards into establishing her feminine energy and has most likely delayed any significant change in the males’ behavior.

Why?  Because now, you have reassured the male in question that yes, indeed, you are still actively interested in him.  So why change his behavior?  If he doesn’t feel like calling you for another week or two, you don’t mind, you just trained him that you will reach out to him if he doesn’t reach out to you, you will do all the “work”, and if he feels like being accessible to you he will, if he doesn’t, he won’t.  You have taught him that your feelings don’t matter, you don’t warrant his attention because on the peripheral, you will still be there.  He has absolutely no fear (motivation) that your attention will wander, after all, it’s been two weeks since he called you and here you are ringing him up telling him that you miss him!!  He knows he has you, has no fear that you will go away, so why would he change?

Now, you’ve made the contact, expressed your feelings, he was glad to hear from you, the phone call has ended, and guess what?  He goes silent again.

You have, in effect, told him in no uncertain terms that he can go about his busy life and when he has the time or the need for your companionship, you’ll still be over here in limbo waiting…no worries for him.

The need for immediate emotional gratification is the same need that throws the timing of most relationships off when you succumb to it. 

What is immediate emotional gratification?

It is infantile in nature.  Immediate gratification is the “immediate” fulfilling of a need, as in when an infant cries because they are hungry and the mother rushes to feed the child.  This is good, this is responsible motherhood and necessary to build a sense of security within any newborn child.

We are not babies, sorry to say.  We are grown men and women and we should be able to discipline ourselves to reap the benefits of delayed gratification.

What is delayed gratification?

Delayed gratification is being able to wait to have your needs fulfilled at a more permanent and stable level, for example, the student who wants to become an attorney and works through four years of college and then attends law school and delays the “gratification” of going out and working full time in order to buy the nice car they have their eye on.  The goal is not to have a nice car at the age of 22, but to have a good career and an even nicer car (and overall lifestyle) at the age of 25 or 26 or so.  Delayed gratification is a sign of mature and responsible adulthood.

How do these two differing types of gratification work into the Geometry of Relationships?

Ok, immediate gratification leads you to make those phone calls to the object of your desire and having that immediate relief that the contact may bring.  It feels good, your needs are satisfied, your thirst for his voice is quenched, for now.  As discussed above, you are now most likely going to go back into the waiting mode and either reach for immediate gratification again or suffer it out and wait for the delayed gratification.

With the delayed gratification approach you will suffer now, in the immediate, you will be uncomfortable, you will be wondering why he doesn’t reach out, but you do not reach out to him, you wait it out.  As discussed in multiple other blogs found under my category “Brigid Bishop, Relationship Coach”, you busy yourself with other matters, other dates, and you do not reach out at all.  It is not easy and it takes self-discipline, but it can be done.

Your absence and the absence of your energy will draw him out if he truly does care, and if he does not, if it is over, your life will not be empty while you wait it out, you will have other people to socialize with and other males to investigate relationship opportunities with in the interim.  It is possible that you will even find a male who is a better match for you than the original object of your affections.

If you can abstain and wait for the delayed gratification, the male in question will be reaching out to you because you have allowed him the time to miss you, to realize that he misses you, and your prolonged absence will also have him change his behavior toward you as he will be well aware that you will not be sitting on a shelf waiting for him to rescue you from limbo.

Which would you prefer?

The instant rush of the immediate gratification (satisfying an infantile need) and the continuing Relationship Limbo or the short-term (it could be months, but short-term in the big picture) discomfort and the delayed, and long lasting gratification that effects change in your relationship dynamic?  (Satisfaction at a mature adult level).

The choice is up to you, but in my extensive experience in working with clients in these types of situations, the latter is preferable as it is permanent change for the better and not just fleeting happiness.

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part. 

If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Love The One You're With

The Proper “Usage” of the Transitional Man

Okay girls, we’ve all had them.  These are the guys that we spend time with in between our major love relationships.  They serve as a bridge from breaking up to making up, or new love.

