So often when the relationship isn’t going so great, sex is suddenly under the spotlight. At that point, sex becomes something to throw at each other, and that’s dangerous territory. We can do great harm to each other when we use sex as a weapon.
So, back to where we started. What to do about it. Firstly, see it in a wider context. What else is going on? If sex is an issue, where are things at? You can’t get to the sex issues without dealing with everything else. One must keep in mind, sex is the end result.
What can you do to ‘fix’ the intimacy, the closeness and caring in your relationship, rather than focusing ‘fixing’ the sex? I’ll say it again – one follows the other.
You can’t be cold and distant or ignore your partner then expect them to be super charged in the bedroom. Likewise, you can’t continually say you don’t want to have sex because ‘you’re not in the mood’. If you aren’t in the mood for weeks or months on end, something else is going on.
Talk about it. You’d be surprised how it helps. Talk about the intimacy, the closeness, not just about sex. Talk about what you can do about it. Make a plan. I’m amazed that people let this one drift on for YEARS. If something was wrong with the kids or the pets, it would be dealt with far quicker.
It’s important. Don’t believe that ‘sex isn’t everything’ nonsense. It may not be everything, but my experience in working with clients tells me it's something!
In my experience, people aren’t expecting to act out some mini porn fantasy every night – they simply want intimacy and closeness on a regular basis and don’t know how to get back to that.
Talk about what would work for both of you. Brain storm ways of spending good close time together – with enough of those, the sex will follow. Plan to put things right in the relationship. How was it when things were good?
Don’t use no money, kids, or work schedule conflicts as an excuse. There are loads of ways to plan a bit of spontaneous fun that doesn’t have to cost the earth. And there is always time for each other, if you are dedicated to finding it! Have a date night at home. Once a week - every week.
Make it a priority. It matters.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls throughout the day with breaks and again later this evening. If I am showing as unavailable, please place a callback to ensure we connect.
So often, during a session, clients bring up the subject of sex…or lack thereof.
Honestly, more and more couples complain about lack of sex in the relationship than anything else. I guess that's no surprise. It's one of the first things to suffer when things aren't going well. Even though it’s a common problem, there’s no easy all purpose answer. Intimate relationships are complicated things, but there are some fundamental truths that apply.
Firstly, sex is the result of intimacy – it isn’t intimacy per se. A woman I know used to joke that her husband getting laundry in off the line was foreplay – and she’s right to an extent!
Being loving, expressing affection, doing things for each other, laughing together, being connected – that’s all intimacy. Sex happens as a result of that connection. If you’ve been arguing all day or barely spoken all week, chances are your partner won’t feel like sex.
Sure you can have sex without intimacy, but women in particular soon get switched off that. Want more sex? Put more effort into connecting with your partner first.
It’s not that you have to earn it – I don’t advocate that. It’s just that it amazes me that people often think it’s their right to have sex with their partner regardless of the state of their relationship. It isn’t. If things aren't great, deal with it and take the pressure off the situation first.
There may be a myriad of other reasons why your partner doesn’t want to have sex even if things are going OK. How are you going know what they are unless you ask? It’s all in the approach. Saying ‘Why won’t you have sex with me?’ probably won’t do the trick. Tell your partner you find them attractive and want to make love to them because of the way you feel about them. Ask them what you can do to make it great for them too.
They may surprise you – they may tell you. Listen up when they do.
Sex should be both spontaneous and as a result of a planned fun night together – so talk together about ways you can make both of those things happen. Think about how that would work in your life – we plan to visit the relatives or spend time with friends – why not plan fun nights together? Massage is a great way to lead in to sex – just talk about ways of getting closer and then plan those things into your life. OK it doesn’t sound spontaneous and romantic – but it’s important to make time together a priority.
Don’t pester your partner for sex – it’s a turn off. Talk to them and work with them on what would make it exciting, interesting and fun. Share with them the ideas in this article – use it as a conversation starter. Talking about sex is only awkward the first few times you do it – chances are they will want to make it better too.
Remember – sex starts with feeling loving and connected. Put the effort in, communicate what you want and listen to what they want too.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls later this afternoon and this evening. If I am showing as unavailable or alert me of calls, please place a callback to ensure we connect.
I recently received an email recently from a client I dealt with last year. It was great to hear from her. The nature of this profession is that I mostly talk to people when they are in crisis or when things aren’t going so well, and I often wonder how they are doing and what has happened in their life.