Frequently they are the guys that we consider to be “friends”, but who have a deeper interest in us.  Oh, come on, don’t lie or try to fool yourself, your lunch time buddy at work who always wants you to meet up with him for a drinkie poo after work and listens to all your cares and concerns about your romantic misadventures is frequently one of these “friends” and may well be lending an ear to get closer to some of YOUR body parts.

Or he’s the guy you met on the internet dating service that looks great on paper, (or online), but just doesn’t have that “chemistry” we need.

Sometimes he’s the guy that chases and pursues us when our egos are bruised and eventually we just give in because hell, it feels good to be appreciated.

But just the same, a key ingredient to the potion that causes us to “fall in love” is missing. 

We’re out there.

We’re accepting that our relationship with our beloved is over and we are moving on.

Remember, the term “Transitional Man” applies to that gentleman whom we are dating, casually, but not likely to form a permanent relationship with because although he may be a great guy, he’s just not in possession of the qualities that we need.

A mistake women frequently make while utilizing the growth period of “transition between relationships” is to try to force a round peg into a square hole and make a “Transitional Man” into the “Significant Other”. 

Oh, I’ve done it myself.

After my divorce back in 1992 I dated, with full intent of only allowing the guy to be Mr. Transition a fellow that I KNEW was all wrong for me.  He was the extreme opposite of my ex-husband, and very irresponsible in his lifestyle, he was also the extreme opposite of me, but, unfortunately, I just let myself become “comfortable” with him as I was too lazy to move on and I ended up wasting five years in a relationship that should have expired after about six months.

Why did I allow this to happen?

Well, I was a newly divorced single mother with two preschoolers, almost impossible to get out and meet new people as I was struggling to survive, let alone afford a babysitter on any kind of regular basis, and this was pre-internet dating (boy, I sure would’ve shopped around more had that been available), and I kind of just “settled” for keeping company with him.

It was easy.

He would come to my house when I couldn’t come out.

He would eat my food.

He would watch my TV.

He would use anything I had around the house for his own comfort and convenience.

What he DIDN’T do was get a job.

He DIDN’T help me with the kids.

He DIDN’T grow up and behave responsibly.

I noticed, but I didn’t care because it staved off loneliness, and as I said, it was easy.

While he lay around at his mother’s house during the day collecting workmen’s compensation for an injury that should have been a day or two off (he still doesn’t work by the way), I was out building my career as an Operations Manager at a Printing Corporation AND paying top dollar for daycare and babysitting.

When I came home from work he would somehow manage to show up at my house right around the time dinner was being served and mooch a free meal.

He was kind to my kids, but more like a big, Baby Huey than a father figure.

I never let him sleep over because of my children, so he was gone by eleven at night.

Was he committed?  Well, it depends on your definition.  Exclusive physically to me, yes, Committed, NO!!!

So anyway, one day, while I was purchasing my home in 1996 (by myself, for me and my kids), I realized that I had got caught up and trapped in transition!  I had never moved forward successfully into a new and healthy relationship with a new partner, I had just stayed “in transition” for five years.  Had I been in a truly committed relationship I wouldn’t be buying a home by myself, I would’ve been buying it with a life partner.

I ended it that week.

The way I should have handled that situation was that I should have, after a six month period, realized that I was not in love with this guy, I was just comfortable with his company and living by the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young Anthem of “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”.

I never truly loved that guy.

I liked him.

I was not physically, chemically or sexually attracted to him, but exposing myself to his company over time allowed him to “grow on me”, (like a fungus), so that I did bond to him, but I never loved him.

He did not have the same type of life goals as me, he did not have any ambition, and he did not match well with me in any area except that of enjoying spending leisure time together (hell, all he had was leisure time).

So the lesson here is, while you are in between relationships, or just recently coming out of a relationship, please be sure to use your time with a “Transitional Man” wisely and learn to RECOGNIZE that the guy’s purpose in your life may not be to become your life partner, but just to keep you company for a little while until you DO find your next Significant Other.