I found this email inspirational. She had a tough time last year. Things had not turned out for her the way she had hoped. She was at the end of her 20 plus year marriage and things weren’t looking so great.
She could have been angry, bitter and resentful at how things had unfolded.
Instead, she decided to get on with it. She learnt what she needed to learn, grieved when she needed to grieve and most of all took responsibility for her part in the process.
A year later, having done her work, she’s now able to move on with her life. She deserves happiness and has found it – good for her.
There are no sure things in life. Sometimes it simply doesn’t turn out the way we want it to. We can’t control other people or events the way we would like to sometimes. We can however, control what we do about it.
The happiest people I know don’t need a reason or event to be happy – they simply are happy because they choose to be, and if they’re not, they do something about it. A former co-worker of mine was unbelievably, disgustingly happy and positive all the time. If you ask him how he is he would say, ‘fantastic’ or ‘terrific’ or ‘couldn’t be better’. And guess what his life was like. Yup – fantastic, terrific and couldn’t be better. You just had to smile around him – he’s a real gem.
Imagine if everyone truly felt like that about life. Radical thinking!
Wisdom comes with experience, good or bad, it doesn’t really matter which as long as you learn from it. My client from last year has. She would not be where she is now without growth, experience and the desire to be happy. At the end of the day, that’s all any of us want, isn’t it – to be happy? Sometimes it isn’t easy, but it’s always worth the effort!
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for Keen calls throughout the morning and later this evening. If I am showing as unavailable or alert me of calls, please place a call back to ensure we connect. I look forward to connecting with everyone today! :)
People often contact me and ask me whether I think they should leave their relationship.
For a start, it isn’t up to me, it’s up to them.
Of course in an ideal world, no one would ever leave their partner. It causes so much pain, upheaval and stress, and almost always affects the lives of many people, not just the couple concerned. In an ideal world, no one would need to leave because no one would want to leave.
Sadly, that’s not the case. It happens that for a variety of reasons, people just can’t live together happily any more. I don’t believe people make these decisions lightly. Typically, someone who decides to leave a relationship has thought about it for a long time before actually getting up the courage to do so.
For those people the pain of staying has become bigger than the pain of leaving. That thought process doesn’t happen overnight – it builds up and gets stronger over a period of time, usually years. Finally people feel so empty and so dead inside, they just have to get out.
If that resonates with you, and you are considering your options at the moment, what I want to tell you is this:
Don’t think that leaving will take away your pain and disappointment – it won’t.
You will take it with you. Most likely, if statistics are anything to go by, you’ll take all your ‘stuff’ into your next relationship.
Whatever is happening for you right now, recognize that what happens from here on in will depend on whether or not you take responsibility for your own happiness.
Seldom does any one do that. Mostly people think that it’s their partner’s responsibility to make them happy. That’s not the case. I recently shared a story about an elderly lady moving to a nursing home entitled Happiness Starts in Your Head—I firmly believe in that concept.
Well here’s the truth. No one can make you happy or unhappy without your permission. No one can create something for you that starts in your head.
Your happiness or unhappiness is your own doing. You create your own state of mind, and what you think about your reality creates your realty. It does not exist without your permission. It always starts with you. If you are unhappy in your relationship, look inward, not outward.
That may be hard to hear. You may think that you can be happy, just not with them.
Know this. Unresolved issues you have in this relationship you will most certainly take to the next one. Whatever you don't deal with now you will have to deal with eventually or end up unhappy again.
Start with you, not with them. Design the life you want – and accentuate the positives you have in your relationship right now. Don’t tell me there aren’t any, because once upon a time there were, and they’re still there, buried under more recent feelings.
Create your own life first. Take full responsibility for the life you have now. Take your own inventory. Make a decision that no matter what, you’ll get your own life on track.
If having done that you still want to leave, then so be it. At least you’ll have done your own work, and you’ll have learnt a lot about yourself. You’ll carry a lot less pain and resentment too. Believe me, it’s worth the effort.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls throughout the morning and again later this evening. If I am showing as unavailable or alert me of calls please place a callback to ensure we connect. Looking forward to sharing blessings with you today!
A while back one of my single friend has recently started seeing someone she likes.
They had been out on a few dates, spent some time talking on the phone and had a few steamy sessions getting to know one another on a more intimate level!
I asked her what she wanted from here on, and if she had asked him what he wanted too. She was taken aback by that. She said it wasn’t something she had thought about, and didn’t think she should ask. She said it was early days yet – time for finding out later.
Well I disagreed. I think early on is just the time to ask. In fact, if more people actually thought about what they wanted and checked that the other person wanted the same, I think people could save themselves a whole lot of heartache.
Some people are looking for a long term committed relationship and will date to find out if a potential partner is that special someone. Other people aren’t interested in getting involved on a serious level and date for fun.
Both are valid; just make sure you are clear about which one you want and which one they want.
Be clear about what ‘fun’, or ‘don’t want a serious relationship right now’ means. That means no strings attached, no commitment, no responsibility. Someone who says that is not looking for a partner, they are looking for a ‘friendly friend’. It is not a relationship that’s going anywhere, may not be exclusive and cannot be relied upon for anything. It’s purely casual. If you want that too then go right ahead. If you don’t, get out of there!
Work out what you want and how you want to be treated. Find out early on if they think the same as you about these things – you can find out a lot in general terms without actually asking if you are uncomfortable doing so. Listen to what they are telling you – be open to hearing it even if it’s not what you want to hear.
If you want a partner, don’t let yourself get emotionally invested before you know where you stand. If you do, you risk getting caught up in something that will cause you great pain. My mother used to tell me ‘don’t give your treasures away until you find out if they’re worthy’. She’s right.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls throughout the day and evening. If I am showing as Unavailable or Alert, please place a callback to ensure we connect. I look forward to sharing with you today....have a wonderfully blessed Monday! :)
When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there...Enjoy your special day with your mother and/or family!
Blessings
Melody "Lil Mel"
I will be available for your calls throughout the morning and early afternoon then I will be joining my family for an outing. If time allows I will sign back on later this evening for calls--look forward to connecting with you today. If I am showing as unavailable or alert, please place a callback to ensure we connect!
From time to time, I ask people I work with to tell me what they believe to be fundamental to happiness in their relationship. Almost always, effective communication is in there somewhere.
I find that interesting. Sure, it’s important to talk to each other, to keep in touch with each other, but to me communication isn’t what’s vital in a relationship – connection is.
You can be an extremely effective communicator and still have a lousy connection with your partner, and lousy connection is what kills relationships.
For example, ‘she’ constantly communicates her dissatisfaction and displeasure with ‘him’. She reminds him daily of her frustrations with him, and goes to some lengths explain to him how she is feeling.
He communicates also. He tells her, every day, how he is sick of hearing her complaints, how he is sick and tired of her nagging. He reminds her that if she doesn’t like it, she knows where the door is.
Although this couple is communicating, they sure aren’t connecting! Their approach just further entrenches their positions. They are both so determined that they are in the right and that they are the injured party. They’ve lost sight of what’s really at stake – their relationship.
If they gave up being right for a moment, and took a step toward each other, they might start to see the situation in a different light. They might start to see that it’s not about winning at their partner’s expense – it’s about listening and honoring each other so both benefit.
The thing is, to have a deep connection with our partners, we have to try to see it from their point of view – we have to take a step towards their perspective.
She is trying to tell him she is unhappy. Essentially, she is telling him she doesn’t feel loved and she doesn’t feel understood. He is trying to tell her the same thing.
While they are locked in defense mode, neither wants to reach out to the other for fear of giving up their power. They are locked in a classic power struggle, and neither wants to back down.
They need to try it another way. They need to reach out to each other, to move towards each other. They can do that by putting their position aside, listening to and acknowledging what the other is trying to say and working towards creating a new energy, a new way of relating.
If they both genuinely tried to move towards where the other is coming from, something would begin to emerge – a shared understanding, an intimacy. By acknowledging, listening and taking on board the other’s feelings, they have created a new entity, a ‘we’.
It’s this special bond that is first destroyed when the relationship starts to break down - the sense of being in it together, of being the other’s best friend. The concept of ‘we’ is replaced with a firm belief that the other party is in the wrong, and instead of being united in trying to repair things, each takes up positions opposed to the other. It’s a you-against-me mindset.
Just as it took time to get to that stage; it takes time to get back to love and intimacy. But with the right mindset, a commitment to mutual understanding, love and respect, almost any relationship can re kindle the passion it once had.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls here on Keen throughout the day & evening. If I am showing as unavailable please place a callback to ensure we connect. I look forward to hearing from you!