When that little sick feeling inside you comes up when you are wondering if the guy is right for you, listen to it, don’t ignore it, and don’t just let things ride because they are comfortable and familiar, step back and choose wisely.  Don’t be afraid to end it with your “Transitional Man”.  Every man you date IS NOT a potential life mate, they are few in number and they will not evoke that sick “should I keep seeing this guy even though he hasn’t had a job in six months” feeling.

In my case, my irresponsible transitional man made me feel youthful again at the age of twenty-nine after my marriage to my ex-husband had made me feel like I was a century old, and I got charmed by his sheer lack of responsibility to the world, even though I was an extremely responsible woman.  What I didn’t realize was that he had no responsibility to me, either, and I needed someone who would choose to be responsible to me as well.  I did find him, but hell, I kissed a lot of frogs that were passing through.

Is your current guy just a “Transitional Man” or is he “The Real Thing”. 

Visit Brigid Bishop to Find Out How Things Look!

Copyright © 2007 Brigid Bishop

.  This content may not be copied or reproduced in any way without the express written permission of the author.  You are welcome to link to or bookmark this page, but please contact the author via Keen Mail if you wish to reproduce this article in whole or in part

When I am Unavailable You May Want to Try

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(This Article Contains Links to More Wedding Rituals and Myths)

Independence, Codependence and Interdependence

Premarital Ponderings at 2 a.m.

On The Outside Looking In

Happy Thanksgiving! Giving Thanks for The Past Year

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008 Has Been Great!

Every year when Thanksgiving rolls around I do a lot of reflection over the past year as to what I have to be “Thankful” for over the course of the past twelve months.

Some years have been harder than others to find a sense of gratefulness, but this year was a good year.

I am thankful that my son is successfully settled in law school.

I am thankful that I have my little Bella Luna, (my one year old boxer puppy), in my life, she brings me such joy and amusement.

I am thankful for a secure family situation with my new husband and my two sons.

I am thankful for oil prices dropping (lol).

I am thankful for my home and the ability to have done some preliminary remodeling this year.

I am thankful that my mother is still alive and in fairly good health at the age of eighty.

I am thankful that I found my long-lost relatives and solved a 78 year old family mystery.

I am thankful that my new family embraces me as I do them and that I am learning so much about an entirely different culture that I had known very little about (Filipino).

I am thankful that I am successfully launching a newly expanded writing career.

I am thankful that after living here for twelve years I was finally able to fence in my yard, build a pond in my garden and erect a gazebo and am looking forward to enjoying it again next summer.

I am thankful that I was able to experience one more year of life and learn from it and hope to do so again next year.

Brightest Blessings this Thanksgiving

to you and yours

and I sincerely hope that you are able to find many

things to be thankful for in your own life!

Brigid Bishop

P.S.  I will be available this evening if you would like to contact me, but will be spending tomorrow celebrating the holiday with family and not taking calls, returning to service on Friday, 11/28/08. 

Just Use Arrange a Call to Catch Me Tonight.

Thank You!

The Impossible Dreamer, Installment One

To Dream The Impossible Dream!

Are you alone? 

Are you interested in a guy that somehow remains “elusive” to your relationship goals and expectations?

Do you find yourself wondering if he has viewed your webpage on myspace or facebook or any of the other social networking sites to see your new pics, or if he got your text or email, or if he is going to respond?

Are you wondering why he hasn’t called you in over a week?

Do you dissect and analyze every word and inference in each and every one of his communications with you?

Are you trying to learn his dialect (manspeak), so that you can reassure yourself that somehow, some way he is going to be with you “someday”.

If so, you are what I have coined as an “Impossible Dreamer”.  I have an entire chapter in my newest book devoted to you dear, sweet women of the world.

You may or may not have some type of a relationship with the man in question, however, if none exists, you are surely constructing the bits and pieces of your interactions into one in your own mind.

The symptoms of this condition usually center around a man who is afflicted with the following characteristics of unavailability either alone or in combination with several others listed here:

He is married.