Where in the priority queue is your relationship?
If you are like most, you’ll say it’s your top priority. But is it really?
Let’s face it, everyone gets a little complacent towards their partners after a while, and putting them first often gets sidelined in favor of the more mundane things in life.
Here’s an example of that. Faced with the following, which would you choose?
1. Getting organized before your favorite show on TV.
2. Reading the kids a story
3. Sharing a drink and listening to how his/her day went.
For most couples, it’s seldom number 3. Somehow that seems like the least important – something that can be put off till another day.
The truth is, the other things can wait, checking in and connecting with each other can’t. Relationships need to be nurtured and maintained regularly. The dishes will still be there later, and you do your kids a favor if you keep your relationship strong.
Nothing is more important than grabbing that time when it presents itself. When couples say, ‘We work at our relationship’, that’s what they mean. That make it their priority, they put each other above everything else.
Lack of attention is a leading cause of relationship crises. People just stop making time for each other, and then wonder why the intimacy and closeness wanes.
I hear from people all the time whose relationship is in serious trouble through years of neglect. It’s not that there’s been major issues or abuse, it’s just that those feelings aren’t there any more.
If you are in a relationship, don’t let that happen. Pay attention now – every day. Lots of little things constantly adds up to a whole lot over the years. You know what they say, an ounce of prevention.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for your calls throughout the day and for a while later on this evening. If I am showing as unavailable or alert me of calls, place a callback to ensure we connect.
Often people who are suffering to want to lash out at the person they believe is responsible for their pain.
Take this couple for example: (Not their real names)
A former client, Mary Jane, found out that Cary was having an affair. The woman who told her about the affair also said it had been going on for some time. Cary didn't deny it when confronted later.
At first she was devastated; however, within a short period of time the devastation manifested into pure rage. One night while he was asleep, she cut up all his clothes and put them in the trunk of his car. She then used a knife to tear the entire leather interior in his car, and poured bleach all over the carpets.
Even though Mary Jane was advised repeatedly to stop the rampage and bad behavior, her anger and lashing out continued for months, until Cary took out an order of protection to prevent her from coming near him.
Mary Jane eventually stopped speaking to me as a client. However, I recently heard from her. She said looking back on her behavior made her feel ashamed and humiliated. She said she has regretted it ever since.
While this may be an extreme case or example, you may be surprised how many folks truly believe they have a right to behave badly if they can claim the moral high ground. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It just makes the whole situation worse. It reflects badly on the aggrieved person, and just ends up making them look and feel bad.
None of us are responsible for someone else's behavior - we can't control what anyone else does. We are responsible though for what we do. We can choose to take on their stuff, or choose not to buy into it. Everybody can walk away, either for five minutes, five hours or permanently. We are always in charge of what we think and how we behave, and it is never OK to respond to bad behavior in kind.
We degrade ourselves by acting inappropriately, and when the heat of the moment subsides, we're left with the shame and regret that our own behavior has caused.
When people are stuck in pain and don't know what to do in a crisis situation, I ask them to consider things five years from now. I ask them to think about how they would like to have behaved and how they could act that they would later be proud of. If they don't know or can't think straight, I suggest taking some time out to reflect on things until it becomes clear. I have yet to hear someone say they wish they had got angry and lost it completely!
When you feel like you are going to lose your cool, say or do something you will later regret, take time out. Walk. Leave it alone temporarily, and think about the big picture. The pain will pass, but the memory of what you did and said will stay with you.
Don't meet bad behavior head on. Instead, give yourself some time to think and get it straight. Ultimately, putting your best self forward yields the best outcome.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for calls this morning and afternoon only. I am taking the evening off to enjoy a performance of the Jersey Boys @ the Fox in St Louis. :)
I once read an article stating that women between the ages of 35 to 50 had as much chance of finding a partner as an 90 year old did, due to the fact that single women outnumber single men considerably.
What does such a statistic mean? Nothing. Unless of course you are interested in pairing up every single female with every single male. All such statistics do is cement the erroneous idea that it’s about numbers. It isn’t – it’s about attitude.
Most likely the demographics are different where you live, but chances are the mindset will be the same – there just aren’t enough suitable singles around.
I meet this resistance time and time again from clients looking for a little romance in their life or the perfect partner; that everyone is either married, unsuitable or has too much baggage.