He is involved with another woman, i.e., girlfriend or live-in significant other.

He lives very, VERY far away from you, either on the other side of the country or the other side of the world.

He is emotionally unavailable.

He has already told you he is not interested in a romance but he wants to “be friends”.

Although he continuously shows you he has no interest in romance with you, he continues flirtatious contact with you just the same, even to the point of mentioning his other women.

Your only contact is on the internet, you are having a “cyber” relationship.

If you are focused on any men with the above afflictions, you are very likely to be an “Impossible Dreamer”.

The Married Man

The married man may or may not be sleeping with you but whether or not you are actively involved, if he is still married, i.e. “A Married Man”, you are at high risk for being an “Impossible Dreamer”, most especially if you, yourself are also married or involved.

Let’s say that you are single and involved with a Mr. Married.  Yes, there are instances as described in many of my previous blogs where these situations do wind up with Mr. Married becoming Mr. Divorced and subsequently you may become Mrs. Divorced, in due time, but more often than not, Mr. Married remains Mr. Married, and you remain Ms. Otherwoman.

How can you tell if your Mr. Married will become Mr. Divorced, and even more important, will Mr. Divorced be with you after said divorce?

It’s very difficult, to say the least, but these key indicators will tell you if Mr. Married has any inclination to skip down the Divorce Trail and be with you. 

Signs that he really is looking to jump relationships:

He spends each and every free minute that he can possible steal away from married life with you.

He no longer celebrates anniversaries with his wife, he is with you on those days, not her, she is left to her own devices.

He no longer spends holidays entirely with his wife and family, even on the biggies like Christmas or New Years he finds a way to spend some time with you.

He never lets a special occasion for you go by unmarked, i.e., your birthday, the day you two started dating, etc.  He is there for you.

He TELLS you he loves you and he SHOWS you by being attentive.

You receive daily phone calls or emails.

Whenever you call, text or email him, you receive a response within 24 hours at the MOST, even on weekends and holidays.

He TELLS you WHEN he is going to leave his marriage, and when the date comes, he DOES it.

If, on the other hand, you are an Impossible Dreamer, you are likely to be experiencing the following circumstances on a regular basis:

Weeks go by, perhaps even months, without any significant personal contact between the two of you.

Text messages, emails and voicemails seem to be left in limbo as you rarely, if ever, receive a reply.

You spend your birthday, vacations, major holidays and weekends alone.

He is still spending anniversaries, vacations, holidays and weekends with his wife and family.

When you do, on rare occasions, spend time together, it is for a few hours maximum and the time is likely to be spent having heated sex and little else.

He either never mentions divorce at all to you, or, if he does, there are no definitive dates given and no visible actions taken, he will perhaps tell you that the timing is not right.

There are several hardcore facts that a woman in this situation needs to realize and accept and then decide as to whether or not this situation is the right one for her.

If your married love interests’ behaviors place you in the category of an “Impossible Dreamer” you are likely to remain in a permanent state of anticipation and anxiety over your relationship as the situation is highly unlikely to change.

Why are you putting your life on hold when there are so many unattached and physically and emotional available men on the planet?

Even if you feel that this is the “Soul Mate” relationship of a lifetime, if you are an “Impossible Dreamer” you are going to end up lonely if you don’t make changes and begin the process of finding an available partner now, not next month, next year, or next millennium, but now.

If you absolutely cannot let go, at least DATE OTHER AVAILABLE MEN and make him the “Other Man” in your life until you can muster the courage to walk away.

Many “Impossible Dreamers” believe that the unavailable man will walk away if they start pursuing other interests.  The cold hard facts are, that if the man has any inclination whatsoever to leave his primary relationship for you, pursuing other romantic interests will speed up his journey into your life, not destroy it.  Why should you spend another Saturday night home alone when he is out to dinner and a movie with his wife?  Take the risk.  In the long run you will be happier.

Watch this blog for Installment Two of the “Impossible Dreamer”.