I don’t believe that to be so. The fact is, it often comes out of the mouth of an eligible, suitable and available single. What I do believe, however, is that such mindsets easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe good potential partners are scarce, they will be.
Thing is, all anyone needs to find is one person. Instead of looking out for that one elusive person and having a scarcity mentality, practice living life on track instead. Go about your life, confident in the fact that it’s only a matter of time before that one person crosses your busy, abundant path. What we choose to focus and put our energy into obviously has a much higher chance of becoming a reality.
That mindset serves a far more worthwhile purpose. It opens doors, attracts positive like-minded people toward you, and means that life is fun and full in the meantime.
That’s far more likely to catch the attention of an eligible, suitable partner. And you only need to catch the eye of one!
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available throughout the morning and early afternoon to take your calls. Additionally I will be back on later this evening. Please feel free to place a callback to ensure we connect.
Centuries ago, betrothal ceremonies were commonplace and deemed to be as significant as marriage itself. The betrothal ceremony signaled a couple’s intention to marry, but more importantly, it spoke of the depth of their commitment to the relationship. I find that concept endearing and heartwarming.
A committed relationship takes place when both parties are fully invested in the ‘we’, now and in the future. In a truly committed relationship, protecting and nurturing that togetherness is vital. Typically, relationships that unravel have little intimacy left and both parties have taken up positions against each other. They stop thinking of the ‘we’ and start fighting for ‘me’.
Relationships in crisis have lost the emphasis on partnership. One or both parties spend more time attacking and defending one another. To reach out would be to give in or hand over some power. In a sense, they are two individuals again, regardless of whether they stay or go. The relationship, the commitment, has been abandoned.
I believe that when we talk about commitment, we should really talk about our commitment to maintaining the intimacy, connection and priority of partnership. We should refer to our commitment to keep the ‘we’ alive. We should undertake to protect, respect and foster the intimacy, connection and closeness we share in a partnership.
That, to me, is real commitment. It means not doing, thinking or saying anything that undermines the relationship. Acknowledging not only that it exists, but that it’s precious.
I don’t believe, as others do, that people often leave their relationships in haste. In my experience, couples stay together and work hard at it long before they decide to part. I do however; believe that the emphasis in a relationship is sometimes in the wrong place.
Sometimes people spend all their energy on fighting hard for their position, rather than fighting hard for the relationship. With a change of emphasis and a change of attitude, people can turn their relationship around. That’s what I call real commitment – being focused on the ‘we’.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available throughout the day and later this evening for calls. If I am showing as unavailable for calls, please place a callback to ensure we connect. I look forward to speaking with you!
A large part of my work as an advisor and coach involves assisting people whose relationship is in crisis mode. When people find themselves in this situation, often they just don’t know what to do. They feel powerless and as if they have no control over what is happening. They’re almost always in real pain - it's as if there's a dense fog surrounding them obstructing their vision to the path ahead.
I can’t take away anyone’s pain, no one can do that. What I can do is help someone who is stuck see that they do have some power and control over the situation, and that examining choices and making good decisions in this moment can aid them in the future.
My aim is to help someone see what is happening for them, and help them decide what they want to do about it. There are always choices. That process, I believe, takes away a lot of the feelings of helplessness. Knowing what you want to do and who you want to be in the midst of pain gives people back a sense of control, gives them real clarity.
When you think about it, our life is a constant stream of decisions that need to be made. We make choices every day, not just about what we do but what we think, where we choose to put our focus. That’s what coaching is all about, really. Helping people see that what they think and what they do has a dramatic affect on their day to day life. Change that focus from a negative to a purposeful positive, even in a small way, and you will see results.
Being stuck comes from doing nothing and feeling like it’s all being done to you—that you have no other choices or options available. We all have options, even if it’s just how we think or view the situation.
In a crisis, whatever that may be, what you think and how you act are more important than ever. Often people perceive that they are powerless that the situation is being done to them. The reality is, as my partner often tells me, how we feel is up to us. How we react is up to us. No one can make us feel any particular way without our consent.
Sure, people we love can hurt us deeply and often do. If you have got to this point in your life without that happening, count yourself very lucky. That’s the time when we need to think clearly about who we are and how we want to behave. That’s the time for reflection.
I say to people, ‘How would the best of you handle this’? In twenty years time, when you look back, how will you want to have behaved’’ At the end of the day, what others around us do, how they behave, is up to them. How we respond is up to us, and it can make a big difference to how things unfold.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available today throughout the day to assist you with finding solutions to your problems or make healthier decisions for your life. If I am showing as unavailable please place a callback to ensure we connect!
Like me, you probably get inundated with email funnies and words of wisdom every morning. Occasionally there’s a jewel hidden amongst the junk. I thought the following was just that…
We can all learn a lesson from this great old girl!
The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is
fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably
coiffed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally
blind, moved to a nursing home today.
Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move
necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing
home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.
As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a
visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that
had been hung on her window.
"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old
having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like
my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's
how I arrange my mind.
I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning
when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting
the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work,
or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the
new day and all the happy memories I've stored away .....just for this
time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account ...you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the
bank account of memories.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Words to live by. Decide to be happy. Choose to focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have, on what is good instead of what is not.
Every relationship blossoms with a positive, abundant attitude, even troubled ones. When things are strained it’s easy to get negative about everything, and make things worse by being judgmental and critical.
Sure, even with a positive approach the issues will still be there, but it's amazing how much easier it is to arrive at a solution when both parties are working together, focusing on the solution instead of the problem.
Circumstances don’t dictate happiness, you do.
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for calls throughout the morning, early afternoon and later this evening. If I am showing as unavailable please feel free to place a callback to ensure we connect.
Let’s face it, most of us enjoy being right. In fact, many times we are elated when we can prove that we are right! Therefore I am not surprised when those who contact me with relationship issues believe themselves to be the in the right.
More often than not, these clients believe if only their partner could view things from their perspective there would no longer be any conflicting issues in the relationship.
While its possible that their partner is behaving badly or has an unhealthy attitude that is sabotaging the relationship. However, the fact is, that it doesn’t matter who is right or who is wrong. The concept of being ‘in the right’ is flawed.
Pointing fingers and making accusations creates a situation where neither party is taking responsibility for the situation. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to facilitate change when a person is in attack mode. When a person is being attacked he/she will either attack back or withdraw. Either method does not resolve issues.
In order to serve themselves and the relationship better, couples need to give up the idea of ‘being right’ and stop trying to convince their partners of their wrongdoings.
It’s more effective to see the issue as something both parties contribute to. Not only are there two sides to every story, every story has a variety of ways it can be viewed. When couples look for alternative ways of seeing those issues together, they begin to develop a different, enlightened, shared perspective.
After all, relationships are about the idea that together we create more than simply our combined effort - we achieve awareness that on our own we would never have developed.
Surly creating more together is better than being right…don’t you think?
Melody “Lil Mel”
Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching
I will be available for calls this weekend off & on throughout the day and evening as my schedule permits. If I am showing as unavailable, please feel free to use the call back feature to ensure we connect.
I really enjoy working with clients on their relationships. People I know find that hard to understand. They think it must be difficult work dealing with people's relationship issues. I don't see it that way at all.
Actually, I find it positive, challenging and rewarding. That's because it isn't actually about me - about what I think, what I believe or even what I suggest. It's always about the client I am working with - what they think, what they want. Often they simply don't know. I help them find out. I help them realize what they want and need from their relationship and from their life. That isn't negative or draining - it's empowering, interesting and fulfilling.
Sometimes people haven't ever thought about their own truth at all. They haven't ever considered what they want out of life or out of a relationship. Sure, they've given loads of thought to whatever issue or situation they may be dealing with. Rarely though have they considered what their ultimate objectives are - what it is they really, deep down want out of life.
It's something worth thinking about. That's because the more you know what it is you want and what your life needs to be about, the more connected you are with what needs to happen in your relationship for you to be happy.
When you focus on your behavior and on freely giving, communicating and connecting, something amazing happens.
The relationship changes - the interaction changes - and your partner responds accordingly.
Relationships are like a dance. People spend so much time trying to change their partner's steps, and blaming them for treading on their toes. When they focus on changing their own steps, the dance changes anyway.
Happy people create happy relationships. Know what makes you happy and align your relationship with that truth. That's all any of us can do. Trying to change someone else or live their idea of happiness means you'll end up unfulfilled and unhappy. No one wants that, do they?
I am available to assist you in finding your own truth and aligning your relationship with that truth...give me a call!
Blessings,
Melody "Lil Mel"